Dear 2011:

I always post my Year in Reflection letter over at my other spot, but I decided to cross-post it here also this year just because I can. Without further wait....

Dear 2011: Let me start by saying that you are sneaky, slick, fast, and conniving as hell . I swear, you just got here!!! It was just January three weeks ago. smh. It's like I blinked, and it was Thanksgiving. This has been one of the fastest years of my life in a long time and i'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It's like i've been in a coma for twelve months and somehow I slept through an entire year! Only...i didnt sleep much this yr at all. lol. Seriously though...I feel like I can joke and play with you, 2011, because you were so much more kinder and gentler to me than your evil ass sister, 2010. That bitch...

So how do I run this year down? Just because I like to do things like this, I'll come up with 3 words to describe 2011:

Tangible
Scary
Transformational

Yeah. Those are three good ones. 2011 brought more clarity to me than i've felt in a long time and that automatically made it better than the couple of years before it. Of course, along with seeing things more clearly, comes fear. It's hard to be afraid of that which you can't see or feel. But once you see things clearly for what they truly are...fear can settle in because then you have certain responsibilities on your shoulders: decision-making, self-accountability, damage control, etc. Shit is scary. But it's real. And it's necessary. Without blunt, raw, genuine honesty and the ability to SEE clearly...there's no room for change and growth. Without change and growth, you remain stuck in whatever has enough power to hold you back. 2011 taught me well. This year I have opened to the necessity of change in ways I can't and wont explain here, but i feel in my heart and soul will lead to further transformation in one form or another. And for that, I am thankful. I cried a lot over these 12 months. A LOT. The difference between the bulk of my tears this year, and ALL of them last year is that most of the tears that fell in 2011 were cleansing, therapeutic and a way for my soul to express that I was "getting what needed to be got". My heart is in a slightly better place because this year has shown ME how to be a little bit better to it. *smile*...thank you.

Oh and I also kinda sorta finally GRADUATED from undergrad this year!!!!!!!!!! :) Automatically makes 2011 go hard.

2012, I have high hopes for you and you have large shoes to fill. I'm not worried though because there's so much more work to be done and so many ways for you to show up and gift me with something beautiful. I'm so ready.

Physical versus Emotional: A game of monogamy

I was minding my business on Facebook when I came across this comment:

There is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having feelings for them. Me and my girl both find people attractive, but having specific feelings for another person is not okay. The day she develops feelings with someone else is the day we have to end it. I don't share. If she loved me or was "in love" with me she wouldn't have feelings for anyone else.

Of course, this got me thinking about relationships and monogamy. Most of us seem to be striving for that certain type of love. I hesitate to say a "fairytale romance" because I don't know what that means. But y'all get what I'm saying. The kind of romance that makes you wanna speed 85mph, rushing home to milk every golden second that you possibly can with your love. The relationship that makes you say yes way more often than no. Kisses that tease smiles from the corners of your lips and quiet moments of intimacy that seem to go on and on...and on. Most of us want that. But when we find it, how long can we really keep it?

Forever is a long time. I've heard that nothing lasts forever and the only thing that goes on and on for eternity is death. [cue morbid music] So what does that mean for the state of amazing relationships? If the relationship is that amazing, one would want to hold on to that person, and only that person, for dear life....right? I would think so. But then I blink and reality seeps back in. Even amazing, love-song inspired, gone with wind-esque meets Romeo and Juliet [without the suicide] romances are susceptible to human error, lust, need, and greed. As expressed in the comment above, most of us have eyes that work, and we are bound to find people attractive outside of our nucleus relationships. I don't find anything particularly wrong with that. I'm reasonable enough to know that my ass, hips, lips, thighs and other delicious parts aren't the only delicacies in the world. So look and look some more, as long as you don't touch.

