HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 sucked

2011 will swallow ;-)

Do Ask and I Might Tell

And this is just about the hottest picture of Kelly Rowland ever.

Don't Ask Don't Tell is a thing of the shady bigoted homophobic past!! Woooooo! We all know by now that on Dec 18 with a vote of 65 to 31 [31 people still suck] the ban on openly gay servicemembers has finally been repealed, and yes, it was done under the Obama administration. So suck it, bitches. Yeah yeah, I know he needs to do wayyyy more than that to get re-elected in 2012, but uh this is kinda a big deal.

I never quite understood the law anyway. I mean seriously. Did anyone really think NO ONE in the military was gay? Even if u dont ask, they're still gettin it on! SO what's the big damn deal? And not to mention, the name of the stupid law is just rude. DONT ASK DONT TELL. Well okay. But what if I wanna tell you anyway even if you never asked? Or what if you break the law and ask, but I call you a nosey bastard and don't wanna tell?? I still get in trouble!!? smh. It was just all wrong. But it's a done deal now. I wonder how many gays and lesbians are gonna start wearing rainbow bandanas under their helmets. I would...

Guess who started a shiny new blog??!

Me!!

*crickets*

Wutever, i'm excited about it! It's my new relationship, love & sex blog. I decided to start one because I've been clogging up this space with a bunch of relationship stuff and that really wasn't supposed to be the purpose so yeah, check it out. Let me know what u think.

http://notanotherloveblog.blogspot.com

Taking space in a relationship PT. 2

I think this is the 1st time i've ever revisited a blog topic. But i've been inspired by a conversation currently happening over on Facebook, so here it goes. Taking space in a relationship remixed.

So one of my FB friends posted the following as her status: "If u love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

It's a well-known quote that we've all probably heard. When i was young (17 and stupid) I thought this was a romantic concept. "Awww, it's kinda like destiny and, Romeo & Juliet and Hope Floats and fairy tales and the things old school love songs are about." I think I even went as far as testing the idea out by randomly breaking up with someone and waiting to see what would happen a few days later. Smh. But now that I am of age (27 and intelligent) I see that taking space isn't much of a laughing matter. It can make or break a relationship and more importantly, make or break a heart. Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around the concept of taking space. What it means, what it feels like, what the advantages and disadvantages are. It's not an easy pill to swallow, espescially if you're truly in love and want to actively be with the person who needs the space. Through introspection, questioning, reading articles, and digging around in other people's experiences, I expanded my thoughts on taking space and figured that it might actually be of some good. Maybe space is necessary sometimes when situations become too emotionally charged to calmly and clearly sort out together. Maybe space isn't so scary and evil afterall.

The following is a comment from one of my FB friends regarding the above status:

"I just look at it like this....yes everyone needs space but at the same time when it comes down to the person u see a future with (marriage) u can't walk away from problems and take space...u must sort thru them together...maybe take time before talking but leaving and coming back (several times) isn't healthy. That's not being 'meant to be' its being comfortable with being able to leave the problem and return when the time is good...."

Mmm hmm. And with that one insightful comment I was taken all the way back to my initial feelings on taking space: It's all a crock of shit. *sigh* Why must things be so complicated!? I dont know. But now i'm reminded as to why I was so adamantly against taking space. I agree with the above comment. When you are involved in something serious, and i'm talking long-term, possible life-partner type of thing, what does it say about your relationship if you have to leave one another to work out your problems? I think it says a lot. It says hmm we cant even figure shit out with one another without needing to break up. It says something is missing, It says the ability to problem-solve, communicate and move on is not present. It says RED LIGHT. Which we all know means stop. There is something to be said about a couple who can work through, endure and truly get over problems TOGETHER as a unit. It's admirable. It shows strength and growth. It shows that the time invested has not been a complete waste. That is the thing successful relationships/marriages are made of. Tenacity and perseverance to last through the hard shit and come back stronger to enjoy the upswing. This is how I feel in my heart and what I wish could always happen.

But here I am in my own reality, and I see that sometimes things just don't work out like that. Sometimes the problems cut so deep, and last so long that it feels like it's impossible to even look at one another without getting angry, let alone resolve the issue in a civilized manner. SO there you are at that crossroad. Some may think well if it's that bad, maybe it's time to just let the relationship go. Say goodbye and part ways. But when is it ever that easy? And beneath all of the anger, hurt and confusion, what if you know you still LOVE that person? Do you disregard the love and pack away the relationship entirely? You can. Or you can decide to take space. Time away to calm down, think logically, evaluate yourself and the situation and figure out if there's enough there worth holding on to. And if indeed there is, you come back together ready to approach things sensibly and TOGETHER.

