The saddest breakup

I cant watch this without crying...yeah yeah i know im a big baby. What can I say?

What's yours is mine and what's mine is...well, mine.

I haven't blogged since Tragic Tuesday cuz I haven't been feelin it at all. But, since I will be M.I.A for the next 3 days, I decided to post a lil sumthin. Let's talk about selfishness. After the prop 8 fiasco, and my post on monogamy, I think selfishness is a fitting topic. Y'all know I love starting with definitions.

Selfishness- To be devoted to or care only for oneself, concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits and and well-being.

We were all taught that being selfish is not a good look. You don't make or keep friends by solely looking out for yourself. It's better to put others first and to take joy in giving rather than receiving. And I agree with all of the above. But what some aren't taught is that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to get you through. Being completely selflLESS (opposite of selfish in case u didnt know, lol) can get you in a lot of trouble depending on the company you keep. You will be taken advantage of, mistaken as a push over, milked and drained dry. So there does come a time where you need to say back the fuck up and let me do me for a minute. You don't necessarily have to be so rude, that's just me ;-)

Now I have a question: Under what circumstance is being selfish an okay thing to do when you're in a relationship?

When you're wifed up (even if it's not legal grrr), its common thought to share and share alike under all circumstances. Money, food, belongings, time, etc. It's all thrown into one big free for all pool where both of u can excessively have at it. Is this the best way to do things? Or is it best to ration certain things out to your own discretion? Those of you in relationships, how do you and your partner handle things? Is it to each her own or do you share across the board?

Taking bets on prop 8! [updated]

So i'm sitting here at work on this bright California Tuesday morning. Had quite an um...interesting weekend to put it mildly. Week actually. No, make that an interesting month. But I think this weekend kinda capped it all off. I hope. Maybe I can move along and be done with the drama. Spring semester is DONE woooo hoo! So I dont have school to stress over, at least for the next 3 weeks. Life can only get better from here.

Oh but there is that little Prop 8 thing. Most of u should know that the CA court will be giving its decision today around 10am regarding the ban- does it stay or does it go? Im hoping for an American Idolesque upset. Like I want the judges to come trotting out waving rainbow flags while telling the prop 8 supporters to shove their ban up their ignorant asses.

A gay girl can dream BUT I know I can't have it all so i'll just settle for a vote to overturn the ban and let us marry!
My fingers are crossed. Im trying not to get my hopes too high up there because...well just because i know how this shit goes. But im a tad bit hopeful. I mean it really is ridiculous to think that California even has to go through all this. For a state that supposedly leads the country towards all things progressive, we sure as hell are slacking on this one. I mean Vermont and Iowa beat us to it!? Come on now.

So here's to hoping that my Tuesday will be an amazing one and that California will finally take a step away from the darkside cuz if not, i'm seriously considering moving to Canada.

Stay tuned as i update....

10:12 am as reported on CNN, CA courts rule to keep ban in place but the couples who have already married prior to the ban will remain legally bound.
In other words, congrats to those who rushed to city hall before Nov. 4 2008 and a big giant FUCK YOU YOU DONT MATTER EVEN THO YOU PAY TAXES LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE to the rest of us gay people who didnt get married then but would most definitely like to one day before I'm dead and gone. I cant do this today. They just pissed me off. Any hope that I did have has been dashed and buried now...

Friday blues

The song asks should I just keep chasing pavements
If I only had the option
its like pavements are chasing me
crushing my leverage
stifling my air
brick walls and falling bridges at every turn
I'm desperately seeking help
not a hand, but a heart
something to let me know that its okay to get comfortable with the fact that it may never be okay....


Such a tragic inevitability
karma
is a bitch and so was I
Nice to meet you
I extend my hand, not to greet you but to snatch my soul back from your lethal grasp
Stop time and rewind it back to the day before mistakes were made
Made like the bed i'm now forced to lie in
because i failed to rise above the bullshit and drama

But its a new day! I sang
I smiled and promised to never turn back towards the past
Let it simmer behind me, a constant heat
Serving as a reminder that when you play with fire....

