HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 sucked

2011 will swallow ;-)

Do Ask and I Might Tell

And this is just about the hottest picture of Kelly Rowland ever.

Don't Ask Don't Tell is a thing of the shady bigoted homophobic past!! Woooooo! We all know by now that on Dec 18 with a vote of 65 to 31 [31 people still suck] the ban on openly gay servicemembers has finally been repealed, and yes, it was done under the Obama administration. So suck it, bitches. Yeah yeah, I know he needs to do wayyyy more than that to get re-elected in 2012, but uh this is kinda a big deal.

I never quite understood the law anyway. I mean seriously. Did anyone really think NO ONE in the military was gay? Even if u dont ask, they're still gettin it on! SO what's the big damn deal? And not to mention, the name of the stupid law is just rude. DONT ASK DONT TELL. Well okay. But what if I wanna tell you anyway even if you never asked? Or what if you break the law and ask, but I call you a nosey bastard and don't wanna tell?? I still get in trouble!!? smh. It was just all wrong. But it's a done deal now. I wonder how many gays and lesbians are gonna start wearing rainbow bandanas under their helmets. I would...

Guess who started a shiny new blog??!

Me!!

*crickets*

Wutever, i'm excited about it! It's my new relationship, love & sex blog. I decided to start one because I've been clogging up this space with a bunch of relationship stuff and that really wasn't supposed to be the purpose so yeah, check it out. Let me know what u think.

http://notanotherloveblog.blogspot.com

Taking space in a relationship PT. 2

I think this is the 1st time i've ever revisited a blog topic. But i've been inspired by a conversation currently happening over on Facebook, so here it goes. Taking space in a relationship remixed.

So one of my FB friends posted the following as her status: "If u love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

It's a well-known quote that we've all probably heard. When i was young (17 and stupid) I thought this was a romantic concept. "Awww, it's kinda like destiny and, Romeo & Juliet and Hope Floats and fairy tales and the things old school love songs are about." I think I even went as far as testing the idea out by randomly breaking up with someone and waiting to see what would happen a few days later. Smh. But now that I am of age (27 and intelligent) I see that taking space isn't much of a laughing matter. It can make or break a relationship and more importantly, make or break a heart. Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around the concept of taking space. What it means, what it feels like, what the advantages and disadvantages are. It's not an easy pill to swallow, espescially if you're truly in love and want to actively be with the person who needs the space. Through introspection, questioning, reading articles, and digging around in other people's experiences, I expanded my thoughts on taking space and figured that it might actually be of some good. Maybe space is necessary sometimes when situations become too emotionally charged to calmly and clearly sort out together. Maybe space isn't so scary and evil afterall.

The following is a comment from one of my FB friends regarding the above status:

"I just look at it like this....yes everyone needs space but at the same time when it comes down to the person u see a future with (marriage) u can't walk away from problems and take space...u must sort thru them together...maybe take time before talking but leaving and coming back (several times) isn't healthy. That's not being 'meant to be' its being comfortable with being able to leave the problem and return when the time is good...."

Mmm hmm. And with that one insightful comment I was taken all the way back to my initial feelings on taking space: It's all a crock of shit. *sigh* Why must things be so complicated!? I dont know. But now i'm reminded as to why I was so adamantly against taking space. I agree with the above comment. When you are involved in something serious, and i'm talking long-term, possible life-partner type of thing, what does it say about your relationship if you have to leave one another to work out your problems? I think it says a lot. It says hmm we cant even figure shit out with one another without needing to break up. It says something is missing, It says the ability to problem-solve, communicate and move on is not present. It says RED LIGHT. Which we all know means stop. There is something to be said about a couple who can work through, endure and truly get over problems TOGETHER as a unit. It's admirable. It shows strength and growth. It shows that the time invested has not been a complete waste. That is the thing successful relationships/marriages are made of. Tenacity and perseverance to last through the hard shit and come back stronger to enjoy the upswing. This is how I feel in my heart and what I wish could always happen.

But here I am in my own reality, and I see that sometimes things just don't work out like that. Sometimes the problems cut so deep, and last so long that it feels like it's impossible to even look at one another without getting angry, let alone resolve the issue in a civilized manner. SO there you are at that crossroad. Some may think well if it's that bad, maybe it's time to just let the relationship go. Say goodbye and part ways. But when is it ever that easy? And beneath all of the anger, hurt and confusion, what if you know you still LOVE that person? Do you disregard the love and pack away the relationship entirely? You can. Or you can decide to take space. Time away to calm down, think logically, evaluate yourself and the situation and figure out if there's enough there worth holding on to. And if indeed there is, you come back together ready to approach things sensibly and TOGETHER.