I agree with the statement that repeatedly coming in and out of a relationship is not healthy. That=playing games. If anyone i'm with needs to seriously take space from me more than once, that additional space is gonna be permanent. Take all the space you need for the rest of your life without me. But if the space asked for is a one time thing, and if it's used wisely and NOT abused [click here to see my other post on taking space and how it can be abused] then I still have to agree that sometimes it might be the inevitable last resort worth trying.

Thoughts??

Not exactly lesbianish, but still...it's a post.

I, and it seems like the majority of people around me, are doing a lot of self-reflection these days. It's a popular thing to do at this time of the year. Trying to figure out what went wrong over the last twelve months and promise not to make the same mistakes in the new year. The whole new years resolution thing is a bunch of crap to me because they are very rarely stuck to, but ehhh *shrug*, if it's your thing, go for it!!!

As for myself, I want to take some time to think about one of the main things that has helped me make it through 2010 and what I will most definitely carry with me into 2011 and beyond: SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-love, self-esteem, self-security, etc. Different name, same advantages.

Life is a hot sticky unrelenting mess. People are going to bullshit you up and down a wall. You're gonna get your heart smashed into pieces more than once. So-called friends will stab u in the back with rusty knives. Family will take advantage of their positions and will drag you through the gutter. Some days will be long and hectic, some nights will be cold and lonely. Your feelings will get disregarded. Your emotions will be schizo. Your tears will fall and often, no one will be there to help wipe them away. Sleep will sometimes happen, other times, insomnia will be your best friend. Stress is guaranteed. People will come in and out of your life as if you are nothing but a revolving door for their personal abuse. Yeah. Process that. Then realize this:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL HAVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT...IS YOURSELF. I am not saying that you wont have a handful of people in your life who will stick by you through it all. If you're blessed, you will have at least one person. But tomorrow is not promised, and if something happens to that person, you are still left with who???...yourself. If you do not love yourself, why should you expect anyone else to?

We invest so much time in other people. Those who we love and want to have relationships/friendships with. We pour time, effort, hugs & kisses, conversations, gifts, love letters, vacations, tears and laughter into others in order to show how much we care and cherish them. But we treat ourselves like filth by lying to ourselves, depriving ourselves of happiness, staying in horrible situations, punishing ourselves for things we should have BEEN let go of, hanging on to people who mean us nothing but harm, degrading ourselves through actions AND thoughts, subscribing to self-doubt, and carrying the blame for things that will always be outside of our control. We treat ourselves like shit...yet we get angry when other people don't love us how we claim we want to be loved....hmmm

Something is wrong with this picture.

I know that I am not God's gift to the world. But dammit, I have to believe that I'm worth it at least to MYSELF because I gotta live with MYSELF for the rest of my life, and I refuse to be miserable with myself. REPEAT: I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I am not perfect. I have flaws the size of Texas and an attitude problem the length of the Nile. I have hurt people that I care about and will regret it for the rest of my life. I have been hurt by people I loved and will probably always have residue left behind from it. I can be difficult to deal with and I have a long way to go to truly learn the value of selfless and patient love. I know that anyone who decides that I am worth loving, deserves some type of special recognition [oscar nomination, lifetime achievement award, sumthin] BUT I know that I am worth it. I have things to offer that should be appreciated and embraced. I know how to love and I should be loved back. I am the only ME walking this earth and I only have one shot at it so why make the mistake of trying to love everyone else while depriving myself??

The quickest way to fail at every single thing you are trying to succeed at is to attempt it while doubting/hating/discounting yourself.

So, I'm asking you to step outside of your fear and take baby steps down the path of self-love and self-preservation. It will be the single most important journey of your life and it's never too late to start.

Please have a beautifully blessed Christmas and a fun and SAFE New year :-)

Thank you for reading my blog. You don't know how much I appreciate it...

