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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

When the need for validation becomes dangerous...

Validate: To authenticate, verify, prove and or give a sense of worth to something or someone

I like to think that I'm a very confident, reassured woman who feels secure in the many things that I have to offer to friends, family and society as a whole. Most people looking at me from the outside would probably guess that I have never had much of a low self-esteem problem, and if anything I have a little too much. lol. I agree that I was raised by parents who made sure that I was told i'm beautiful, i'm smart and i'm worth it [sounds like a L'oreal ad], and I have bypassed many of the hangups that women fall prey to especially in younger years when feelings of inadequacy are hard to fight. But as an adult I think I may have dropped the ball.

Lately i've been talking with a couple of friends who are stuggling with validation. One friend has ended a long term relationship and is now wondering if she's even deserving of anything better because she can't seem to find it anywhere, therefore she's now searching everywhere. [Never a good thing.] Another friend is in a very very long term relationship that has been unstable for the past 4 yrs or so, mainly because her partner is a psycho. [sorry but she is] Over the past yr, her partner has attempted to turn a new leaf and start acting like she has some sense. But for my friend it's a tad bit too late because now her eyes are starting to wander and she's finding herself in situations where she's craving something more...from someone else.

I have a problem with needing attention and I tend to get it by interacting with people whom I know I shouldn't interact with because either 1) they're obviously attracted to me, or 2)i'm attracted to them. If I was single, it would be all good. But i'm not so it's most definitely all BAD. I haven't physically crossed any boundaries but u know that whole flirt thing that precariously tiptoes the line of emotional cheating and so forth... [sigh]

All of the above situations scream out a need to be validated. I know it's natural for people to want attention and to feel as if we're doing something right, or to feel attractive and wanted. But when does it cross the line into dangerous territory? When should validation from within be enough? Or is it ever truly enough? Should your significant other ever be your only source of outside validation?


Toni said...

I don't necessarily think your partner should be your only sense of validation. But I must say, in a nut shell, that most, if not all, people just simply have a problem with validation. The reality is, a person shouldn't NEED validation from anyone on this Earth. Not even your parents, oooo, I'm gonna step on some toes here. But it's the truth. The reality of the situation is that if you feel good about yourself, and you are spiritually validated, then no man(or woman) should have any influence on how you feel about yourself, in any way. People spend their whole lives seeking approval from even the likes of their mothers and fathers when the truth is, you'll still never completely have it. When you begin to live life for yourself, and I'm not talking living a selfish life, but begin to know WHO you are before you start lookin for people to TELL you WHO you are...it'll be all good:)

knowledge said...

Oh boy... I had quite a bit of experience in this department and not really even out of a need for validation, but I know deep down that it had something to do with it. The dangerous territory comes into play when we know good and darn well that we are doing something we shouldn't, YET we do it anyway. That's all it really takes. One attempt to brush off the fact that we're engaging in behavior that's BAD wil make that next time easier to deflect. So... I guess to answer your main question, our validation should never need to come from someone else. It should come from within, first and foremost.

Chanel said...

@ Toni- I pretty much agree with you. Except I think parents should definitely play a huge role on molding a childs self-esteem. Thats the problem with so many young girls who dont get validated by their parents at home. They go outside the house and search for it in all the wrong ways & end up hating themselves in the process.

@knowledge..."One attempt to brush off the fact that we're engaging in behavior that's BAD will make that next time easier to deflect." TRUTH!

Monie said...


I think the foundation for our self-esteem begins being built in childhood. If our families and teachers do a good job of showing us the good in who we are then there is less of a need for others to build our self-esteem for us in adulthood.

Anonymous said...

I have been writing about this for the past few days. Im at a point in my life where im secure with myself...and what im doing...where im going. Though it may not look like it...or those people may not realize it...I do seek their approval and i know this i think thats the only reason they're still apart of my life. Im talking about parents and immediate family.

That comment by Toni really helped me. I have to do something about it...now. Because im not free.

Alix said...


Our source of validation should come from the inside. It's hard to get to a point where you can validate yourself, so sometimes we need help along the way.

The help is that smile that comes across someone's face when they see you walk into a room, that double take that's done when you walk by...It's great to get validation from your partner, but when you don't...Take the compliment and keep it moving! You have to keep yourself away from temptation, away from anyone that can mess up your relationship.