Presenting San Francisco Gay Pride 2009!!

Ahh...San Francisco. lol. I saw more balls and ass hair yesterday than I have in my entire life. Ew. Solange rocked it out at the main stage. There were soooo many freakin people out there and if one more person tried to squeeze past me in that tight little space, I woulda caught a case.

More Solo in her gay-friendly rainbow cat suit. Loved it. She was dancin in the crowd and the excited girl behind her is my friends daughter. She was shell-shocked like "she touched me she touched me!!".

Floats & such. I told my gf I wanna march in the parade next yr. I think she thought I was playin. lol. I'm not.

Flag flyin high. But rainbow flags on lightposts aren't uncommon in SF. That's why i love the city.

Friends, fun and pride. Good combo! I was hungover like crazy. Not a good look at all.

My beautiful girlfriend. I LOVE this picture! She jus got leid ;-)

Although my club experience on sat nite sucked (I got way too drunk and my face wound up in the toilet. Yes they took a pic and no i wont be sharing it), Sunday was pretty good. It was a beautiful day! How was everyone else's pride??

Let me introduce you to the Cheater...

Okay so I'm really not sure what the hell i'm doing this for because I'm already potentially in a shitload of trouble. Nothing has hit the fan yet, but after this, who knows? But I found it a little too hard to turn down this request made by such a pretty little thing...obviously. That's how I continue to get myself caught up.

So anyway, let me explain myself. I have a girl friend. We've been together for a long ass time. The longest relationship i've ever been in. I love her. And I'm in love with her. No matter what any of you think about me and my situation, no one can tell me that i'm not in love with her because you don't know me. So spare me your judgment. Like I said, I have a girl friend whom I love very much.

And then there's my sideline attraction.

Yeah I have a jump off and no i'm not ashamed. I'm not in love with her at all. I'm more so infatuated with certain parts of her. lol. Y'all get wut i'm sayin. No, my girl doesn't know about her. Fuck no. She would kill me, leave my ass high & dry and never look back. She dont play that shit. A part of me wants to tell her because I would like to explain it how I see it. I really dont want her to find out on her own cuz it'll just be all bad, trust me. So I kinda wish I could sit her down and tell her that this chick is not a threat to her. I fuck her. I deal with her only when I need to get some bullshit off my chest that I dont want to bring home to wifey because I dont wanna put the stress on her. I cant help the physical attraction. I mean shit, I still have eyes. Even though I'm wifed up, my pussy isn't prejudice. It's partial to anything fine as hell with ass and titties. Im human, sue me. But my HEART belongs to one woman and that is my girl friend. I wish she would understand that. But due to her and everyone else bein hung up on all things sexual, i know she wont understand at all...

Sometimes I think im a fucked up individual for it. Because i know my girl thinks im faithful, and I know she's faithful to me. Thinking about how much this would hurt her fucks me all up and I feel like shit. But I gotta be real with myself. I dont know how to stop. Hell I dont even know if its nautral for someone to only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Shit dont sound right to me. But u know what, if I had to make a choice between my girl and some random pussy, i'd choose my girl all day and all night. Maybe thats why I havent said anything to her yet. Cuz it scares me. Its like bein stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my girl and I know shes the last relationship I ever want to be in. But I need sex from someone else occasionally. I cant have my cake and eat it too?? I mean, damn I have friends who are literally carryin on two and three RELATIONSHIPS with other women! All tornup inside and what not. Now thats some shit. Im not even tryin to get all deep like that though. This is strictly physical. That is a little bit better. Right?
I dont know. One day I promise i'll stop the games and just do what I gotta do. But until then...my phone is ringing and I got business to take care of.


This is the final piece of my 3 pt Harsh Reality series. This is not a letter from myself or my girl friend. It's fiction people! lol. Meant to make us think a little harder about our actions and the situations we get ourselves involved in. Take a glimpse into the minds of the The Cheater, The Girlfriend and The Other Woman.

Let me introduce you to The Girl Friend

My name is _______ and i'm wifey. My girl and I have been together for a little over three years now and I love her to death. At first when I was asked to participate in this I wasn't too sure how well it would go over because she's a private person and would prefer for our home life to stay between us, but what the hell. There's nothing wrong with expressing and discussing our love for each other, right?