Raising kids in a homophobic society

I grew into my maternal instincts rather late. While old classmates were having babies in their early 20's, I was like ummmm negative. I have too much to do and no time to be shackled by bottles and bibs. I knew I wanted kids, just not when I was 21. But now, I'm 27, and my ovaries are staging a protest. I feel them. Holding little signs, chanting WE WANT BABIES AND WE WANT EM NOW! *sigh*

I guess it is about that time. Approaching 30, just about done with undergrad, on my way to grad school, a lot more mentally stable than I was in my early 20's THANK baby JESUS. So yeah. I want a few little mini-me's. Note: a few. Not a litter. I think I've grown into good mommy material and I know the person I want to have children with is about the most amazing person with kids ever. So we are good on that front. My main concern [outside of trying to explain the process of invitro and surrogacy to my parents] is raising children in this crazy ass world. *triple sigh*

It's hard enough to raise children in a heterosexual home. But for two women, or two men, having a family takes on a whole different slant and it's extremely unfortunate. Behind closed doors, I believe families with same-sex parents can be just as functional or dysfunctional as a family with a mother and a father. If the parents have a strong and healthy bond and know what the hell they are doing, then the children will be raised with as much love and care as any other family. But outside of the walls of the home is where trouble arises. People, adults and other children alike, can be so cruel and ignorant. I can see people's faces now as myself and my partner walk into PTA meetings (I will be at every single one). I can already hear the whispers "are they...no, they aren't...oh my god they are!" smh. I could give a rats ass about the talk personally because I am very good at defending myself. It's my children that I worry about. I can excuse light ridicule from other children towards my kids, because kids will be kids, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. BUT the first time an adult says something ignorant to my babies...i'm goin to jail. I know it. I'm starting my bail money fund next month.

Note to the homophobes of the world: mess with my babies and you get all kinds of f'd up. I'm jus sayin.

I just wish the world was more..I don't know...I hate the word tolerant because I don't feel like i'm doin' anything that needs tolerance. I'm living my life. I just want everyone else to do the same and mind their own business.

Guess I need to prep myself and stock up on blood pressure medication.

On my way to open up a paypal account for that bail fund.....

I jus can't get enough of stud/fem couples *swoon*

So it's not a secret at all how much i love studs. They're it for me. Well, actually only one stud is IT for me, but i'm jus sayin. I love the fem/stud relationship dynamic. Something about a feisty, shit-talking, sweet-smelling, lip-gloss wearin femme and a laid-back, dressed-to-kill, sneakers OR dress shoe wearin, smooth-talkin "i got this, babe" stud....mmmmm. Loves it. Not throwin any shade at all to my femme/femme, stud/stud or lableless couples out there. I see yall :-) I jus have a soft spot for stud/femme love. So let's celebrate it!!!!

Last three pics courtesy of : Black is Beautiful, Gay is Good

Being out and staying sane

Holidays are here, as they are every year around this same time, and that means bomb ass food, holiday parties, cuddle-buddy weather and family! Sounds like good times, right!?

Pffft *eye roll*

Okay so the food is good. Cuddle-buddy weather... ehh, only if u actually have a cuddle buddy worth having. But the FAMILY lawd...the family. Love em to pieces but damn! No one knows how to work a last nerve better than family. Especially when that last nerve is gay and the family is conservativereligiousclosemindedANDstubborn. Let's talk about it.

So I came out to my parents five years ago. They knew I wasn't straight anyway and they knew (and loved) my partner. I felt like i owed them the awkward fireside chat about it. [not exactly how it went but i'll save that for another time] The rest of my family, i kinda feel like I don't owe them anything. lol. Like really. I'm not gonna have that talk with every single member of my family just because we are related. It's unnecessary and it's not happening. They don't march around chanting I'M STRAIGHT AND PROUD so why do i need to wave the rainbow flag at every festive get together?? um..no

But this can make things a little sticky. When I go to above-mentioned holiday get-togethers and I walk in with my partner, those who don't know her just sit there lookin like all damn night. And that gets a bit irritating. Then come the "sneaky" questions. "So is this your best friend?" "Y'all go to school together?" "Have we met her before?" "She looks just like [insert a drunk unce's name here]...is this his daughter??" knowin damn well my girlfriend doesn't look like ANYBODY in our family!! smh. Please stop trying to make us related just because you are uncomfortable with the thought of us NOT bein related, which means we are probably having sex. Yeah. Just stop.

So what do I do about it? If anyone directly asks me, "soooo are yall together?", I'd happily answer YES and probably throw in a hug for their blunt honesty and intelligence it took to put two and two together. But for the other 98% of my family who are just gonna keep fishing all night with that perplexed look on their face, what do I do with them??