But how realistic is it to set those parameters on a relationship that two ppl intend to stay in forever? "Baby, I wanna be with you until you die. Which hopefully wont be for a good 60 yrs. And in those 60 years, i expect you to ONLY have sex with me, myself, and I. Not including masturbation. Carry on." O_o

It's a great thought. Having the kind of love that sustains any and all temptation. But is it a better thought than being in a relationship where either person can choose to pursue a physical connection with someone else every now and then as long as the act is fully disclosed?? And if you do have some type of physical arrangement that works for you, what do you do when emotions come to play? Some people say physical indiscretions are way easier to forgive and brush off than emotional. So if your life partner emotionally cheats...do you walk away? Even if you want that person with everything in you...

Is it possible to be in love with someone even if you are not emotionally committed to them?

I could go on and on with the questions so i'll stop there and give up the floor.

I'm gay so i have to settle.

I was on the train the other day and I overheard [basically I was earhustling on] a woman and her 2 male friends having a coversation about the current dating scene. Typically, these types of convos are great for entertainment because everyone thinks they're Dr. Phil when everyone is seriously just as confused as the next person. So yeah, comedy. But I didn't do much laughing at this conversation once the woman made this comment:

"Well i kinda gave up on finding the woman of my dreams years ago
once i realized that my standards had to drop below subpar when i started dating women."

O_o

Really? And she said it with a dead straight face and a somber tone. Like that shit made her instantly depressed deep down in her bones. But for why? I dont understand. Someone explain to me why random woman would feel like this??

I'm about as lesbian as one can get. You might not be able to tell it by looking at me [you know ppl swear up and down that all lesbians must be masculine identified in order to be REAL lesbians *sigh*]
But yeah. I'm hella gay. And i',m also probably the pickiest chick you will ever virtually meet. There are certain things you need to have going for you for me to even begin to be interested. No, "picky" does not = shallow. You dont NEED to be ballin out of control, or the prettiest thing in a fitted hat and timbs [altho that is a vice of mine. #confessions Dont judge me] But you do need to have some intellect goin on upstairs. I need to be able to speak candidly with you about things goin on in other countries. I need you to know what's going on when I turn to CNN and not just stare at the screen with a blank stare impatiently waiting for me to turn back to the Kardashians . I need you to do things like...read. Partake in the arts. I am an artist. I need you to be interested in culture, and not necessarily just the one you belong to. And no, you don't need to be a college student just because I am one. But you do need to have goals that will better your life and the life of a potential family. If ANY of this is too much...then you automatically know that you + I aint gonna quite work.

I had these same expectations before I realized I was gay. When did being same-sex loving equate to settling on any and everything? No ma'am. I dont have that kind of time to waste on someone i know wont be able to hold my attention [or my respect if you really wanna keep it real]

So yeah. What's up with the "I'm gay so i gotta settle" argument? Help me out....

Happiness = Fiction ?

I've recently become aware that I have spent the majority of my life buying into false pretenses of happiness. Well, some of them have just been shallow pretenses, others completely false. Examples of shallow happiness are: being happy because someone tells me i'm cute, being happy when someone buys me something, etc. Shallow pretenses of happiness are common and fairly harmless, I guess. It's not necessarily a bad thing to feel some sort of elation when you get a compliment or when you are surprised with a gift. Those things kinda make life a little more sparkly, you know? As long as you don't get entirely wrapped up in seeking those shallow moments out and making them the most important things in the world.... it's okay.

False pretenses, on the other hand, are all bad. They're also the hardest to let go of. An example of a false pretense of happiness is a bit more complex to describe. Think about a relationship that may appear to be healthy and happy from an outsiders perspective. But within the privacy of four walls, the relationship is on the brink of misery but the two ppl involved just dont know how to let go because they are all each other knows and without one another they swear they'll be unhappy. This is such a common false pretense of happiness. Happiness that is dependent on another person. On a lofty desire for a perfect relationship.

