I, and it seems like the majority of people around me, are doing a lot of self-reflection these days. It's a popular thing to do at this time of the year. Trying to figure out what went wrong over the last twelve months and promise not to make the same mistakes in the new year. The whole new years resolution thing is a bunch of crap to me because they are very rarely stuck to, but ehhh *shrug*, if it's your thing, go for it!!!
As for myself, I want to take some time to think about one of the main things that has helped me make it through 2010 and what I will most definitely carry with me into 2011 and beyond: SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-love, self-esteem, self-security, etc. Different name, same advantages.
Life is a hot sticky unrelenting mess. People are going to bullshit you up and down a wall. You're gonna get your heart smashed into pieces more than once. So-called friends will stab u in the back with rusty knives. Family will take advantage of their positions and will drag you through the gutter. Some days will be long and hectic, some nights will be cold and lonely. Your feelings will get disregarded. Your emotions will be schizo. Your tears will fall and often, no one will be there to help wipe them away. Sleep will sometimes happen, other times, insomnia will be your best friend. Stress is guaranteed. People will come in and out of your life as if you are nothing but a revolving door for their personal abuse. Yeah. Process that. Then realize this:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL HAVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT...IS YOURSELF. I am not saying that you wont have a handful of people in your life who will stick by you through it all. If you're blessed, you will have at least one person. But tomorrow is not promised, and if something happens to that person, you are still left with who???...yourself. If you do not love yourself, why should you expect anyone else to?
We invest so much time in other people. Those who we love and want to have relationships/friendships with. We pour time, effort, hugs & kisses, conversations, gifts, love letters, vacations, tears and laughter into others in order to show how much we care and cherish them. But we treat ourselves like filth by lying to ourselves, depriving ourselves of happiness, staying in horrible situations, punishing ourselves for things we should have BEEN let go of, hanging on to people who mean us nothing but harm, degrading ourselves through actions AND thoughts, subscribing to self-doubt, and carrying the blame for things that will always be outside of our control. We treat ourselves like shit...yet we get angry when other people don't love us how we claim we want to be loved....hmmm
Something is wrong with this picture.
I know that I am not God's gift to the world. But dammit, I have to believe that I'm worth it at least to MYSELF because I gotta live with MYSELF for the rest of my life, and I refuse to be miserable with myself. REPEAT: I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I am not perfect. I have flaws the size of Texas and an attitude problem the length of the Nile. I have hurt people that I care about and will regret it for the rest of my life. I have been hurt by people I loved and will probably always have residue left behind from it. I can be difficult to deal with and I have a long way to go to truly learn the value of selfless and patient love. I know that anyone who decides that I am worth loving, deserves some type of special recognition [oscar nomination, lifetime achievement award, sumthin] BUT I know that I am worth it. I have things to offer that should be appreciated and embraced. I know how to love and I should be loved back. I am the only ME walking this earth and I only have one shot at it so why make the mistake of trying to love everyone else while depriving myself??
The quickest way to fail at every single thing you are trying to succeed at is to attempt it while doubting/hating/discounting yourself.
So, I'm asking you to step outside of your fear and take baby steps down the path of self-love and self-preservation. It will be the single most important journey of your life and it's never too late to start.
Please have a beautifully blessed Christmas and a fun and SAFE New year :-)
Thank you for reading my blog. You don't know how much I appreciate it...
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8 comments:
Chanel, when you write, you speak DIRECTLY to MY heart and soul, it's scary...smh...wow
I needed this. Like really really needed this. Its hard to listen when people tell you to love yourself. It sounds so generic. But this, i needed to read. Im gonna try to do better by myself because like u said, i'm really all i can 100% depend on.
I wish loving yourself was just that easy. For some it is so natural and for other's it's actually a job. And when it's not natural it's one of the hardest jobs to maintain. *sigh* Hopefully one day I will reach that place.
Powerful post, sista. This is the truth. We have been conditioned through experiences, mainly in childhood but also well into adulthood, that loving self is the hardest task ever. It's not. Hating or loathing oneself is the most unnatural thing u can do. We are naturally wired to protect and nourish ourselves in order to provide nourishment and protection for our children. If we cant love oursleves and if we dont know how to properly take care of ourselves, what good will we be as parents and teachers for future generations?