*sigh*

Maybe I should hold a townhall meeting for the entire family, make a general announcement:

To all my friends and family by blood or by happenstance, I would just like to take a few seconds to confirm your assumptions and announce my gayness. Yes I am a card-carrying gay agenda having u-haul trucking lesbian who plans on having babies the UNnatural way within the next couple of years and a man wont be within 3 feet of my vajayjay ever again unless he's my gynecologist/obstetrician and even that isn't guaranteed. To all of you who have asked 4887375 times who this is, is this a cousin, is this a classmate, is this a friend from work- SHE is my partner, isnt she sexy? Yeah, I know. Any questions?? No? Okay. Thanks for coming out [no pun intended] and have a lovely day.

Maybe I should. Hmm. Thoughts??

"She's just a friend" and other BS...

So we've all been there done that. Got yourself caught up in drama with your partner because A, you don't know how to hold your liquor B, you don't know how to shut your mouth C, you don't know how to say NO or D, all of the above. I'm not one to throw stones because lord knows my own house is made of glass. BUT i do a little something called "learning from my mistakes" and some things are just not worth the bullshit. Here are a few of those things and phrases to stay far far away from if you are trying to keep a happy home (happy = someone not goin upside your head with a hard object)

"She's just a friend" - Negative. If she was, you wouldn't have any reason to say so. Spare yourself and your partner the waste of time and re-evaluate the friendship. If it's something you can fix, fix it. If not, it's either your friend or your partner. Make your decision, stick to it and move on with life.

Deleting text messages and phone records- Unless you know how to tap into your wireless carrier's online site, you can delete from your phone all you want, the evidence of your late night convos will still be readily available online. Especially if you have T-mobile :-)

Forgetting bdays & anniversaries- Um isnt that one reason why you're around anyway?! Lock it into your phone, set an alarm, circle the calendar, program it into your computer, SOMEthing. Technology is far too advanced to forget things like this. Hell, order the flowers months early if u have to, then u can forget about it with no worries.

Forgetting your manners- Thank you, I appreciate it, No one does it better, Mmmm i've been waiting for this all day...just a few simple words to show that you aren't taking your partner for granted. When you start leaving these sentiments out, it's a sign that a rift is developing. Stop it.

Calling your partner by someone else's name- 0_o Do i really need to explain why this is a no no? And it doesn't matter whether it's during sex or not. I don't care if all we are doin is shopping for garbage bags, if you call me by another woman's name, it means she's on your mind and not me. So how about u go clear your mind and return when you're ready? K, thanx, bye.

Spending too much time with the homies/girls - Friends are good. No, friends are great. They make the world go around. But when your partner feels like you'd rather be with your friends than spending q-time with her, nothing good can come from it. And if u truly feel like that...uh...it might be about that time for a little relationship analysis.

Not spending ANY time with friends- on the flip, spending too much time with your partner can have adverse affects also. What's the saying?? Too much of anything is jus too damn much?! Okay, so that's not the saying, but u get me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is a real one :-) And it's usually the truth. Usually. So take time apart sometimes and give yourself a chance to miss one another.

Drunk texting- lol. I use to have this so bad. smh. Even if you're single, this can be annoying cuz who wants to sit up and text u when all your messages look like : Hiii kjj I jfh miss u! Fukkkd up ritee noow heee heee!! no one. But it's even worse if you're partnered and u lose your inhibitions after a few drinks and start sending suggestive (god forbid x-rated) txts to random people. If u know you're gonna throw a few back, hide your phone from yourself. Give it to a trusted friend. Just try to forget about the phone for the night and enjoy yourself...safely.

"See what had happened was..." - uh uh. That line is so played, I can't even remember the last time anyone intelligent actually fell for it. If you have an excuse for something, first, make it a good one, and second, never EVER begin with see what had happened was. Automatically guilty. Even if you're innocent. *shrug*

"Oh I was sleep" - See above. Just as lame of an excuse. It's also the hardest to prove as a lie so it might seem like its a good one to hide behind. But if it's mid day and your partner is trying to reach you and all u have to say...every single time...is that u were sleep...unless your on meds that make u drowsy, u might wanna prep yourself for some shit cuz that excuse gets old, fast. There's not enough sleep in the world.


And the list can go on and on but that's all i got for now!! :-)

What makes a writer a lesbian writer??

So if you didn't know by now, i'm a writer. I write poetry and fiction dramas. I go to school for it and everything. lol. [not that going to school makes u any better of a writer than a truly gifted one who has never seen the inside of a college classroom. If you're talented, you're talented] Also, if you didn't know, i'm a lesbian. *gasp!* Yeah. I am.

