Dear 2011:

I always post my Year in Reflection letter over at my other spot, but I decided to cross-post it here also this year just because I can. Without further wait....

Dear 2011: Let me start by saying that you are sneaky, slick, fast, and conniving as hell . I swear, you just got here!!! It was just January three weeks ago. smh. It's like I blinked, and it was Thanksgiving. This has been one of the fastest years of my life in a long time and i'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It's like i've been in a coma for twelve months and somehow I slept through an entire year! Only...i didnt sleep much this yr at all. lol. Seriously though...I feel like I can joke and play with you, 2011, because you were so much more kinder and gentler to me than your evil ass sister, 2010. That bitch...

So how do I run this year down? Just because I like to do things like this, I'll come up with 3 words to describe 2011:

Tangible
Scary
Transformational

Yeah. Those are three good ones. 2011 brought more clarity to me than i've felt in a long time and that automatically made it better than the couple of years before it. Of course, along with seeing things more clearly, comes fear. It's hard to be afraid of that which you can't see or feel. But once you see things clearly for what they truly are...fear can settle in because then you have certain responsibilities on your shoulders: decision-making, self-accountability, damage control, etc. Shit is scary. But it's real. And it's necessary. Without blunt, raw, genuine honesty and the ability to SEE clearly...there's no room for change and growth. Without change and growth, you remain stuck in whatever has enough power to hold you back. 2011 taught me well. This year I have opened to the necessity of change in ways I can't and wont explain here, but i feel in my heart and soul will lead to further transformation in one form or another. And for that, I am thankful. I cried a lot over these 12 months. A LOT. The difference between the bulk of my tears this year, and ALL of them last year is that most of the tears that fell in 2011 were cleansing, therapeutic and a way for my soul to express that I was "getting what needed to be got". My heart is in a slightly better place because this year has shown ME how to be a little bit better to it. *smile*...thank you.

Oh and I also kinda sorta finally GRADUATED from undergrad this year!!!!!!!!!! :) Automatically makes 2011 go hard.

2012, I have high hopes for you and you have large shoes to fill. I'm not worried though because there's so much more work to be done and so many ways for you to show up and gift me with something beautiful. I'm so ready.

Physical versus Emotional: A game of monogamy

I was minding my business on Facebook when I came across this comment:

There is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having feelings for them. Me and my girl both find people attractive, but having specific feelings for another person is not okay. The day she develops feelings with someone else is the day we have to end it. I don't share. If she loved me or was "in love" with me she wouldn't have feelings for anyone else.

Of course, this got me thinking about relationships and monogamy. Most of us seem to be striving for that certain type of love. I hesitate to say a "fairytale romance" because I don't know what that means. But y'all get what I'm saying. The kind of romance that makes you wanna speed 85mph, rushing home to milk every golden second that you possibly can with your love. The relationship that makes you say yes way more often than no. Kisses that tease smiles from the corners of your lips and quiet moments of intimacy that seem to go on and on...and on. Most of us want that. But when we find it, how long can we really keep it?

Forever is a long time. I've heard that nothing lasts forever and the only thing that goes on and on for eternity is death. [cue morbid music] So what does that mean for the state of amazing relationships? If the relationship is that amazing, one would want to hold on to that person, and only that person, for dear life....right? I would think so. But then I blink and reality seeps back in. Even amazing, love-song inspired, gone with wind-esque meets Romeo and Juliet [without the suicide] romances are susceptible to human error, lust, need, and greed. As expressed in the comment above, most of us have eyes that work, and we are bound to find people attractive outside of our nucleus relationships. I don't find anything particularly wrong with that. I'm reasonable enough to know that my ass, hips, lips, thighs and other delicious parts aren't the only delicacies in the world. So look and look some more, as long as you don't touch.

But how realistic is it to set those parameters on a relationship that two ppl intend to stay in forever? "Baby, I wanna be with you until you die. Which hopefully wont be for a good 60 yrs. And in those 60 years, i expect you to ONLY have sex with me, myself, and I. Not including masturbation. Carry on." O_o

It's a great thought. Having the kind of love that sustains any and all temptation. But is it a better thought than being in a relationship where either person can choose to pursue a physical connection with someone else every now and then as long as the act is fully disclosed?? And if you do have some type of physical arrangement that works for you, what do you do when emotions come to play? Some people say physical indiscretions are way easier to forgive and brush off than emotional. So if your life partner emotionally cheats...do you walk away? Even if you want that person with everything in you...

Is it possible to be in love with someone even if you are not emotionally committed to them?

I could go on and on with the questions so i'll stop there and give up the floor.

I'm gay so i have to settle.

I was on the train the other day and I overheard [basically I was earhustling on] a woman and her 2 male friends having a coversation about the current dating scene. Typically, these types of convos are great for entertainment because everyone thinks they're Dr. Phil when everyone is seriously just as confused as the next person. So yeah, comedy. But I didn't do much laughing at this conversation once the woman made this comment:

"Well i kinda gave up on finding the woman of my dreams years ago
once i realized that my standards had to drop below subpar when i started dating women."

O_o

Really? And she said it with a dead straight face and a somber tone. Like that shit made her instantly depressed deep down in her bones. But for why? I dont understand. Someone explain to me why random woman would feel like this??

I'm about as lesbian as one can get. You might not be able to tell it by looking at me [you know ppl swear up and down that all lesbians must be masculine identified in order to be REAL lesbians *sigh*]
But yeah. I'm hella gay. And i',m also probably the pickiest chick you will ever virtually meet. There are certain things you need to have going for you for me to even begin to be interested. No, "picky" does not = shallow. You dont NEED to be ballin out of control, or the prettiest thing in a fitted hat and timbs [altho that is a vice of mine. #confessions Dont judge me] But you do need to have some intellect goin on upstairs. I need to be able to speak candidly with you about things goin on in other countries. I need you to know what's going on when I turn to CNN and not just stare at the screen with a blank stare impatiently waiting for me to turn back to the Kardashians . I need you to do things like...read. Partake in the arts. I am an artist. I need you to be interested in culture, and not necessarily just the one you belong to. And no, you don't need to be a college student just because I am one. But you do need to have goals that will better your life and the life of a potential family. If ANY of this is too much...then you automatically know that you + I aint gonna quite work.

I had these same expectations before I realized I was gay. When did being same-sex loving equate to settling on any and everything? No ma'am. I dont have that kind of time to waste on someone i know wont be able to hold my attention [or my respect if you really wanna keep it real]

So yeah. What's up with the "I'm gay so i gotta settle" argument? Help me out....