~Lovely lil Disclaimer~

Keep in mind that this blog is devoted to all things GAY. That means any news, advice, entertainment, literature, reviews, jokes,polls, etc will be completely curved. I might give it to you with no chaser but it definitely wont be STRAIGHT!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Happiness = Fiction ?

I've recently become aware that I have spent the majority of my life buying into false pretenses of happiness. Well, some of them have just been shallow pretenses, others completely false. Examples of shallow happiness are: being happy because someone tells me i'm cute, being happy when someone buys me something, etc. Shallow pretenses of happiness are common and fairly harmless, I guess. It's not necessarily a bad thing to feel some sort of elation when you get a compliment or when you are surprised with a gift. Those things kinda make life a little more sparkly, you know? As long as you don't get entirely wrapped up in seeking those shallow moments out and making them the most important things in the world.... it's okay.

False pretenses, on the other hand, are all bad. They're also the hardest to let go of. An example of a false pretense of happiness is a bit more complex to describe. Think about a relationship that may appear to be healthy and happy from an outsiders perspective. But within the privacy of four walls, the relationship is on the brink of misery but the two ppl involved just dont know how to let go because they are all each other knows and without one another they swear they'll be unhappy. This is such a common false pretense of happiness. Happiness that is dependent on another person. On a lofty desire for a perfect relationship.

For myself, I have been caught up in selfish false happiness. I am the baby in my family. My siblings are 13 and 15 yrs older than me. I was spoiled. I was used to being the center of attention. And I was used to getting my way. This turned into me being a somewhat entitled adult. I thought I should get whatever I wanted, everyone should listen to me, things should go MY way and I should be able to do whatever I wanted to do and not be questioned about shit. My self-centered double-standard perception = happiness to me for the longest of time. You know, the whole ignorance is bliss mindset. Then I reached my early 20's and slowly but surely I was introduced to reality. God only knows how long I would've stayed in that fog of blind selfishness mistaking my vanity, conceit and rudeness as happiness. smh.

So now i've grown past that phase. But that leaves me wondering...what is happiness? How is it achieved? How do we know if its the real thing? Im left wondering if I have ever truly experienced being happy in my own skin. Happy with myself first and foremost. Then happy with my relationship, friendships, professional life, etc. What does it feel like? Is it something that lasts forever once you find it or does it ebb and flow depending on life and circumstance?

I'm a little bit overwhelmed with feeling as if I may never know the extent of my own happiness because I dont even know what i'm looking for....

Friday, November 25, 2011

And that's how you queer Thanksgiving

Holidays just haven't been IT for awhile now. Like...I remember being young and absoultely adoring Thanksgiving and Christmas. Something in the weather and the lights/smells of the season excited the hell outta me. Now i'm grown...and it's just not the same. I cant blame it fully on my age though because I know many adults who go hard for the holidays. But for the last few years (more like the last ten) i havent been too excited. I mean, the food is always somethin to look forward to but its supposed to be about way more than that right?

What about the festivities? Family, friends, being thankful, laughter, jokes, bright lights, singing, cooking, sleeping in or not sleeping at all. What about all of that? I just feel so OUT of it. As if it's all become so routine and blah...sigh

And then last night happened. So my gf and I went to my Uncle's house and it was great seeing everyone. The food was on point of course. [including my bomb ass garlic potatoes] Then we went to a friends house who happens to be one of those adults who live and die for Christmas. Good times. After that I was tired and basically ready to go home and pass out in my typical turkey/mac & cheese food coma. But i still had my own house to make an appearance at. I live in a huge house with 8 other artists/community activists. A few of them got together and cooked a feast and invited a bunch of ppl over and I wouldnt have felt good about myself if I didn't spend some time with them. So I did. And what was gonna be a typical Thanksgiving night turned into a night of imprmptu photo shoots with props, wine, interpretive dancing, AND (the best part) slow dancing/singing to old school 90's slow jams. Nothing but a bunch of lesbians/bisexuals/trans family enjoying one another and being IN the moment. I really enjoyed and needed it.

Let's see how I can slant Christmas and New Years!!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A night of Poetry and Healing...

This past Friday, I and JDX (Jezebel Delilah X), peformed together at this amazing event shown above. If you didn't know, I am in a performance poetry group called Griot Noir. We are three young lesbian women of color who came together in friendship and felt an instant creative connection so we began to make art together in the form of spoken word/story-telling/monologue/song. One of the members of our group was out of town and she was greatly missed but JDX and I really enjoyed doing this event. It was a benefit for The Living Room Project and Our Space. The Living Room project provides accessible and affordable health services, various healing workshops and event space for the LGBT community in the San Francisco bay area. Our Space provides a safespace for LGBT youth up to the age of 24, including counseling, trauma-healing workshops and other mental health services.

I was so honored to be asked to perform at this event, obviously because it's for a phenomenal cause. But also, I really enjoy creating art for and with my LGBT community. I felt so connected to the audience and I feel as if it was a reciprocal experience. I performed a spoken word piece investigating self-love, and the struggle of healing/moving on to a new lover after you have experienced an act of sexual violence. <----wasn't easy to write. But I needed to. It was cathartic for me in a way that only writing and performing can do. I really do love the LGBT community in the bay area. Nothing quite like it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

When the IN fades...

"I am now able to look back on and analyze our relationship from an outside, mental point of view because my heart has no remnants of the IN."

I follow a lot of great LGBT blogs and it never fails that I'm creatively motivated by one thing or another from other bloggers posts. Tonight I came across a post from one of my favorites, My Affinity, which is where I got the above quote. Read it again...and think about that moment in time...that person who you never thought you would ever fall out of that emotionally charged hyper-sensitive chaotic life changing love. Do you remember that? When you were caught up dead in the center of the knot...tangled...turned every which way and didn't know whether you were comin or going. Remember staying up well past midnight losing sleep and mental energy by way of tears and poetry...remember that? When every mention of that person sparked either a smile or a cringe because of a memory too sticky sweet to let go.

That's being IN. You can't really 'do' anything when you're IN. Might as well surrender to it and let it flow however it wants...

But like everything else in the cycle of life, if being IN is not properly nourished, cared for, protected, defended, respected and most importantly, WANTED...it will fade. Even though it feels like the feelings couldn't possibly go anywhere...time has a way of making us look back and say damn...remember when ...????

Have you ever just felt it, that moment when you realize the IN is gone? Usually you can tell when it's starting to turn transparent...but do you ever take note of the exact moment when it's honestly, fully, solidly just no longer? smh. It's a powerful strange reflective moment.

"Time changes things. Time heals all wounds. Time makes a fool out of what we thought we knew..."