Hurt me

Hurt me

because u want to
because it feels good...even though the truth behind it all hurts even worse
Hurt me

for your sanity
for your bruises
for your boulevard of broken dreams
Hurt me

how u know you need to
how u feel u should have long before it became the only thing you remember how to do
Hurt me

for some get back
for some attention
for a release
for a purpose that will escape you years from now
when all that will be left is a shield of infected scars
and remnants of a battle that produced two casualties of an ill-fought war
Hurt me

to numb your own pain
to boost your own ego
to strengthen your own bond with this new side of yourself that smells blood
throws salt
claws the ground
and suffers silently

Hurt me

because it will never be enough
Not peace
solidarity
unity
forgiveness
redemption
honesty
not even love

all pales in comparison to the potency of pain

hurt me so the story can come to an end

That's what im use to you know
Whichever form it comes in
i hurt you u hurt me
u hurt me first i hurt u last u hurt me again...
i hurt myself best

so hurt me

at least i'll be among familiar company
i'll cry familiar tears
feel familiar guilt
pity
shame
loss
anger
resentment stopping short of hate...or maybe not

doesnt matter as long as you reach your goal
so hurt me
and make it count
make it sting
burn
fester
boil over
and spill in abundance
seep into the purest of my spiritual soil
reaping more of what drove you to hurt me in the first place...

-Chanel

Im gonna make some people mad @ me....

But i've been known to ruffle a few feathers. Why stop now?

Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.

I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:

• No need to sneak behind someone's back to cheat.
• Open communication about needs and wants
• Bypass the whole "feeling trapped" syndrome because u get to have sex with someone else from time to time and not get your ass kicked for it. I don't care what anyone says, everyone has or will feel trapped at one point, even if the relationship is peaches & cream.
• Variety is the spice of life

So my question is how awful would it be to try this method? If you've reached a point in your relationship where you know you want to be with someone else forever, you know you plan on making a life with someone.... but every now and then you can't help having a strong physical attraction to someone else..... wouldn't it relieve pressure to implement the revolving open door policy? Imean if it's oh so natural for eyes to wander from time to time & if "itches" are inevitable, why not make it easier to deal with?

OR would it just cause that much more drama ? Would this work for you? Anyone ever tried it?

Monday's quick question

If you could live in an exclusive LGBT community, would you? And I mean a real community, gay schools/universities, grocery stores, libraries, malls, churches, clubs, restaurants. Everything gay owned and catering to US.

Smile Love Laugh & Live

Pictures are worth a thousand words.....

Love is never wrong, and if it is, i'll never be right

***Update** Remember how I was struggling with how to come out at work? Well I just came out to my first person in my office! Wonder how much of a domino effect this is gonna be....It felt really really good :-)

When the need for validation becomes dangerous...

Validate: To authenticate, verify, prove and or give a sense of worth to something or someone

I like to think that I'm a very confident, reassured woman who feels secure in the many things that I have to offer to friends, family and society as a whole. Most people looking at me from the outside would probably guess that I have never had much of a low self-esteem problem, and if anything I have a little too much. lol. I agree that I was raised by parents who made sure that I was told i'm beautiful, i'm smart and i'm worth it [sounds like a L'oreal ad], and I have bypassed many of the hangups that women fall prey to especially in younger years when feelings of inadequacy are hard to fight. But as an adult I think I may have dropped the ball.

Lately i've been talking with a couple of friends who are stuggling with validation. One friend has ended a long term relationship and is now wondering if she's even deserving of anything better because she can't seem to find it anywhere, therefore she's now searching everywhere. [Never a good thing.] Another friend is in a very very long term relationship that has been unstable for the past 4 yrs or so, mainly because her partner is a psycho. [sorry but she is] Over the past yr, her partner has attempted to turn a new leaf and start acting like she has some sense. But for my friend it's a tad bit too late because now her eyes are starting to wander and she's finding herself in situations where she's craving something more...from someone else.

I have a problem with needing attention and I tend to get it by interacting with people whom I know I shouldn't interact with because either 1) they're obviously attracted to me, or 2)i'm attracted to them. If I was single, it would be all good. But i'm not so it's most definitely all BAD. I haven't physically crossed any boundaries but u know that whole flirt thing that precariously tiptoes the line of emotional cheating and so forth... [sigh]

All of the above situations scream out a need to be validated. I know it's natural for people to want attention and to feel as if we're doing something right, or to feel attractive and wanted. But when does it cross the line into dangerous territory? When should validation from within be enough? Or is it ever truly enough? Should your significant other ever be your only source of outside validation?