I agree with the statement that repeatedly coming in and out of a relationship is not healthy. That=playing games. If anyone i'm with needs to seriously take space from me more than once, that additional space is gonna be permanent. Take all the space you need for the rest of your life without me. But if the space asked for is a one time thing, and if it's used wisely and NOT abused [click here to see my other post on taking space and how it can be abused] then I still have to agree that sometimes it might be the inevitable last resort worth trying.

Thoughts??

Not exactly lesbianish, but still...it's a post.

I, and it seems like the majority of people around me, are doing a lot of self-reflection these days. It's a popular thing to do at this time of the year. Trying to figure out what went wrong over the last twelve months and promise not to make the same mistakes in the new year. The whole new years resolution thing is a bunch of crap to me because they are very rarely stuck to, but ehhh *shrug*, if it's your thing, go for it!!!

As for myself, I want to take some time to think about one of the main things that has helped me make it through 2010 and what I will most definitely carry with me into 2011 and beyond: SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-love, self-esteem, self-security, etc. Different name, same advantages.

Life is a hot sticky unrelenting mess. People are going to bullshit you up and down a wall. You're gonna get your heart smashed into pieces more than once. So-called friends will stab u in the back with rusty knives. Family will take advantage of their positions and will drag you through the gutter. Some days will be long and hectic, some nights will be cold and lonely. Your feelings will get disregarded. Your emotions will be schizo. Your tears will fall and often, no one will be there to help wipe them away. Sleep will sometimes happen, other times, insomnia will be your best friend. Stress is guaranteed. People will come in and out of your life as if you are nothing but a revolving door for their personal abuse. Yeah. Process that. Then realize this:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL HAVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT...IS YOURSELF. I am not saying that you wont have a handful of people in your life who will stick by you through it all. If you're blessed, you will have at least one person. But tomorrow is not promised, and if something happens to that person, you are still left with who???...yourself. If you do not love yourself, why should you expect anyone else to?

We invest so much time in other people. Those who we love and want to have relationships/friendships with. We pour time, effort, hugs & kisses, conversations, gifts, love letters, vacations, tears and laughter into others in order to show how much we care and cherish them. But we treat ourselves like filth by lying to ourselves, depriving ourselves of happiness, staying in horrible situations, punishing ourselves for things we should have BEEN let go of, hanging on to people who mean us nothing but harm, degrading ourselves through actions AND thoughts, subscribing to self-doubt, and carrying the blame for things that will always be outside of our control. We treat ourselves like shit...yet we get angry when other people don't love us how we claim we want to be loved....hmmm

Something is wrong with this picture.

I know that I am not God's gift to the world. But dammit, I have to believe that I'm worth it at least to MYSELF because I gotta live with MYSELF for the rest of my life, and I refuse to be miserable with myself. REPEAT: I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I am not perfect. I have flaws the size of Texas and an attitude problem the length of the Nile. I have hurt people that I care about and will regret it for the rest of my life. I have been hurt by people I loved and will probably always have residue left behind from it. I can be difficult to deal with and I have a long way to go to truly learn the value of selfless and patient love. I know that anyone who decides that I am worth loving, deserves some type of special recognition [oscar nomination, lifetime achievement award, sumthin] BUT I know that I am worth it. I have things to offer that should be appreciated and embraced. I know how to love and I should be loved back. I am the only ME walking this earth and I only have one shot at it so why make the mistake of trying to love everyone else while depriving myself??

The quickest way to fail at every single thing you are trying to succeed at is to attempt it while doubting/hating/discounting yourself.

So, I'm asking you to step outside of your fear and take baby steps down the path of self-love and self-preservation. It will be the single most important journey of your life and it's never too late to start.

Please have a beautifully blessed Christmas and a fun and SAFE New year :-)

Thank you for reading my blog. You don't know how much I appreciate it...

Raising kids in a homophobic society

I grew into my maternal instincts rather late. While old classmates were having babies in their early 20's, I was like ummmm negative. I have too much to do and no time to be shackled by bottles and bibs. I knew I wanted kids, just not when I was 21. But now, I'm 27, and my ovaries are staging a protest. I feel them. Holding little signs, chanting WE WANT BABIES AND WE WANT EM NOW! *sigh*

I guess it is about that time. Approaching 30, just about done with undergrad, on my way to grad school, a lot more mentally stable than I was in my early 20's THANK baby JESUS. So yeah. I want a few little mini-me's. Note: a few. Not a litter. I think I've grown into good mommy material and I know the person I want to have children with is about the most amazing person with kids ever. So we are good on that front. My main concern [outside of trying to explain the process of invitro and surrogacy to my parents] is raising children in this crazy ass world. *triple sigh*

It's hard enough to raise children in a heterosexual home. But for two women, or two men, having a family takes on a whole different slant and it's extremely unfortunate. Behind closed doors, I believe families with same-sex parents can be just as functional or dysfunctional as a family with a mother and a father. If the parents have a strong and healthy bond and know what the hell they are doing, then the children will be raised with as much love and care as any other family. But outside of the walls of the home is where trouble arises. People, adults and other children alike, can be so cruel and ignorant. I can see people's faces now as myself and my partner walk into PTA meetings (I will be at every single one). I can already hear the whispers "are they...no, they aren't...oh my god they are!" smh. I could give a rats ass about the talk personally because I am very good at defending myself. It's my children that I worry about. I can excuse light ridicule from other children towards my kids, because kids will be kids, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. BUT the first time an adult says something ignorant to my babies...i'm goin to jail. I know it. I'm starting my bail money fund next month.