I've been thinking lately about the so-called professional writer's "burden" of representing the various social/cultural/ethnic groups that we might belong to, and i'm a bit confused. So since i'm a lesbian...who writes...will everything i write be considered a "lesbian novel"? Or "queer poetry"? And since i'm black, will everything I write automatically be presented as a black or (dare I say) an "urban" novel?

If so, i'm not sure how I feel about being so heavily boxed in. I love representing my beautiful silky smooth sexy luscious blackness and my uberfemme fierce gayness but when it comes to marketing and book sales, I want to be as accessible as possible...UNLESS i'm writing specifically to a gay or black audience. If I write a book called "How to make a thick caramel femme fall in love with you in 30 days or less" of course I know it will be geared towards lesbians. And that's great. But what if I write a civil war period piece...or a quirky relationship drama that doesnt signify race or sexuality?? How will that be accepted? Jus wondering...

Any published or non-published writers with any input or worries of their own would make me very happy!!! :-)

Can we be friends?? Hell no.

So as I'm up at some ungodly hour early in the morning thinking about the mess that is my life right now, i'm simultaneously clicking on random Youtube links. I came across a video talkin about past relationships that went sour and how a friendship with the ex didnt work out, for one reason or another. It got me thinkin about what it is that determines whether or not a friendship is possible after a romantic interlude. It has to be some certain component between the two people that's either in full effect, or it's completely non-existent. I think at the least, the formula has to consist of mutual respect, boundaries, understanding and maturity. Beyond that, i havent a clue how to make it work.

Speaking for myself, i'm friends with ONE ex girlfriend and that shit almost didnt happen either. lol. But we worked it out and i love her like a sister now. But everyone else...pssssh. Once the relationship/complicated situation fizzled out, it was a done deal. I'm a firm believer that not everyone is suppose to be in your life forever. A lot of people get caught up in trying to play nice by holding onto exes as friends, but sometimes...it's just not worth the drama.
Here are a few reasons why you should just walk away:

1.If you're still in love with her and there's no sign of her feeling the same way- let it go. It's only gonna break your heart on a daily basis to be around this girl that u want but who is obviously over u and probably close to being on to the next one. Take some time to get over her and get ya mind right, and then maybe a friendship will be possible in the future. Until then, you'll just look like a desperate clingy stalker. *shrug*

2. If you hate her with everything dark and evil inside of you- let it go and get some counseling. Nothing good can come out of hating an ex. Any type of friendship you attempt is probably merely a disguise to easily set it up for u to blackmail/sabotage/get some type of revenge on her for crushing your world. No friendship material found here.

3. You have a new love interest but something about your ex keeps pulling you back...either let the ex go, or let the new chick go. It's probably not safe for u to attempt to keep both. Sometimes the sexual chemistry between two people will never ever ever fade, even when the relationship is dead and gone. Lingering thoughts of great sex will make u temporarily forget why yall broke up in the first place and will eventually get u in trouble if u are always around one another.

4. You don't hate her, you arent in love with her, you dont even necessarily wanna hit, but u just feel some kinda way whenever u look at her- let it go at least until u wash away the residue. Thats all it is. All relationships leave remnants of everything that went bad and good between two people and sometimes it takes a while to thoroughly clean house. Forcing a friendship before the time is right will only lead to frustration and bitterness.

So yeah, sometimes it really is okay to have that one last cry/kiss/hug/argument/sexsession and completely close the chapter on that person. If you arent mutually bringing any positivity, growth or happiness into one anothers lives, then what's the point of salvaging a friendship built on a sinking foundation?

Pushing past the pain...

So we've all been in fucked up relationships. Most of them start beautifully and end tragically because like the old adage says, all good things come to an end. So-called relationship experts say the best thing to do after a break up is to consolidate your feelings, get closure and start piecing your single life back together bit by bit.

What a crock of shit.

How do you consolidate feelings? I know how to consolidate debt...but feelings/emotions/love/anger/hostility/resentment/hopelessness/etcetera... how the hell do u wrap all of that into a bundle and pay it down until it no longer exists anymore? *shrug*

And what is closure, exactly? Is there really a question that can be answered, an aha moment waiting to happen where all of the atrocicites that happened in the relationship all come together to make perfect sense, leaving you able to walk away from it a better person?? Is that closure? Does anyone really get comfort from figuring out why and how things took that final turn for the worse? Maybe I just don't get it. Then again, I changed my major from Psych to English a long ass time ago because I knew I would make the worst possible relationship therapist ever.