Happy Friday! Lez youtube trickery of the week

@3:15 "Make that booty talk heyyyyy" lmfao! Wow. Bored as f*ck. Get a job :-)


I hate cooking. But i'll do it for my GF cuz i love her & cuz she loves my food. But i'll be damned if i turn into Betty Crocker every damn nite. Its not happenin. Answer that tho. Good question. Do you think femmes should do all the cooking?

Struggle with being out at work

I officially came out to my parents in 2006. It was a mess. lol. Not because of my parents reaction (they already knew) but because of MY actions and the way I handled the whole situation within a different situation. I'm not even gonna go there today, just know that it was a hot funky mess that I am not proud of in the slightest. I dont regret very many of my actions in life but man....

Anywho, so yeah my parents know. I never made a big announcement to the rest of my family because 1)I dont really have any contact with them so I dont care what they do or dont know and 2)Its unecessary to me. I dont have any friends who don't know i'm gay. Most of my friends ARE gay. When i'm out & about, my gf & I don't hide the fact that we're together. I have gay paraphernalia (the cutest I LOVE GIRLS shirt you'll ever see!), rainbow jewelry, and I even have a pride tattoo on my foot (the woman symbol surrounded by six stars in rainbow colors). I would not define myself as being in the closet. Completely. Kinda 90% out, 10% in if thats possible.

The only aspect of my life where absolutely no one knows i'm a lesbian is at work. Im really struggling with this. I would like to be comfortable enough to let them know, but at this point, I dont know how to say it. Do I call a staff meeting? Put it in a memo? Or maybe I should try tossing it into random conversation. "Yeah hey about that school board meeting last night, but wait first u kno im a lesbian right?" Yeah um... no. I dont know how to do it. My gf told me i dont need to make a spectacle of it & i agree. But that doesnt tell me how to do it. I wish I would have came out way back when i was hired (2006) . That would've saved me from all of this worrysome mess. But of course, me being me, I never take the simple road. Maybe i should give it up and wait until i begin my actual career, once i finish school. I will most definitely be 100% out on my next job. No way in hell am i goin thru this again. Anyone else experiencing or have experienced this?

Do sex + lesbians = stalker?

Casual sex= Sexual acts between 2 (or more:-) adults with no strings attached. Void of all committments and emotions.

We've all heard the following:
Women are emotional creatures by nature. (Depends)
When women have sex with someone its more of a mental thing than physical. (debatable)
Women get attached to their partners after having sex with them & there's damn near nothing u can do to stop it. (lol)

Okay, if all of the above are perceived to be true, how on earth do lesbians have one night stands? Many many one night stands at that. [sidebar, I myself have actually never had a one nite stand so i've missed out on all the fun. But ALL of my friends are a bunch of skanks sexually expressive women who like to hit it & quit it frequently ]

I do think that overall, women relate to sex differently than men do. Most men have magnets at the tip of their penises and anything with half a vagina attracts them from a mile away & they go for it, no hesitancy. In my experiences, women tend to be a tad more analytical

well if i do this, how will she think of me? Is she gonna call me? Maybe I should wait it out. I wonder if she even really likes me. Blah blah blah.

So can we have casual sex and keep it movin? And I mean REAL casual. Not the kind where you claim you arent feelin someone but the second she starts showin New Girl extra attention u start goin on mental trips, that eventually turn into obsessed stalker behavior (large amounts of unnecessary texts & phone calls, whining & complaining, randomly poppin up at work/home/club/gym) I mean the kind of sex where you get yours, she gets hers and y'all part ways only to hook back up the next time your body is callin for it (only if it was good of course).

New blog name- Who told u I had to give a f*ck?

