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Keep in mind that this blog is devoted to all things GAY. That means any news, advice, entertainment, literature, reviews, jokes,polls, etc will be completely curved. I might give it to you with no chaser but it definitely wont be STRAIGHT!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Femmes vs. Studs

Okay so I came up with this idea from a response I got on my last post. That's why I love when my readers comment because it keeps the cycle of ideas flowing.

Anyway, so some lesbians don't buy into the whole label thing. I buy into it all day long. I'm a very visually descriptive person, so by nature I tend to categorize people by physicalities, characteristics, style of dress, mannerisms, persona and consistency. (Trust me. Consistency is important.) So the whole stud, femme, stem, aggressive, dom thing works well for me. But that's not the point of this post.

The point is that when I first began to immerse myself in the lifestyle, I was fairly oblivious to what a stud was. I had heard of it in high school, but I wasn't turned on by the thought of a female dressing like a guy. That's all I assumed it added up to. A woman who wants to be a man. So I kinda shyed away from studs and marked them as territory I didn't necesarily feel comfortable with. (my own igonrance, i know) Then slowly but surely, I began meeting studs after I moved to Atlanta and actually took the time to stop being retarded and got to know a few. I picked up on the stud-swag and had to admit it was kinda cute. Up until then, I really wasn't all that attracted to studs. Give me a sexy feminine woman with thick thighs & hips ANY day and i'd be happy ALL day.

Uh...I don't know what happened.

It's like studs started doing some wierd jedi mind warp thing on me and I began noticing them like crazy. I dated my first stud in 2004 and haven't looked back since. lol. Now, I still find other femmes to be beautiful and we can be beneficial friends but I don't think I could go back to dating femmes. Ever. There's just something about the stud/femme dynamic in a relationship that just works for me. Don't ask me what it is cuz i don't know how to explain it but some of y'all get me....right? So do u have a preference or does it really matter at all?

Love of my life


Sei'Lani Britagne said...

Hmm. Gooood Question. I am not fully submerged in the lesbian culture because I am still freshly out the closet. I haven't even had a girlfriend yet. Yes i'm a lesbian virgin.
I found that since I am an agressive and dominant person in relationships that I don't think I will be good in a stud/femme relationship. I guess I'm a femme if labels are based on style of clothing... but i'm rarely ever in heels and dresses.

I am SOMETIMES attracted to studs only if they still look like a female. I'm attracted to femininity not masculinity. And I'm not a fan of labels because I think it puts us lesbians (who are already in a box) into a whole nother box within the our own culture. LIke for me, I don't label myself as anything, but to other lesbians I am called a femme which is why I get hit on more by studs. I typically am drawn to regular everyday girls. the straight looking ones (im a victim of straight girl crushes) and being since I'm a straight looking girl myself it leaves all gay relationships at a stale mate.
So, I don't really have a preference, it's all about how attracted I am and how they make me feel when we are together. I don't think clothes dictate a person but if they identify THEMSELVES as "aggressive" or "stud" i take it to meant that they consider themselves dominant...and two dominants don't work haha.

thanks for the comment on my other blog btw sheszdori.wordpress.com. I your question of pansexuality on there also haha.

Anonymous said...

Your girl looks like someone I know. Seriously, even though it's just a pic from the back.

Anyway, my eyes are whores and they love to look at every attractive woman that walks by. Femme, stud. I'm picturing what they look like with their clothes off.

I've dated femmes and studs and at this point in my life I no longer want femmes in the bed with me. I'm not saying I will always feel this way, but I'd prefer a stud, but it would have to be a very compromising stud...Get what I'm saying?

laura luna said...

now you know I'm a lover of all things boi! The current mujer that's got my attention is what I call grrl/boi, she can rock some girly ish, but still have that swagg (although, she knows what I like so for sure on our skype dates, she's always got on some kind of 'beater A line shirt (SWOON) and damn when she looks at me a certain way (with that Swagg...) DAMN I just melt. So yeah, dating femmes, not for me. I'm all about butch/femme dynamic. Thanks for posting this!


Chanel said...

Sei'lagni- you could be very good in a stud/femme relationship. It just depends on the balancing act between you too. Im a femme too but i also have a dominant personality that isnt easily controlled. But I think im finding a pretty good balance between my controlling streak and being able to let things go sometimes. (my girlfriend might disagree with me tho. lol) Lmao @ straight gitrl crushes. I've never had one! Wierd, I know.

Abrowngirlgonegay- I responded to you about knowing my girl back on your blog :-) I feel u. I think we're on the same level. I just cant get with the femme femme thing anymore. At least not right now. It would be kinda a turn off for me. I'd make a temporary exception for Sanaa Lathan and Ciara! And a compromising stud? yes ma'am;-)

Laura- lmao@ SWOON.

Anonymous said...

I can look at femmes or any fly/beautiful/sexy chick all day long. But when it comes down to it I'd prefer to be in a relationship with a stud, soft-stud, or an AG. Ahhh, there goes those labels.

Anonymous said...

i love my gf...shes the only one I want. femme, stud or whatever she is. i feel in love with her long before I knew what a femme, stud, dom, ag or stem was.

Anonymous said...

I FEEL you! I can't do feminine women...I'll think "ooo those are cute shoes" not "ooo she's hot". I like studs, so yeah it matters. It's the combination of femaleness and masculinity that does it for me.

studwithswag said...

I embrace being a stud and my preference is femmes. I love them in every way, shape and form. I find that I have the best friendships with femmes and the tightest bonds with studs. I am a GQ stud, so that sets me somewhat apart from other studs who embrace the "thug" culture. I am a soft-stud so I'm not sure if that makes a difference... but yes, men still open the door for me ALL THE TIME and I smile, say thank you, and keep on my merry way. Beauty is beauty in my eyes and especially as it relates to women, but a femme will turn my head faster than a stud any day of the week. :) -1-

page said...