Like I said, we've been together for a good little minute. So far things are cool. I mean it's been like any other relationship. Ups and downs, times where i'm floatin on cloud 9 and moments where I wanna strangle her. lol. u know, typical stuff. I feel like i've lucked out on a good one though. I've been there done that with other females who were seriously on that bullshit and I told my girl from jump that i'm done with the unnecessary drama. Don't have any time for games any more. She said she was on the same vibe. We've done a fairly good job at bypassing all the craziness, I must say. But lately I have had a few reasons to pause. Haven't said anything to her about it yet because knowing me, it could just be nothin...I dont know. I just kinda feel strange. Like maybe she's pulling away from me. We've gone thru this before, where she or I have something on our minds and we kinda shut down for a day or so. It was nothing to worry about really. But this just feels different. You know when there's just something lingering in the air, like a cross between unspoken tension and extreme awkwardness. Even the silence has been wierd. I feel like she's going through something, or like something is heavily on her mind, but she hasn't come to me about it. I'm not use to that. Im always here for her and she has always been able to come talk to me. So this silent treatment is trippin me out. I just can't really put my finger on it but something is wrong with her.



If there's one thing I hate, she knows I can't stand playing guessing games. Trying to figure out what I could've possibly done wrong or trying to pull info out of her. I'm not her mother and she's not a child. I'm not gonna sit here and force her to talk to me, i'm just sayin. It would be nice if she would. Because I really don't like this feeling. Yeah yeah I know I worry about shit at the drop of a dime even if it's not that big of a deal. But you know. I just wanna make sure nothin is wrong with my baby. Is that a bad thing? I was just talkin to one of my girls and she doesn't think I have anything to trip off of because we're so solid. It's not like she's cheating on me or anything. lol. I agree with her. I really don't wanna make this out to be about anything bigger than what it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn't even say anything....

This is part 2 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 3- The Cheater. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....

If you haven't done so already, click here to check out Pt 1 The Other Woman

Let me introduce you to the Other Woman

My name is ______ but for today's purposes you can call me the Other Woman. Don't try to call me out in public though because trust, i'll flash on you. You don't know me like that, so don't try me. Anyway, I've been asked to give you a run down of what i'm all about. It's an odd request, but hey. No one knows me or my situation like I do so I think I got this.

My first point I need to make is that as the Other Woman, I've mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I don't care about what anyone else has to say, feel or think about what I do. When you're in the position i'm in, you really dont have any room for sensitivity, or even much sensibility if you think about it. I saw what I wanted, and I went for it. Didn't matter what the situation was on her end. I knew I wanted her on my team. So I recruited her. She obliged, so obviously things weren't so great on her end anyway...

We as women have been trained to take no for an answer and to stay in our lane and do as we're told. I say bullshit on that. Despite someone appearing to be off limits, if I think she'll look better on my arm and in between my sheets, i'm going for it. Why not? I can smell unhappiness a mile away. Why would someone wanna stay in an unhappy situation? My thing is I know how to put a smile on someone's face in more ways than one. I do for a woman what their girlfriend at home won't or can't do. And I do it well. If wifey was up on her game, maybe there wouldn't be any room for me. Or maybe their would...

Because you see, all too often people like to put the blame on the one being wronged. Oh she must not have been satisfying her girl. She must have been a bitch to be around. The relationship was already over anyway. Etcetera. But that's not always the case and don't let anyone trick you into believing that the only time you can get your woman snatched away from you is if y'all are fallin apart at the seams. No ma'am. Sometimes the grass just looks greener over here in my part of town. Doesn't mean you're necessarily doing everything wrong. It just means i'm doing at least one thing in particular very right.

Another important piece of information you might need to know is that as the Other Woman, it is not my job to feel bad for the girl friend. So please, ladies, don't come to me crying and begging for your girl friend back, cursing me out and asking me how could I possibly do this to another woman. lol. Maybe because it's been done to me. Because I don't know you from a can of dusty ass paint and even if I do,like I said before i've trained myself to not give a fuck. Your tears mean nothing to me as long as your girl is happy with me and is keeping me how I need to be kept. So spare me.

My last insightful tidbit into my world is that as the Other Woman, i'm virtually free of any obligations. This is helpful for the woman i'm cheating with and for the girl friend at home. If i'm rubbed the wrong way, I can and will make life worse than living hell for everyone involved. I know the range of my power and i'm not afraid of it. Which leads me to ask this question. Knowing just how much trouble I can and will cause if i'm pushed to that limit & not given all that I require, am i really that worth it??? Hmm.

I must be cuz y'all mufuckas keep fallin for me time & time again...