For myself, I have been caught up in selfish false happiness. I am the baby in my family. My siblings are 13 and 15 yrs older than me. I was spoiled. I was used to being the center of attention. And I was used to getting my way. This turned into me being a somewhat entitled adult. I thought I should get whatever I wanted, everyone should listen to me, things should go MY way and I should be able to do whatever I wanted to do and not be questioned about shit. My self-centered double-standard perception = happiness to me for the longest of time. You know, the whole ignorance is bliss mindset. Then I reached my early 20's and slowly but surely I was introduced to reality. God only knows how long I would've stayed in that fog of blind selfishness mistaking my vanity, conceit and rudeness as happiness. smh.

So now i've grown past that phase. But that leaves me wondering...what is happiness? How is it achieved? How do we know if its the real thing? Im left wondering if I have ever truly experienced being happy in my own skin. Happy with myself first and foremost. Then happy with my relationship, friendships, professional life, etc. What does it feel like? Is it something that lasts forever once you find it or does it ebb and flow depending on life and circumstance?

I'm a little bit overwhelmed with feeling as if I may never know the extent of my own happiness because I dont even know what i'm looking for....

And that's how you queer Thanksgiving

Holidays just haven't been IT for awhile now. Like...I remember being young and absoultely adoring Thanksgiving and Christmas. Something in the weather and the lights/smells of the season excited the hell outta me. Now i'm grown...and it's just not the same. I cant blame it fully on my age though because I know many adults who go hard for the holidays. But for the last few years (more like the last ten) i havent been too excited. I mean, the food is always somethin to look forward to but its supposed to be about way more than that right?

What about the festivities? Family, friends, being thankful, laughter, jokes, bright lights, singing, cooking, sleeping in or not sleeping at all. What about all of that? I just feel so OUT of it. As if it's all become so routine and blah...sigh

And then last night happened. So my gf and I went to my Uncle's house and it was great seeing everyone. The food was on point of course. [including my bomb ass garlic potatoes] Then we went to a friends house who happens to be one of those adults who live and die for Christmas. Good times. After that I was tired and basically ready to go home and pass out in my typical turkey/mac & cheese food coma. But i still had my own house to make an appearance at. I live in a huge house with 8 other artists/community activists. A few of them got together and cooked a feast and invited a bunch of ppl over and I wouldnt have felt good about myself if I didn't spend some time with them. So I did. And what was gonna be a typical Thanksgiving night turned into a night of imprmptu photo shoots with props, wine, interpretive dancing, AND (the best part) slow dancing/singing to old school 90's slow jams. Nothing but a bunch of lesbians/bisexuals/trans family enjoying one another and being IN the moment. I really enjoyed and needed it.

Let's see how I can slant Christmas and New Years!!

A night of Poetry and Healing...

This past Friday, I and JDX (Jezebel Delilah X), peformed together at this amazing event shown above. If you didn't know, I am in a performance poetry group called Griot Noir. We are three young lesbian women of color who came together in friendship and felt an instant creative connection so we began to make art together in the form of spoken word/story-telling/monologue/song. One of the members of our group was out of town and she was greatly missed but JDX and I really enjoyed doing this event. It was a benefit for The Living Room Project and Our Space. The Living Room project provides accessible and affordable health services, various healing workshops and event space for the LGBT community in the San Francisco bay area. Our Space provides a safespace for LGBT youth up to the age of 24, including counseling, trauma-healing workshops and other mental health services.

I was so honored to be asked to perform at this event, obviously because it's for a phenomenal cause. But also, I really enjoy creating art for and with my LGBT community. I felt so connected to the audience and I feel as if it was a reciprocal experience. I performed a spoken word piece investigating self-love, and the struggle of healing/moving on to a new lover after you have experienced an act of sexual violence. <----wasn't easy to write. But I needed to. It was cathartic for me in a way that only writing and performing can do. I really do love the LGBT community in the bay area. Nothing quite like it.

When the IN fades...

"I am now able to look back on and analyze our relationship from an outside, mental point of view because my heart has no remnants of the IN."