Chanel, I stumbled upon your site and found it invigorating and most interesting. Bravo to your genuine and unique exchange of thought regarding the dynamics of the butch/femme enigma.

A response to your post also caught my eye. And it reads:
“I've dated femmes and studs and at this point in my life I no longer want femmes in the bed with me. I'm not saying I will always feel this way, but I'd prefer a stud, but it would have to be a very compromising stud...Get what I'm saying?”

My thoughts regarding the above are this: In the butch/femme culture there is another subculture that startled me…I was aware of it but NEVER considered my self to have a preference for that type of relationships. I call it the “stone syndrome”. Persons with this syndrome are one way…simply put one receives (the stone femme) and the other simply services (the stone butch/stone stud). I feel it is this misconception about STUDS that keeps some femmes/ lesbian women from talking to studs. Now I LOVE a femme! (BTW Looking for a real femme sistha no any…LOL)Their walk, their talk, that sway in their hips, painted lips, the whole shebang! But I want a woman who wants to make love to me, when words can no longer express what we feel and we are simply two souls intertwined in ecstasy… a femme. I am not putting down the stone people, but I definitely believe this is one of many subcultures that goes unspoken.

May I suggest for all the butch/femme enthusiast a few books excellent reading?
The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader by Joan Nestle

And The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall
Timeless struggle of a butch and femme couple to be accepted by "polite" society. This now classic was banned outright upon publication in 1928.
ISBN: 0385416091 /Publisher: Doubleday /Pub. Date: October 1928

The stone definitions while presented below can be found at http://www.butch-femme.com/content.php?23-Gender-Terms-and-Linguistics :

Stone Femme--- Can define a Femme who is sexually untouchable, a Femme who is "very" femme, a Femme top, or a Femme who is partnered with or attracted to very masculine/stone Butches. The way to correctly spell "stone Femme" is with two words. Online usage often runs the words together because early majordomo-based mailing lists required one word titles back in the day.
Stone Butch--- Usually means a hard Butch who prefers not to be touched by a partner sexually at all, or in any way that is feminizing. Stone can also mean "very", as in "very butch" and proud of it. The word "stone Butch" is spelled with two words.

Thanks for letting me post Chanel. The best to you and yours. Jacobyjax

Anonymous said...

Im n a 2 year relationship with a stem(thats what i call a stud fem mix) lol . .when we first got together she was a fem now she stud like im attracted to studs bcuz i like the aggression they know how to handle a girl like me but on the other hand i LOVE fems simply bcuz it aint bothing sexxier than a woman n heels so i like both -----and some people think its wrong for me to like both and idk why its krazii . . . i just love a woman PERIOD ----no ifs ands or buts about it

Anonymous said...

Aprendi mucho

Anonymous said...

how are you?

Just wanted to show my appreciation for your time and hard work

Anonymous said...

Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?

Anonymous said...

Good Afternoon

Great share, thanks for your time

Anonymous said...

Ok well i'm a fem who loves other fems. I guess because I like beng in control. I've only ever dated one stud but i'm not really into them like that. I feel like I clash with studs because we both wanna be in control & i dnt like bein controlled. The hardest part for me is that people say I dont look gay & the ppl who do know usually are studs :(

Anonymous said...

Well im a femme and i love studz, brownskinned and always been known as the girl with a banging shape, i have a cute face and love to dress up. Im sexy! but why is it that soo many studz i kno loce them so clear skinned girls, what about chocolate skinned women we dont get love too?

Jhammie Bell said...

Whats up

Jo Cris said...

I'm from ARUBA, so hearing about this labeling of the masculine woman is a bit harsh to me but also a bit comprehensive since i'm basically a stud. But I haven't get the hang of things when it comes to relationships with femme's or as me and my male buds call them (not to be called a sexist or anything) girly girls.
So all i want to ask is what is it really means be attracted us studs besides physically or how we dress ourself ?

Anonymous said...

I jus came out bout 3yrs ago altho ive secretly was in several bi relationships so I guess I now would consider myself a stem but since coming out ive had tge same 3yr relationship with a complicated stud its more so like being in a relationship with a man our sex life sucks because she wants me to wait to penatrate her but im always the reciver I jus want to give her th ed same pleasure sge gives me and have fun instead of the vasic hetero sex I was having b4 I came out

Anonymous said...

My name is Nat.. And my gf name is Ariana. We been going out for 8 months now. And ima lesbian but she is bi.. Idk if i should let her actually do thibgs to me during sex.. Like.. I want to get pleasured.. Its jus new yo me bc i never had sex with a boy and she has been asking me if she can and telling me she wants to but idkk.. 😞💯 some advice would be nice. Thanks guys. ✌

Anonymous said...

Ok so I guess I am a soft stud. I am dominate I have short unpainted nails and short spiked hair. I do not wear make up or dresses. But I am not a boy. Wouldn't want to be. I am just a grown up tom boy. I have always loved femmes. The point of being a lesbian is being with a woman. Makeup nails hair and dresses turn me on. But I still want a strong woman one with a voice. Tough enough to dominate me yet submissive enough to never try. Except occasionally and I mean occasionally in bed. My opinion is in a relationship be it man and woman man and man or two women there must always be a dominate and submissive partner and that has nothing to do with gender or stud femme. Though studs are typically more dominate by definition. Also I like a girl who will play video games with me and go fishing I just want to be better. Lol 😁

Anonymous said...

Hey im new to dating a lesbian I am currently talking to a stud but I get real nervous because im not use to it but I think she is really I mean really cute I keep thinking about her all the time and also find myself in desire of actually being with her intimately idk am I confused or what is going on help