This is part 1 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 2- The Girl Friend. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....

"Being gay is a gift from God"

That's what the good reverend Ed Bacon said yesterday on Oprah's show, Spirituality 101. Oprah and I were both in awe like whaaaaaat? Did a clergymember really just say being gay is a gift from God? Is this a joke? Is it opposite day or sumthin? Like we were really stuck for a second. [O and I :-) ] He didn't really flesh that statement out much besides saying that being born who you are is never a mistake, but he was adamant when he said it and everyone else on the panel agreed with him. Of course my mind began to unpack that bold statement to see what kind of back up he could have possibly used to support his liberating view.

Being gay is a gift from God because:

1. It's a natural form of population control. Two women and two men can not reproduce without any outside help. (duh) Surrogacy or surgical procedures can allow same-sex couples to experience parenthood, but for those who may not have the finances to do so, adoption is usally a go-to method. Adopting children does not add to the already ridiculous population rate, it allows a child the chance to be raised in a stable, loving environment with parents who love them. Sounds like a miracle to me.
2. It gives everyone the chance to figure out what truly makes them happy as a person. Everything is not for everyone. Just because Sally likes Dick doesn't mean Emily will like him too. Maybe Emily is more enticed, refreshed and loved by Steffany. Whatever works for you to make your life the best it can possibly be.
3. God doesn't make mistakes. He made each and every one of us and i'm a firm believer that we are born ASEXUAL with no tendencies towards either sex because we're compeletely innocent & void of sexuality. But when we get a little older (for some its as young as 5, for others its as old as 65.) and start experiencing the world and seeing what we like and dislike, I think our sexual orientation is a natural disposition that God instills in us and sits back to wait for us to find it, figure it out & grow comfortable with it.
4. Gay people are fabulous. We really are some of the most creative, talented, inventive, off the cusp, quirky, detail-oriented, skilled, opinionated, passionate people on earth. I love us.

So yeah. I can see how being gay is most definitely a gift from God. Hearing this made my day yesterday & I hope others jump on this bandwagon because its definitely long overdue.

Getting back to a happy place

I haven't really been inspired to post this week for various reasons. I'm not going thru writers block at all. Quite the opposite. I have lots on my mind that I could write about, but it all feels too personal to me. I know this is my blog and I can steer it any way I see fit, but I didn't necessarily want this spot to turn into my private lesbian soap box, you know? So I think i've come up with a safe post for the day that can incorporate some relevancy for me and possibly something my readers can relate to.



Happy places



I believe our lives are filled with many different facets of function that need attention, TLC & support. Typical categories are career/school goals, intimate relationships, friends & family relationships, and extracurricular activities/hobbies. Sometimes, I am blessed to have a happy balance between all aspects of my life. I live & breathe for those moments. Its a beatiful thing to have a stable job I enjoy, ace all of my classes, have great conections with friends & fam, enjoy abundant writing sessions, all while floating on cloud 69 with my gf.

And then I wake up.

Unfortunately that type of harmony doesn't last very long, at least not in Chanel's world. Most times I can manage a little healthy discord. Give me a B on an assignment and I use it as motivation to bust my ass a little harder. If I have a bad case of writer's block, it usually means I'm overthinking stuff and just need to give myself a break. If my gf & I get into it about something retarded, sometimes it means we just feel like picking on each other, or it's a sign of something deeper we need to fix. Thats all fine & dandy occasionally. But when it starts feeling like the air I breathe is filled with negativity, doubt, hesitancy, frustration, anger, disregard & paranoia...it's time to take a serious timeout.

No one is happy all of the time. It's impossible unless you're on some type of illegal pyschadelic mushroom. So i'm not expecting that. But I do expect to be able to stay on track towards a safe happy place more often than not.

So what to do what to do?? Can you force yourself into a happy place? Or do I have to just sit and wait for it?

Bigger & Better

Good morning & happy Monday! Inspite of it being Monday, it is a beyoutiful day out here in Cali and i'm in a refreshingly good mood. If I can make this last thruout the week i'll be good to go!

So I've been thinking about this blog, and my writing interests and where I wanna go from here. The Rainbow Room has truly turned into something I thoroughly enjoy keeping up and I love the fact that I learn so much by expressing my thoughts and soaking in all of the responses. I brought it up to my gf that since I already own a domain name (blurbsandverbs.com) but haven't done anything with it yet, maybe i'll port this blog over there and throw in a few extra things to make it a more interactive lesbian-geared site. My mind is overflowing with ideas so we'll see what comes of it. I'll keep you updated.