ME as the therapist: Oh you say ya'll havent had sex in 6 months?? Well, if u want my professional opinion, sounds like either one or both of yall is gettin some ass on the side so either confess, knock it off and start banging each other instead, OR get a divorce.

SO yeah...maybe it's just not meant for me to comprehend the rational logistics behind matters of the heart gone bad. When a relationship that means something to me ends, I tend to dissect it to the point of no return and the bare bones that I leave behind never fail to make me completely miserable. Even with consolidated feelings, attempted closure, and stray attempts to move on, it all seems like failure to me because the relationship didnt survive. *sigh*

How do u push past the bullshit, drama and pain? I know its possible to continue living life and eventually find happiness elsewhere...but that can only happen if u figure out your starting point first...

Its not cheaper to keep her

When I was younger, I struggled with understanding what it meant to "keep" somebody. I heard the phrase used many times. "i dont keep h*es who dont wanna be kept!" and so forth. But what does that mean? Kept as in picking something up and keeping it in your pocket? Kept as in being stingy with it and not sharing with anyone else? Wtf does keeping someone mean? When I thought "kept" i equated that to slavery. lol. *shrug*

Now, as a grown ass woman who has tried her not so good luck at relationships, I fully understand what a "kept woman" is and it is not for me.

If you are with someone who needs to be kept, RUN. The only reason u will ever feel as if you are struggling to keep someone is if they don't really wanna be there anymore. If you have someone who willingly gives all of their heart, soul, attention, affection and most of their time...you arent keeping them, you're enjoying the benefits of being loved. If you have someone who conveniently forgets where home is, dodges spending time with you, opts to spend quality time elsewhere, ignores you, puts you on hold, needs to be chased, or gives excuses as to why they aren't available....you are trying to keep someone who doesnt want to be kept and you're only hurting yourself. You aren't hurting the other person because being "kept" by you while having the space and opportunity to play elsewhere is very much so like having your cake and eating it too. Who doesn't want that if they can get it?

Keeping someone who doesn't want to be kept is a waste of time, energy and emotion. Oprah often quotes Dr. Maya Angelou, "When someone shows u who they are, believe them." I believe this to a certain extent. I do believe in the power of growth and change though, so just because i showed u who i was at one point in my life some years ago, doesnt mean im in the same place now. So allow me to alter that phrase for the sake of this post. When you know you are giving your all and someone shows you that they aren't satisfied/happy/pleased/fulfilled with what you are giving them, believe them. And let them GO. Trying to "keep" someone else will only lead to losing your own damn mind. Not worth it.

THIS is why Studs & Fems can't be friends...

As usual, I have to state that I do realize there are always exceptions to every rule. Not all people will fall under my sweeping account as to why Stud and Fem friendships = a hot ass mess. But MOST do, and YOU are probably one of the most so get over it. Moving on...

As I thought about a couple of situations that have dramatically unfolded for people I know, I came to the realization that under most circumstances, studs and fems cannot just be friends. UNLESS (pay attention here) the stud and fem are both extremely unattracted to one another. By unattracted I mean, there's something about the fem that turns the stud wayyyy off, and there's something about the stud that the fem can't romantically tolerate. Under these conditions, a healthy and non-romantic friendship may be possible because there's no imminent threat of anything else happening. But when you have an attractive stud and an attractive feminine woman trying to embark on a 100% platonic BFF moment.... no maam. This is why.

There's this thing that I call StemChem. [ Stud + Fem + Chemistry] Follow me here. Studs (if they're worth anything) have this natural need to protect fems. Some even go as far as to cater to fems if it comes naturally, example: opening doors, pulling out chairs, making fems walk on the inside instead of close to the street, being really good listeners/shoulders to cry on, etc. All of this doesn't always necessarily mean that the stud wants to jump the fems bones. She could just be very considerate and charming, which is great. But then, you have us fems. Most of us really really like being treated with that sort of attention and care. Many women are not use to it and when they get a taste of the "treatment", its instant addiction. It's quite easy for fems to get caught up in being treated like a lady cuz um...sorry to say it, most of who we date ain't worth shit on two sticks. So introduce a fem to a GOOD stud who knows how to act and its a wrap. Head in the clouds, butterflies in the stomach, and pussy jumpin-jacks. This will happen EVEN IF THEY ARE CLAIMING TO ONLY BE FRIENDS. And of course the stud starts to feel like she's doin something right, her ego will get stroked and this will only make her step it up even more, which only makes the fem drool even more, which only makes the stud start thinkin hmmmmm, which then makes the fem start thinking hmmmmmm, and once the fem thinks hmmmm it's a done deal people. Cuz if the fem is open, TRUST, the stud will be there to fill whichever wide open spaces that need to be plugged. Smh. It's a fragile and dangerous cycle, this StemChem. And it happens 9 times outta 10. I'm just sayin.

