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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Im gonna make some people mad @ me....

But i've been known to ruffle a few feathers. Why stop now?

Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.

I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:

  • No need to sneak behind someone's back to cheat.
  • Open communication about needs and wants
  • Bypass the whole "feeling trapped" syndrome because u get to have sex with someone else from time to time and not get your ass kicked for it. I don't care what anyone says, everyone has or will feel trapped at one point, even if the relationship is peaches & cream.
  • Variety is the spice of life

So my question is how awful would it be to try this method? If you've reached a point in your relationship where you know you want to be with someone else forever, you know you plan on making a life with someone.... but every now and then you can't help having a strong physical attraction to someone else..... wouldn't it relieve pressure to implement the revolving open door policy? Imean if it's oh so natural for eyes to wander from time to time & if "itches" are inevitable, why not make it easier to deal with?

OR would it just cause that much more drama ? Would this work for you? Anyone ever tried it?


Alix said...

I don't think monogamy works for everyone. I do believe that polyamory is what you're talking about and it really takes 2 people that believes in that type of relationship to make it work. There has to be rules and guidelines to make sure that everyone feels secure in having their needs (be it physical or emotional met).

I know it's not for me. I want all of the attention from one person and I will focus all of mine on them. I'm a bit too jealous for something like that :)

Monie said...


This wouldn't work for me. For one; there are too many STD's out there.

Open relationships to me are for people with no discipline. Yes we all eventually run across someone other than our gf who we feel an attraction for but that's okay. That's normal. When we act on it then all the drama starts.

Think of it like this; if you are on a diet and then you continually cheat and eat stuff (no pun intended, Lol) that you aren't supposed to then what's the point of being on the diet?

So if you are continually finding yourself outside of the relationship then what's the point of the relationship? Why not just be friends.

Chanel said...

@ Alix, yea i feel u. I think im there too. I dont show my jealousy easily at all, but its there waiting to be yanked out against my will. Sharing my gf with another woman sounds like it would be a good reason for jealousy to take over...

A Monie, hmmmm that's a great analogy u gave. I do agree with u. But what if its just a physcial thing? What if u know you love your gf but u just cant see yourself not having sex with someone else for the rest of your life?

Monie said...


Well if a person can't see themselves having sex with just one person for the rest of their life maybe they just aren't ready yet or haven't found THE person for them.

Basically I think we have to make a decision as to whether or not we want to be faithful. From there it's all about choice. Choosing to be faithful or choosing not to be.

Chanel said...

Ahhh there's that word i've been waiting on. "Choice" I knew someone would throw it out there. You're right. It is a choice whether or not you act on any inappropriate thoughts or desires.

knowledge said...

It works for some people and is disastrous for others. I know that there was a time in my life where this alternative would have been better than the sneaking around I was doing, so i would have welcomed a relationship such as this if I found someone to share it and me with, but that's the difficult part. You really have to be on the same page with an committed open relationship because the trust issues and possible jealousy could really destroy what you've built, but if that strong foundation is firmly in place it can definitely be beneficial for two people. I've even heard of instances where an open relationship has made a couple's relationship stronger... don't ask me how, but that's just what I heard. Good topic.

Chanel said...

@ knowledge. I can relate. I think at one point in my life this could have better suited me. Problem is i was too immature to be honest with myself and my partner...

whatilike said...

I think it depends on the level of maturity in the relationship and how much trust you have. Some people can pull it off I would imagine. For some reason I doubt that most ppl could though.

Toni said...


1st off, every responsible and sensible nutritionist would tell someone on a diet, that it's not about the diet, it's about the regimine. If you're constantly on diets, and always cheating, it's because u haven't changed your lifestyle and mindset. Diet are not meant to last. So, in reference to this analogy, if you're lookin at a relationship as bein on a diet, get ready 2 fail anyway. However, if u're lookin at a longterm relationship as a new way of thinkin and livin, then your chances are better.

In regards to who this could work for, I don't think it can work 4 anyone forever. I think that everybody wants to try the "revolving open relationship" at one point or another, problem is, the 2 people in the relationship hardly ever want to try it at the same time. Lol