I know it's hard. Sometimes life aint shit. Sorry to be so unpoetic about it. But that's just how it is. We have decisions to make daily and one of those decisions is to remain stuck feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like you cant do shit, arent good for shit and wont ever come out of shit. And if you mentally choose that path, then mentally that is exactly where u will stay.
We are so quick to give circumstance so much power over us and we forget that we have more control over ourselves than we like to believe.
Once again, powerful post. Hopefully it will get across to someone feeling as if they are stuck and cant possibly find a way out. The only option is to believe that u can and then start digging.
So many good points here in the comments. I get what toni is saying. I come from a past where it almost feels like i dont have an option but to dislike almost everything about myself. That feels natural to me. When your own mother treats like you dont matter, how do you process that? It becomes natural. I carried all of this self hate with me for 32 years. People would tell me girl youre beautiful, how can u not love yourself? Or girl youre a college graduate, how can u not think youre smart. My favorite was but youre too sweet and loveable! How can u not love yourself?? They dont understand that i dnt see what they see. When i look in the mirror, I was seeing something pathetic and beat down. Yes, i graduated from college but it seemed like i was failing at everything else. I wasnt happy doin anything. Waking up every day seemed to be the hardest thing. smh. It's just a weight that feels impossible to shrug off and say WELL i think ill love myself today.
And i stayed in that until the night i took 17 painkillers, snorted three lines of coke and drank an entire bottle of liquor by my damn self. I should be dead. Thats what i wanted. The thought of not being here any more made me happier than any one's kind words ever could. But for some reason, my life was spared. I do not know why or how and i question it to this day because come on now. I weigh 117 pounds wet and i pumped all of that into my body. smh. But it wasnt my time. And when i realized that all of this time, i had been blocking my own blessings and my own happiness by staying trapped in such self-negativity, i woke the hell up. No one can live like that forever. 32 yrs of it almost killed me. When youre tired of it or when you get to the very end and theres absolutely nothing or noone else left, you will stop and you will change and you will slowly find things to love about yourself. Thats the only option unless you let yourself die.
Thank you for this post and for these genuine comments. I will be sharing this with others.
It is most definitely a process.And it does start with how we were raised. If u had parents who did what they were supposed to do, then self esteem and security will be in u as a child and will be in u as an adult. Sadly, everyone doesnt have that. I did not. The foster care system fucked me in every way. Literally and emotionally. I hated myself as if i was the blame for it all. Fortunately I have people in my adulthood who love me so much they wouldnt even let me get to the end point. It was either get your shit together or we are instituting your crazy ass. lol. The end point is too scary of a place to be. Ive lost three friends to suicide becuz of this shit. Im tired of it. I pushed through it. If i did it, anyone can and I want to help as much as possible.
I dont know how it feels to personally dislike yourself because I was blessed with amazing family and my friends now keep me so uplifted. But Chanel this is real. Lack of self love is such a major role in everything wrong with the world. People killing their babies then killing themselves, people being addicted to drugd/alcohol, unsafe sex practices, etc. It all stems from not thinking youre worth better.
More people perfect the act of hating themselves than loving themselves. I decided i needed to figure out how to love myself because i wanted to be different from the majority of people. Also, i just got tired of the woe is me party. I never invited others to join me. Barely anyone even knew how bad i was, except for my girlfriend and it took a toll on us. But i knew i had to do somethin. Its all a mind thing. Once u r able to control your own mind and see that u can influence what u think and how u see yourself, it gets easier. Takes time and dedication and patience. U have to have the right people in your corner. Doesnt hurt to keep people by your side who have enough self confidence for the both of u. Surrounding yourself with others who have selt esteem problems also can be dangerous and draining. Some people need a deeper reason than just themselves. Mine was my daughter. When i had her i could barely even look at myself. But i knew i had to do something because how in the hell was i gonna raise a strong-minded independent confident woman when I wasnt one myself? I couldnt do that without being the biggest hipocrite. So i got my shit together because i really didnt have a choice.
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