I follow a lot of great LGBT blogs and it never fails that I'm creatively motivated by one thing or another from other bloggers posts. Tonight I came across a post from one of my favorites, My Affinity, which is where I got the above quote. Read it again...and think about that moment in time...that person who you never thought you would ever fall out of that emotionally charged hyper-sensitive chaotic life changing love. Do you remember that? When you were caught up dead in the center of the knot...tangled...turned every which way and didn't know whether you were comin or going. Remember staying up well past midnight losing sleep and mental energy by way of tears and poetry...remember that? When every mention of that person sparked either a smile or a cringe because of a memory too sticky sweet to let go.

That's being IN. You can't really 'do' anything when you're IN. Might as well surrender to it and let it flow however it wants...

But like everything else in the cycle of life, if being IN is not properly nourished, cared for, protected, defended, respected and most importantly, WANTED...it will fade. Even though it feels like the feelings couldn't possibly go anywhere...time has a way of making us look back and say damn...remember when ...????

Have you ever just felt it, that moment when you realize the IN is gone? Usually you can tell when it's starting to turn transparent...but do you ever take note of the exact moment when it's honestly, fully, solidly just no longer? smh. It's a powerful strange reflective moment.

"Time changes things. Time heals all wounds. Time makes a fool out of what we thought we knew..."

BABY KNOWLES SOON TO COME!!!

Okay, so Bey isn't gay but many call her a gay icon and i'd have to agree since 94.5% of her dance routines are birthed in the depths of some sweaty gay night club sooo....yeah. That's why i'm posting this here. lol.

With that said, FINALLY a mini Bedazzled Diva, or a mini Don Hov will grace the world with his or her royal presence in about 7-8 months. So that puts the miraculous day riiiight around April or May of 2012. I approve. Bey knew PRECISELY what she was doin. I know because that's precisely what I plan on doing. Get pregnant towards the end of summer when it's a bit cooler so i wont have to be both ridiculously huge AND hot...the bulk of her pregnancy will be during the winter and fall, leading into a cool breezy spring birth. Beyonce is noone's fool! She said fuck all of yall tryin to pressure her into havin 4875 babies when YALL were ready. She knew WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted and now she's about to have it. Im truly happy for Mr & Mrs. Carter.

And the WAY she announced it!!! Who else gets to just totally interrupt the MTV Video Music Awards with a baby announcement and subsequently stop anyone from giving a hell about ANYthing else that occurs AFTER that announcement?? Beyonce Gisselle Knowles. That's who! Y'all better take notes. Who is gonna pause life when YOU announce your pregnancy? *crickets* mm hmmm. lol. Oh well.

Bets on how many weeks it takes her after she has the baby until she's back into a sequined onesie and 8 inch heels......O_o

Twisted knot of intimacy

A rather astute FB friend of mine posted a status earlier today that simply said "Companionship is NOT the same thing as a relationship." I wholeheartedly agree. That got me thinking though about how intricate [fucked up] situations can become when the lines between friendship/companionship/relationship are blurred whether it be on purpose or an ooops.

I feel like most ppl know the definition of a friend, a lover, and a companion. But just for the hell of it, here you go.

FRIEND: A person who has regard for another by means of platonic affection and interaction.
LOVER: A person who has a sexual and/or romantic relationship with another.
COMPANION: A person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another and feels safe doing so.

These categories seem pretty clear cut on the surface. But uh uh. No ma'am. People start mixin & minglin with different expectations/interpretations and before you know it, some type of drama unravels. I feel like this. You can't have a real friendship without sharing a sense of companionship with that person. You CAN have a romantic relationship without having a sense of companionship...but it sucks big time and that relationship will not last. You CAN have a friend...who is also your lover...but we all know how bad sex usually complicates things. [not BAD sex, just sex in general, whether its good or bad. Although sucky sex can royally mess shit up. But I digress] You can also have a friend who makes a great companion and you would be feelin' them in the lover department, but you're too afraid to take it there so y'all are just stuck in that severely awkward phase where everyone around y'all kinda just stare at you like who the hell are YALL tryin to fool O_0 smh.