Pride is in the air!

I always get excited around this time of yr because it's all about US and we know how to do big things when the spotlight is turned our way. Despite the ass-backwardness that is Prop 8, I think San Francisco will be on fire this pride season. Not many places top the electricity that runs through the city during pride. Although i'm partial to Atlanta pride (the clubs are HOT), I will say it's still not as vibrant & happy/carefree as SF. I need a dose of vibrance & carefreeness (is that a word?) in my life right now, so i'm excited about doing pride at home this year. I plan on hitting up the parade, the castro, the after-parties and i'll pretty much be drunk the entire weekend. Good times for all! What will u be doing and which pride celebration are you attending?

The Triflin,The HOEmewreckers & the Idiots that let em move in

Abrowngirl and Kiwi's posts on similar topics inspired today's entry. So thank them & go show em some attention :)

The Homewrecker- A 3rd party who moves in on someone else when they damn well know that person is already taken. [not a websters definition but it works] This can be done intentionally (90% of the time) or unintentionally (10%). [not scientific data but it also works] Either way, you're still a homewrecker.

The Triflin- The person in the relationship who "slips" and falls on another woman's strap, finger or face. Oh & lest we not forget that cheating does not have to be physcial. So the Triflin can also be someone who falls in love/lust or any other inappropriate feelings for someone else outside of their relationship.

The Idiot- The one getting played. I hate to be so harsh because the blame should never be entirely on this person but in these situations, if you look back once its all said and done, there were usually always signs of what was going on. If you choose to overlook the signs or if you allow yourself to be blinded by love time & time again, you're an idiot. Plain and simple. Sorry.

I feel as if I can bluntly speak on all of the above because at various points in my not so long of a life, I have played all 3 roles. [hangs head in shame. lol] On my journey of becoming a stronger woman & a better girlfriend, i've been lost in thought about why people do the things we do and how to become an overall better decision maker. Since my relationship has been the catalyst for my change, I figure relationship issues are a good place to start analyzing and finding solutions to the myriad of problems. So let's tackle this cheater/cheatee thing, using myself as an example. Fun times ahead.

Why would someone settle for being a homewrecker?
When i signed up for the job as the other woman, I did so because 1) I liked the drama & adrenaline rush (see:young & stupid), 2) I was fresh out of a dysfunctional situation that was not my fault and thought hey what the hell. Might as well cause some dysfunction of my own, 3)I was flattered someone would be willing to risk ruining their security for lil ole me. and 4) I had nothing else productive to do.
So I went along for the ride filled with back seat trysts, secret texts & phonecalls, illicit meetings and an abundance of lies. I ate it up. I even went as far as meeting the girlfriend, smiling all up & in her face with a halo over my head and a knife behind my back...
Then came the day where I had the lightbulb moment: i'm better than this! So did I remove myself from the situation all together? Nope. I shoved my head even further up my ass and completed the ultimate no-no, I "stole" the girl away from her current relationship and ejected her into my life, expecting her to get a dose of act right overnite. (see: young and even more stupid) Think she took that dose? Hell to the no. She turned around and did the same shady shit to me that she did to her ex. Big surprise there. I cried the blues & cursed the world, promising to never ever get played for a fool again. It may have been a personal setback but I learned a lot from that situation that will indeed keep me from going thru it ever again, trust.

How could someone be so Triflin?
This one is just as simple to answer as any other question if you're ready to be honest with yourself. I just found that honest place within myself over the past few months & i'm ready to share. Yayyy :-) Being the cheater is not a good look. You might think it is while you're caught up in some sideline ass, but trust me, it's not very attractive and the ugliness shows as bright as day. You think you're bein slick and smooth with yours, but someone can & will see it. I've never physically cheated on anyone and i think I may have been too chicken shit in the past to do so. Currently I have no desire to do so because my head is finally on straight. [figuratively speaking] But emotional cheating can be just as painful & it's easy to fall into, even if it wasnt your original plan to do so. People are people and we will do what we are wired to do, mix & mingle and mesh with others who appease our appetites. If we meet someone who piques our interests mentally, how easy & harmless is it to strike up convo and keep it flowing? Very. Talking and befriending is not the problem. Trouble doesn't occur until talking leads to flirting which leads to mixed signals which leads to overstepping boundaries which leads to falling hard for the lure of the grass on the other side. It happens because we let it happen. Cheating is not nature playing its course. Its our decision-making skills at their ass-backward worse. I became emotionally attched to people I shouldnt have because I did not know how to properly section off my boundaries and keep a certain part of myself solely for my partner. I needed the attention from EVERYone in whichever form it came in. I did it because my head was all fucked up, I felt like I could get away with it and because my past was filled with people doing me dirty so why not join em? It caused shitloads of unecessary drama that I'll always regret and if I made smarter choices, I never would've had to endure it. Key point is: It's not hard to make the right decision when you know what your values are & it's in that moment of decision-making that your destiny is shaped.