Now, what I will also say is that all of this stud/fem chemistry wont always lead to something. Just because the dynamic is there, doesn't mean both people will always be willing to throw caution to the wind and risk a friendship by taking it to a sexual or emotionally inappropriate level. Either the stud or the fem might have a strong dose of common sense and know when and how to back up before it gets too hot. But it is important that both parties can mutually respect the boundaries if any are set in place. If you have a stud sayin no, but the fem is still tossin ass at her every which way....ummm...it's not gonna work out. And vice versa. If the fem is sayin we need to chill out, and the stud continues in full don juan mode, that friendship is bound for disaster.

Simply put (after allll of that) the sensual dynamic between studs and feminine women is obviously strong and very seductive for those of us who love it. It can sneak up on you and catch you off guard. It can be plotted and schemed into happening. It can never happen at all. But the possibility of it is huge. Knowing yourself and having a firm grasp on what you do or don't want to happen is key when attempting a friendship with someone of the opposite umm... label. lol. Knowing and respecting your boundaries, your limits and your areas of temptation can keep you outta some serious shit if you pay attention and LISTEN. We all have weak spots but we don't have to give in to them. It is a choice, whether you like to accept the personal responsibility or not. It's a hard lesson to learn and you will learn it eventually. Trust me. I know. So be smart and be careful.

And now, as usual after writing such posts, I need a drink :)

Cellphones = DRAMA. Nuff said.

No one can stay drama free forever. It's virtually impossible unless you live isolated in a igloo somewhere, and even then you'll have drama cuz it's cold as shit and you'll freeze your ass off. But let me tell you this, and i'm gonna try to keep it short and sweet- if you are in a relationship and you don't know how to act, you're cell phone WILL get you in trouble. Let me break down "not knowin how to act":

- if you have a significant other and you feel the need to send 58678394 text messages every day to someone else BESIDES that significant other...you dont know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and you wait for her to leave the house so you can talk to the NEXT chick on the phone...you don't know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and you cant put the damn cell phone down for a day in fear of missing something...you dont know how to act.

- if you have a significant other and you have mini seizures on the inside everytime she touches or even breathes near your phone...you don't know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and your phone is goin off past midnite from females who ARENT family members or who at least arent dying... you don't know how to act.

There are more but i'm tired and this subject has thoroughly frustrated me for the night so im through. Get it together ladies. Most of us are too old for the bullshit and games. Please know that cell phones = drama so if you're triflin, play it safe and do your shit in PERSON. Cuz if u use the cell, you will get caught. Point blank period.

I need a drink.

What makes you a lesbian?

Please bare with me here as this topic is quite touchy for me and for many others, therefore, if I stay a little too long on my soap box...get over it. It's my blog. K thanx.

Now. lesbehonest (i had to do it. Shout out to Drake) not everything that glitters is gold. We all know this. The same applies to lesbians. Not everything that eats pussy is gay. Allow me to repeat: NOT EVERYTHING THAT STICKS ITS FACE INSIDE OF A VAGINA OR LETS ANOTHER WOMAN STICK HER FACE INSIDE HER VAGINA IS A LESBIAN.

Of course, we have bisexuals. And I mean honest to God bisexuals. They are mentally and physically attracted to both sexes and can be in long term committed relationships with either/or. That is a bisexual. And if that is YOU, good for you, here's your gold star for the month.

But i'm not even dealing with the bi's today. I'm dealing with the women who slip and fall on another woman's strap on Tuesday and wants to call herself a lesbian by Friday. FUCK outta here.

OR...the "straight" women who "catch feelings" for a random ass female once in a blue moon as if "the gay" can be caught and sprinkled by magic leprechauns. Y'all are the worst. The WORST. It's these women who go gay by accident for a quick fix who give REAL lesbians a horrible rep. And yall dumb ass lesbians who fall for them might as well hand over your gay cards cuz you are being P L A Y E D. Smh & *shrug*

So let me ask, what makes you a lesbian?