It's a lot. Especially when emotional attachments are in the picture, or when you're in a relationship with someone and have really close friendships outside of the relationship and jealousy surfaces from the partner OR from the friends. sigh. It makes my head hurt. I'm thinking that it's not that people don't know what friendship or relationships mean. I think it's the P word that throws things off. So...here's what the dictionary says.

PLATONIC: Free from sensual desire. Void of connections both physical and emotional that are parallel to that of a [healthy] romantic relationship.

Yep. Most people get a massive FAIL when it comes to developing and maintaining strictly platonic friendships. There seems to always be SOMEthing that SOMEone can't refrain from doing that adds an extra layer of intimacy to a friendship that muddies the water. [or makes it more beautiful, depending on who you ask] SO what the hell to do!!?? Do you choose to not have close friends? Do you choose to not have a life partner? Do you have both and just deal with the drama as it comes, oh and it WILL come in one form or another. Do you lock yourself away and tell everyone to fuck themselves cuz aint none of yall shit anyway???

I mean...i'm just sayin.

Sean La'mont: True artists touch

First things first: HAPPY PRIDE!!!! ;) What is everyone getting into this wkend? Im saving all of my energy for Sunday= SF parade & pride celebration during the day, clubbin that night, sleep on Monday :) well, until i have to go to work. Boooo. Anywho, so check it. My gf and I recently went out to Atlanta for a few nights to enjoy friends, family, food, graduations and the club scene of course. What I coulda done without was the 145 degree heat. My cali girl roots copped a serious attitude at that ridiculous Georgia humidity! Y'all Atliens are already quite prepared for hell. But anywho...at one of the club events we attended [i was sober the entire nite, congratulate me!] there was an artist selling hand sketched drawings on 18x24 canvases. My girl saw the artist a few nights before at a previous club event and was so excited at the opportunity for me to see the artwork. I automatically saw why. AMAZING talent. Ridiculous, really. Sean La'Mont is an artist who knows her shit. She paints portraits of celebrities and non-celebrity poses and the attention to detail is on point. My girl bought two canvases, one of MJ (love you Michael!!!) and one of Janet Jackson (my wifey ;) and they are so SO nice. I also got some smaller prints of two women engagin in grown folk activity ;) Mmm hmm. Y'all know I love all things artistic so I had to support this. AND she's fam, so in the spirit of Pride, Pls check out her website http://seanlamont.comand tell me i'm wrong.

OH! I left out the best part. Sean would like to draw my girlfriend and I as her first stud/femme portrait!! *cheesin* You know i'm about to have a billboard of that on the side of my house. lol

No, really tho.

#whomad

PRIDE is in the air and everything smells hella gay!!! *love* The pic below pretty much explains what i'm excited about

shot shot shot shot shot shot

I shall be partyin in SF and Oakland on Sunday June 26, starting around noonish until some illegal ungodly hour of the night. Join me and my sexy lil shot glass!!

Prude vs Rude

So it has been a minute since I blogged about sex. Let's go ahead and end the dry spell and dive right in. I've had a few entertaining conversations with some friends of mine on the topic of how soon is too soon to take it "there" with someone you are dating. "There" is the polite way of saying giving up the ass...or the strap, whichever way you swing it.

Now me personally, I don't have a particular time constraint. You know some women swear by the three month rule (two months if you have $$) . That just seems a bit anal to me. [no pun intended] But I have never and don't plan on ever letting ANYone hit on the first night. Or the second. Or the third. lol. I know the goods are on point and I will make you work for them. So no second week nookie over here. But if i'm kickin it with someone and the vibe is there, and we are both feelin it, and there's a strong connection...i'm not gonna block just because three solid months haven't passed. To me that goes beyond being a prude. It's RUDE. Rude to the person you are making out with only to send home night after night to hump on cold pillows alone, and rude to yourself!!! Please pay close attention here. I AM NOT ADVOCATING BEING A HEAUX. No ma'am. Never that. But come on now. Learn how to loosen up a little bit and enjoy yourself with someone if there's a connection there. Explore your sexuality and let it flow. [Pun intended.] But by all means, be safe and have discretions. Loosening up is not the same as being loose. I will never sleep with anyone who I don't feel is worth it. And by worth it , I mean I can see myself coming back for more, and I can see her being someone I would actually invest time on. Sorry to all of you one night stand advocates. *shrug*

What makes someone a prude? What makes someone a hoe? Talk about it...