[please be prepared for a brief yet blunt fuck u to the people who have taken it upon themselves to piss me off. If this is not you, u dont necessarily need to read any further]
As I was saying- Who told u I had to give a fuck?
That's precisely what I should change my blog name to cuz it's the level i'm on right now. People these days feel as if they can say and do some old crazy off the wall type shit solely because what, you were born? I think not. I dont give a good two hells about blog etiquette when i'm writing for myself! What sense does that make? Im gonna censor myself on my own blog because my opinions rub u the wrong way. Get the hell on somewhere. Not in this lifetime spanning from 1983 until ...

I already have one disclaimer at the top of my page, allow me to make another clear:

My opinions belong to me. They arent contagious. Just because i say it doesnt make it gospel. Just because I condone it doesnt mean everyone else should or will. If I say I dont like something and YOU choose to take it personally, i advise you to work it on out and move right along cuz myself and the drama mix like oil and water=we dont. Follow me if u like. Ignore if you'd rather. I'll continue to do one simple thing and that's talk my shit.

Thank you and have a beautiful day. Back to my normal smiles and sunshiney self :-)

Impress me

I was skimming an article about all the many ways men and women go about trying to impress each other. Some people lie, others are brutally honest. Some maintain strict work-out regimens to use their bodies as ways to impress. Others may not work out much but their mental abilities leave people hooked.

I'll admit to not being an easy person to impress. I expect a lot from people in general, so my mouth rarely drops in awe. If you tell me your goal is to graduate from college with an A average, i'm not gonna do cartwheels for you. I'll smile and say good, that should be your goal since you're paying for it and busting your ass to take the classes. Might as well get an A. I feel like this, don't try to impress me with stuff you should be doing for yourself anyway. It wont get you far.

A few things that do impress me though are:
*Being a good writer. Everyone claims to be a writer. Not everyone who claims to be one, is a good one. And it's not as easy as many would like to think. It takes a pen and a sheet of paper to write a poem, it takes an artist to create a piece that captivates and leaves a reader wanting more.
*Having strong vocal ability. I've been singing my entire life. I know the difference between natural talent and studio enhanced nonsense. If u can sing & produce a quality sound without the aid of any equipment, including a mic, i'm impressed. If you can sing AND you write your own stuff...i'm double impressed.
*Being able to hold an intellectual and witty conversation. This shouldn't be hard to come by, oh but sadly it is.
*Being a good arguer. Im a great arguer. Not too many people like to argue with me cuz i tend to shut it down. If u can strongly argue your point and it makes sense, kudos.
*I'm impressed by someone who not only believes that reading is fundamental but its ESSENTIAL to their soul. A well read woman is one of the most impressive (sexiest) things ever.

That's about it.

So what impresses you?

How & when to let go

I've been fairly addicted to my Ipod over the past few weeks. Not too shocking seeing as how much I love music. So I've been rediscovering Chrisette Michele, Goapele, Corinne Bailey Rae & Adele lately and they're really taking me there. My girlfriend is also into Chrisette and she fell in love with her song Blame It On Me. The premise of the song is basically she's beyond done with her relationship & she's telling her significant other that it doesnt matter what he thinks of her, he can blame the entire fucked up situation on her, put all the weight on her shoulders, call her every name in the book...as long as the last thing he says to her is GOOD BYE. Cuz he gots ta go.

So it got me wondering about how long it takes and how hard it is to get to that point for many of us. It's like we have to go through the pits of hell, the eye of every storm, through the lions den and across the Sahara Dessert before we throw in the towel. My question is, is it suppose to be like that?

My train of thought is that the more serious a relationship, the stronger the commitment. The more you're committed to a person, the more you're willing to work through hard times instead of bailing out at first signs of trouble. And this is a good thing. Marriages such as my parents who have been together for 43 yrs (yes I said 43) would never happen if every time someone fucks up, you end the relationship. But the key to a lasting relationship has to go beyond being willing to put up with all the drama. Not everyone's bullshit is worth the blood sweat and tears it takes to push past it. I guess it takes large doses of common sense, a clear & open mind and sound advice to figure out who is worth fighting for and who we should let go....

I've learned through lots of trials and even more errors that if the foundation of something isn't sturdy, whatever you try to build on top of it will eventually crumble. It may not happen tomorrow, or next month, but time will chip away at the weak ground beneath it and the structure will fall. So one important key to a strong relationship is making sure you start out on the right foot. Begin with honesty, straightforwardness, and respect and the road ahead will most definitely be a lil smoother. Now for those of US who learned this lesson late [raising my own hand] what do we do if we started on shaky ground and are already well past the first few building stages?