I know what makes ME a lesbian. I love ALL things woman. I love pussy. Everything about it. I love estrogen. I love female pheromones. I love hot flashes bitch fests tears psychoanalytical bullshit mental instability emotional roller coasters girl-sex strap ons/strap off EVERYTHING. I want to marry a woman. I want to have babies with a woman. I want to spend the rest of my crazy ass life with a woman. I cannot live thrive or survive without the love of a woman. And men could disappear off the continent tomorrow and I wouldn't cry narry a drop. That sounds pretty damn lesbian to me.

Top that.

Valentine's Day sucks for lesbians

Yes this is true. Valentine's day is what it is. A commercialized capitalistic gold mine for heterosexuals and bisexuals who make sure they're conveniently booed up with men every February 14th. Valentine's day is about all things pink and red and fluffy and furry and chocolatey and glittery and hallmarky and all that other shit. It's the perfect time of year for men to venture out in their King of the Jungle outfits and round up all of the mushy crap they can find to impress their powder puffs back at the house. Key words here are MEN , MUSHY CRAP. Mixing men and mushy crap usually leads to disaster, but they are MEN and we expect that from them. Straight women oooh and ahhh and tear up at the same ole crap they give every yr and say it's the thought that counts and they move on. Another day another dollar.

What does this have to do with lesbians?? Thank you for asking.

Women giving mushy gifts to other women = a dangerous combination. We are good at that shit. (usually. There are exceptions to every rule o_0) We know how to shop and we know what gift is gonna strike what chord deep inside the recesses of your girls complicated ass mind. We put thought, blood, sweat and tears behind any gift we buy and we like to make it MEAN something. It's all about meaning, and perception and feelings. Which is why Valentine's day sucks for lesbians because if you just so happen to NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE and February 14th rolls around...it makes you wanna hang out around the highest point of the Golden Gate bridge and not for no damn sightseeing. *sigh* It's just rude. Women should not get other women addicted to receiving all the cutesy romantic shit UNLESS they're gonna be there to give it every single year without any hesitation :-(

BLAH.

Taking space in a relationship: worth it or bullsh it ?

Alrighty now blog-lovelies, so this topic is near and not-so-dear to my heart. I'm sure some of you have wandered upon the dreaded bridge called Taking Space from a relationship. From this bridge of space most couples end up jumping off of it and drowning in the murky waters of hatred and bitterness. But I do know of instances where couples are able to take space and come back reinvigorated, renewed, and ready to give their all to one another again. What defines the difference and how do you know whether or not space is needed between you and yours? Well that's what the hell I wanna know so why r u askin me?? lol. I kid, I kid. Let's figure this out together.

The way I see it, taking space is like coming to a fork in the road where going to the right will eventually lead you to paradise, while turning left will land u in Compton at 2:30 in the morning with $500 in a Louis bag smellin of weed and cheap sex. You get my drift? It all depends on how you and your partner conduct yourselves while on the break. It also depends on communication and RULES. No one likes rules but dammit sometimes they're necessary in order to keep shit in tact. A break is a break. But what does that mean? Is your break one of those breaks where ANYTHING goes? Are both of yall allowed to fuck with other people? Be emotionally involved with other people? Or is it merely time apart to evaluate what the hell is going on and to figure out what u need from each other?

In my honest opinion, I think breaks that end with couples successfully coming back to each other on a positive note start with the rule that engaging in physical or emotional "affairs" with other people is off limits. Obviously the relationship must be important enough to not just 100% end it (hence you're just taking a "break") so why complicate it by getting involved with someone else on the side?? It makes you look like an ass who really just needed space and opportunity to fuck with someone else. In that case, don't call it a break. Be woman enough to call it quits.

I don't know just how well taking space truly works. But I do know that sometimes space is necessary. If you and your sig other argue more than yall have sex....take space. If you can't seem to get over an issue or issues concerning your partner and things have been extra tense for awhile....take space. If you are doubting your feelings for your partner....take space. But please PLEASE know what it means when you opt for taking space over just breaking up entirely. Know that you have left an amount of hope and expectation that the relationship will be picked back up and made a priority once again. Do what you have to do to get yourself in line but remember that one day you will return to that person hoping that they will let you take them off the shelf, dust them off and love them again. No one will wait forever. If you're taking space from someone you don't want to lose forever, you'd be smart if you act like it.

Abusing the space you take looks a lil sumthin like this:
-finding a sex buddy to hold u over until u get back with your partner
-establishing an emotional connection with someone else that is deeper than 100% friendship
-when the space you take can be spoken of in terms of YEARS, you're doing way too much. Just break it off completely.
-running the streets like a college student on spring break at Mardi Gras. Is that what the space was for? I think not