When am I officially an idiot?
It is tricky at times to distinguish between unwarranted paranoia & genuine intuition. I get em mixed up all the time. lol. But there a few things you know you gotta pause for.

• If you keep having that nagging feeling in the crevices of your soul that sumthin just aint right, and you choose to ignore it. You're an idiot.


• If your significant other can't keep someone elses name out of their mouth that you have never met and you don't push the issue of making that meet up happen sooner than later, you're an idiot. If she's important enough for all this extra attention, then she's important enough to be introduced to you as well.


• If you can't hold on to your significant other's cell phone for ten minutes without them sweating bullets & asking questions & you dont say shit about it, you're an idiot.


• If your partner has to take phone calls "privately" [privacy is anywhere YOU aren't], and you don't find out what the business is, you're an idiot.


• If you've caught & confronted your partner about cheating and ain't shit changing about the situation and you're still there when they get home tonight, you're an idiot.


• If you never open your mouth to express your feelings about whatever it is that's bothering you out of fear of what the other person might do to you, you're an idiot & you're in an abusive relationship.


• If you are OKAY with sharing your partner with the next chick AND you're getting yours on the side too AND everyone involved is happy....you're an idiot

Okay so that's all for Sex & Relationships 101 today. Agree? Disagree? Couldnt care less cuz u didn't have the patience to read it all?

So you say she's just a friend...

Happy Tuesday everyone! Im tryin to be all excited about it & give off positive vibes, but anyone who knows me knows that I truly can not get excited over any day of the week besides the love of my life a.k.a FRIDAY. But still. Happy Tuesday.

So let's talk about friends. I've been making them my entire life. Never really had a problem making and keeping friends when I was younger because I was very friendly, a social butterfly of sorts and kept myself out there like that. Plus everyone just likes me :-) But i'm noticing that as I get older (i'm talkin like 25 is next to death) my readiness to open up and befriend people has dwindled down to very meager levels. I believe there are quite a few reasons for this, including the fact that i'm busy as hell and really have no free time to galavant the streets how I use to. Thats just something I can't help right now. But something I should be able to control but really dont have much of a clue where to start is how to initiate and maintain close friendships while in a serious relationship without letting the green-eyed jealousy bandit rear its head on either side.

I'm a little a lot envious of people who are able to balance friendships and relationships with perfect precision. I've never been good at it. Someone always ends up mad at me. My friends cuz i spend too much time under my gf, or my gf cuz she feels neglected , or worse threatened, by my closeness with my friends. Its just too much. So that led me to kinda drop the friendship ball & I didnt feel too bad about it because my current gf has become one of my best friends anyway! Which is a good thing. The problem arises though when 1 or both people in the relationship start to feel the pressure of always being together, never hanging out with other people, thus experiencing overkill. NOT a good thing. But what do you do now that you're use to having all of someone's attention, and you're use to only having to cater to one person? It's hard to just break habits and jump back into having a social life. lol. It's also close to impossible to be willing and ready to let go of a chunk of your gf's time, space, and opportunity. Yes, i've become a selfish greedy girlfriend hog and I don't know how to stop it :-(

I dont know why, when, where or how this happened. Kinda blind-sided me because i've never been a clingy person. Ever. I never liked being up under any of my significant others 24/7. I use to need my own space to breathe and just do me. I use to really not care about whoever I was with having friends and hanging out without me because I could just go do the same thing. And if I wasn't hanging out with other people, I'd be perfectly fine being by my damn self at home! That Chanel is no longer among us. But someone needs to find her and bring her ass back quick fast and in a hurry cuz this new Chanel is NOT the bizness. I repeat : idontlikeher

Blah.

I just wanna enjoy my relationship, enjoy my girl friend, enjoy other people appropriately, and honestly trust that she can and will do the same without any bull shit and drama on either side from any one. Why is this so hard?