Demolish that shit and start over.

Real talk. I have someone now that I know in my mind, body and soul is beyond worth everything we've ever gone through. Especially seeing as how it was ME who brought alot of the crap to the table. And now im making up for lost time and stupid mistakes by starting over piece by piece. Once things are in order and how they should have been in the beginning, I can only imagine the powerful & beautiful nature of our relatonship. I still have to learn how to LET GO. But in this case, i'm letting go of certain negative aspects of myself that is hindering our growth. It's a very necessary process. It's also scary as all hell. But hey, like I said, when you find someone worth it, you gotta do what u gotta do.

I found this new blog and umm...

Its quite interesting. She has a lot going on, and I do mean alot. I havent posted any responses yet because I really dont know what to say! Its deep. Check it out here

Thou shall not judge...but damn if its not hard

Okay so let me start by saying Happy Monday and all that jazz even though I hate mondays with a passion and would much rather be in my bed next to this person right here.

Anywho back to the topic at hand, I'd like to think that i'm an open-minded person. I'm far from being a prude, don't too much care what other people have goin on or what they do in the privacy of their own homes because I can't stand someone nosing around all up in mine. But this weekend while bussin it on the sucky public transportation system out here in the boonies, I saw something that I turned my nose up at on sight. A stud got on the bus, lookin like she jus finished smokin & drinkin on god knows what type of below bottom shelf liquor (basement floor?), and that was ok cuz most of the people out here look like dammit all to hell anyway. So im use to it. But then her girlfriend (i guess) got on and it all went down hill from there. The girlfriend was just as high as the stud & had on about two inches of clothes (mind u it rained all wkend so her uncovered parts were unattractively ashy) and a pair of too small breakyoneck stilettos that no one really wears in real life unless you plan on swingin around a pole. (Not knockin the stripper community, im jus sayin) They got on, talkin all loud, gigglin and tee hee heein for no apparent reason, yellin across the bus at some boy who tagged along with them & slobbering all over each other as if they had no kinda home training. At this point im like Oh lawd, why do they have to represent US like that? Us being the black lesbian community. So my girl was in full agreeance & we exchanged more than a few looks about the trickery unraveling before us.

Later on that evening, I brought them up for some random reason, referring to them as "those two chicks on the bus" and my girl looked at me like I was talking outta my ass. Then she told me what i shoulda known in the 1st place i guess, the "fem" was a man. I pressed rewind on my mentals and took a closer look and I had to agree. Dont kno how it slipped past me, but it did. My nose turned up even more after that, and i got that "somebody farted" look on my face, u know what im talkin about. The boo boo face. Something just doesnt sit well with me about that. Now i dont know these people from a can of paint, but im willing to bet the stud identifies as a lesbian. And to that i'm a bit befuddled. If you're a female, dating a man who dresses like a female, does this make you a lesbian? And now, Glennisha's post over on Tami's blog has me thinkin that maybe i'm in the wrong for questioning whether or not someone is really a lesbian? But come on now. Im sorry, when 2 +2 doesn't equal 4....

What do y'all think?

For my readers

I don't really take the time to go on and on about how much I love Fridays here at this blog, but I do it all the time over at my other spot. Friday truly is the best day of the week. And if it weren't for blogging and for those of you who read & give the best comments ever, my work week would feel like death. I'm SO over working a 9 to 5 its not funny. (praying for that book deal so I can giddily quit)


Anywho, I just wanted to thank all of you for joining me here at the Rainbow Room. I learn something new with every post because of your feedback. I love the dialogue and I'm elated to be able to get so many different perspectives on various topics. Shout out & link ups to my most frequent visitors whose amazing blogs I take up limitless amounts of space & opportunity on :-) - Monie, Alix, Curiouslovechild, Whatilike, Breastswildasblkwaves, Glennishamorgan, Pinkchocolatesunshine & Studwithswag. Check em all out. Definitely worth the read.

To everyone THANK YOU for reading!

Have a great weekend!