Movie Review- The Kids Are Alright *SPOILERS INSIDE*

The above picture is one of the early scenes from the film, The Kids Are Alright.

So um...the kids might be spectacular, but I'm not. The film stars Annette Benning, Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Mia Wasikowska and Josh Hutcherson. May I put emphasis on Annette Benning and Julianne Moore. Two highly regarded actresses whom I have enjoyed in everything they've done because they are extremely picky about the roles they choose.

With this movie, they not only dropped the ball on selecting amazing roles, they completely deflated it. I can't even explain how UGGH i felt after watching this. My partner and I were seriously looking at each other like are they f*&$%g serious!?

So the movie basically went like this. Annette and Julianne (Nic and Jules) are a comfortably middle class lesbian couple who have been together for years. They have each carried one child, a girl and a boy, whom they have raised together. Their daughter, Joni, is the oldest who has just made 18 and their son, Laser, is 16. Laser approaches his sister one night and asks if she has considered "the thing" he talked to her about. She pretty much said uhh yeah and no i dont wanna do it so leave me alone. Laser looks broke and dejected about it and Joni finally gives in and says ILL DO IT DAMN! The mysterious "thing" they're speaking of is Laser's desire for Joni to reach out to their sperm donor. In California, if a donor selects the option to be contacted, the children (is the word begotten? lol. I'll just roll with that) begotten from his sperm can opt to reach out to the sperm donor after their 18th bday. Laser is too young to contact his father so he wants Joni to do it. Joni does.

In comes Paul (Mark Ruffalo). He accepts the kids suggestion to get together. They meet up for a quick lunch and its kinda awkward but they decide they want to be a part of his life. So they tell their mom's about it and a huge happy family dinner is arranged. Hence, that picture at the top. Annete and Julianne, or Nic & Jules, were not exactly doing cartwheels when their kids told them what was up, but they did decide to entertain the idea. The dinner went well, but the first thing I noticed was the unspoken tension between Paul and Jules. He was flirting with her. It was subtle. But it was there. I saw where it was goin and I did not like it.

Oh and it went there. Over and over again. Jules, who was supposed to be committed to and in love with Nic, banged Paul every which way past Tuesday. Many times! *sigh* It all started with her saying "when I look at you i see my kids..." blah. That doesn't even sound right. I look at you and i see my son so that makes me horny. o_O Have a seat Jules. You trollop.

So yeah. She cheats on Nic while Nic continues to welcome Paul into their home, getting to know him, letting the kids get close to him. Smh. Oh and did i mention that Nic and Jules dont have ONE SINGLE adequate sex scene between the two of them?? The movie shows Jules gettin twisted, tossed, and turned by Paul, but her and her wife's sex life is flatlined________________/ Drier than the Sahara. It's just rude. And completely false. I mean, yeah, couples go thru phases where the sex may not move the universe every single time, and it might not happen as much as they would like, but come on now.

I just absolutely hate the fact that the lesbian fell for the scruffy straight douchebag guy and risked her entire family over some dick! *wooosah* Oh and then the way Nic found out about the affair. mmm. Found her wife's hair (which sheds ALOT. She mite wanna have that checked) all up and IN Paul's bedroom and bathroom. Smh. And then she went back in to dinner with the fam CALMLY!! Couldn't have been me. Jules face woulda been shoved right into her plate. Sorry. Forgive me for my temper.

Thematically, the movie was disappointing. The acting was decent but the plot just irked my last nerve. I know people cheat on each other all the time. And yes, some lesbians fall and slip on real penises from time to time. *shrug* But geez. I don't know. It just rubbed me in all the wrong places. I'm chaffed now. I don't like it. Trying to forget it. Blah.