That's the introduction paragraph of a news story over at 365gay.com about the infamous male prostitute lovin minister, Ted Haggard. We all know who he is and all about his X-rated fall from grace, so i'm not even gonna spend anytime hashing up years old news. I just have a question for 1) Ted Haggard's wife, 2) Ted Haggard, and 3) for you, my esteemed reaader: What does "winning the battle against homosexuality" look like?
I've heard all about the Ex-Gay concentration camps equipped with so-called ex-gay counselors ready to shove ex-gay pamphlets (among other things) down your throat all while hooking you up to contraptions set to shock the hell out of your fruity ass every time you dare have an immoral thought. I've seen the Dateline specials, read the websites of ex-gay women and men who have now converted into religious zealots (nut jobs) who swear God called them on the phone and professed them to be free from sin once and for all. I've heard all the tales. But i've never actually seen it happen. I want to know what Ted Haggard was going for here. Did he go through a twelve step program?
12. I promise not to throw crumpled dollar bills at the pool boy every time he walks by the sliding glass door.
11. I promise not to drive alone at night down prostitute row during strong moments of temptation.
10. I promise to stop imagining Tom Cruise sitting in the front row of my church winking at me while i'm giving my sermon.
9. I promise to make love to my wife at least twice a month and if it ever seems impossibly disgusting to me I promise to repeat this to myself ten times "I think I can I think I can I think I can"
And what signs was his wife looking out for? Was she expecting his voice to deepen and for him to grow more chest hair? Would that make him appear to be winning the battle? I really don't understand.
And what, exactly is the battle? I mean, who is he in a fight with? Sounds like his wife is his only opponent standing in the way of him being able to LIVE his life. Ted Haggard needs to get it together. So does Mrs. Haggard. She's hoping for a miracle that ain't ever gonna happen in her lifetime. I don't care how many private investigators she hires to follow him, making sure he never makes a right into the parking lot of Backdoor Barney's Boom Boom Room.
Now i'm well aware of the saying, don't knock it until you try it. But um...1st off, I don't desire to be an ex-gay. And secondly, I think it's all a crock of dog shit and it stinks.