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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Struggle with being out at work

I officially came out to my parents in 2006. It was a mess. lol. Not because of my parents reaction (they already knew) but because of MY actions and the way I handled the whole situation within a different situation. I'm not even gonna go there today, just know that it was a hot funky mess that I am not proud of in the slightest. I dont regret very many of my actions in life but man....

Anywho, so yeah my parents know. I never made a big announcement to the rest of my family because 1)I dont really have any contact with them so I dont care what they do or dont know and 2)Its unecessary to me. I dont have any friends who don't know i'm gay. Most of my friends ARE gay. When i'm out & about, my gf & I don't hide the fact that we're together. I have gay paraphernalia (the cutest I LOVE GIRLS shirt you'll ever see!), rainbow jewelry, and I even have a pride tattoo on my foot (the woman symbol surrounded by six stars in rainbow colors). I would not define myself as being in the closet. Completely. Kinda 90% out, 10% in if thats possible.

The only aspect of my life where absolutely no one knows i'm a lesbian is at work. Im really struggling with this. I would like to be comfortable enough to let them know, but at this point, I dont know how to say it. Do I call a staff meeting? Put it in a memo? Or maybe I should try tossing it into random conversation. "Yeah hey about that school board meeting last night, but wait first u kno im a lesbian right?" Yeah um... no. I dont know how to do it. My gf told me i dont need to make a spectacle of it & i agree. But that doesnt tell me how to do it. I wish I would have came out way back when i was hired (2006) . That would've saved me from all of this worrysome mess. But of course, me being me, I never take the simple road. Maybe i should give it up and wait until i begin my actual career, once i finish school. I will most definitely be 100% out on my next job. No way in hell am i goin thru this again. Anyone else experiencing or have experienced this?

5 comments:

glennishamorgan said...

OMG! You and I are in the same boat. I can sooooo relate to this post. My mom knows and that was the biggest hurdle for me. There are a handful of people that know in my family but, I also did not make a huge announcement. All of my friends now. For the family that doesn't know I'm sure they've gotten hints and ideas via my FB And Myspace page. As far as work I'm not out at all. They assume that I'm straight. I often feel like a fraud and very uncomfortable because there is a girl there who is also gay and she's completely out. I feel like I should come out and say "hey me too". There are convos sometimes where there are talks about gays and I just say nothing because I don't want to out myself but, at the same token i do want to out myself. Whats even worse is they can easily find out via my blog and the net. Google is a MF so. I'd hate for somebody to find out that way before I out myself. *sigh*

Chanel said...

Yeah i feel you, Glennisha. Its funny because I also have a co-worker who is a lesbian and she brings her wife & kids to work all the time, while im sitting at my desk sighing and crying on the inside because I dont feel comfortable being as open. It really sucks. I just feel like it would be one of the most awkward things ever if I were to do it now & i'm just so weary of it...

glennishamorgan said...

Same here. I wish I would have done it when I first started. Definitely the next job will know. And it's not even like its necessarily their business anyway but, I'm just saying. I'm tired of having the feel akward and give dumb looks when everybody talks about their male issues or how fine some guy was. or when everyone tells their stories. I just sit quietly cause I know get that side look if I bring up a she or her all of a sudden

knowledge said...

This is such a tough situation. I think I got lucky because I've been at my job for 10 years now so they pretty much got to see me go through my coming out process over the years, even though I was outed! Despite that, I drop hints every now and then when in conversation with certain co-workers, but some still act like they don't know because they'll ask me questions about guys and I'm like, really? I'll make a joke out of it but for the most part, everyone knows I'm a woman lover and it's not a big deal. But here's the kicker, I bought a nice little gay sticker for my car 2 years ago so if they didn't know then, that was a pretty good indication.

I think you should do it subtly, work it into conversations if its something you can relate to in your life. You don't want it to be a big deal, but you do want that part of your life to be respected if conversations are centered around personal experiences.

Oh oh, I also have a co-worker who is strugglying with coming out as well. She came out to a mutual co-worker/friend and the mutual friend confided in me. So I know. But she doesn't let on at all, her family is not cool with it. I feel for her, but we all go through it at some point. Good luck with your journey, Chanel.

Monie said...

Chanel,

Only a couple of people that I work with know. I didn't make a big production of it though. The people that know found out during the course of conversations, after I felt I could trust them.

I haven't fully come out at work for no reason in particular. I don't think it would have any real negative impact, well except maybe with one person.

Anyway my advice would be to just let it happen naturally.