Note to the homophobes of the world: mess with my babies and you get all kinds of f'd up. I'm jus sayin.

I just wish the world was more..I don't know...I hate the word tolerant because I don't feel like i'm doin' anything that needs tolerance. I'm living my life. I just want everyone else to do the same and mind their own business.

Guess I need to prep myself and stock up on blood pressure medication.

On my way to open up a paypal account for that bail fund.....

I jus can't get enough of stud/fem couples *swoon*

So it's not a secret at all how much i love studs. They're it for me. Well, actually only one stud is IT for me, but i'm jus sayin. I love the fem/stud relationship dynamic. Something about a feisty, shit-talking, sweet-smelling, lip-gloss wearin femme and a laid-back, dressed-to-kill, sneakers OR dress shoe wearin, smooth-talkin "i got this, babe" stud....mmmmm. Loves it. Not throwin any shade at all to my femme/femme, stud/stud or lableless couples out there. I see yall :-) I jus have a soft spot for stud/femme love. So let's celebrate it!!!!

Last three pics courtesy of : Black is Beautiful, Gay is Good

Being out and staying sane

Holidays are here, as they are every year around this same time, and that means bomb ass food, holiday parties, cuddle-buddy weather and family! Sounds like good times, right!?

Pffft *eye roll*

Okay so the food is good. Cuddle-buddy weather... ehh, only if u actually have a cuddle buddy worth having. But the FAMILY lawd...the family. Love em to pieces but damn! No one knows how to work a last nerve better than family. Especially when that last nerve is gay and the family is conservativereligiousclosemindedANDstubborn. Let's talk about it.

So I came out to my parents five years ago. They knew I wasn't straight anyway and they knew (and loved) my partner. I felt like i owed them the awkward fireside chat about it. [not exactly how it went but i'll save that for another time] The rest of my family, i kinda feel like I don't owe them anything. lol. Like really. I'm not gonna have that talk with every single member of my family just because we are related. It's unnecessary and it's not happening. They don't march around chanting I'M STRAIGHT AND PROUD so why do i need to wave the rainbow flag at every festive get together?? um..no

But this can make things a little sticky. When I go to above-mentioned holiday get-togethers and I walk in with my partner, those who don't know her just sit there lookin like all damn night. And that gets a bit irritating. Then come the "sneaky" questions. "So is this your best friend?" "Y'all go to school together?" "Have we met her before?" "She looks just like [insert a drunk unce's name here]...is this his daughter??" knowin damn well my girlfriend doesn't look like ANYBODY in our family!! smh. Please stop trying to make us related just because you are uncomfortable with the thought of us NOT bein related, which means we are probably having sex. Yeah. Just stop.

So what do I do about it? If anyone directly asks me, "soooo are yall together?", I'd happily answer YES and probably throw in a hug for their blunt honesty and intelligence it took to put two and two together. But for the other 98% of my family who are just gonna keep fishing all night with that perplexed look on their face, what do I do with them??

*sigh*

Maybe I should hold a townhall meeting for the entire family, make a general announcement:

To all my friends and family by blood or by happenstance, I would just like to take a few seconds to confirm your assumptions and announce my gayness. Yes I am a card-carrying gay agenda having u-haul trucking lesbian who plans on having babies the UNnatural way within the next couple of years and a man wont be within 3 feet of my vajayjay ever again unless he's my gynecologist/obstetrician and even that isn't guaranteed. To all of you who have asked 4887375 times who this is, is this a cousin, is this a classmate, is this a friend from work- SHE is my partner, isnt she sexy? Yeah, I know. Any questions?? No? Okay. Thanks for coming out [no pun intended] and have a lovely day.

Maybe I should. Hmm. Thoughts??

"She's just a friend" and other BS...

So we've all been there done that. Got yourself caught up in drama with your partner because A, you don't know how to hold your liquor B, you don't know how to shut your mouth C, you don't know how to say NO or D, all of the above. I'm not one to throw stones because lord knows my own house is made of glass. BUT i do a little something called "learning from my mistakes" and some things are just not worth the bullshit. Here are a few of those things and phrases to stay far far away from if you are trying to keep a happy home (happy = someone not goin upside your head with a hard object)

"She's just a friend" - Negative. If she was, you wouldn't have any reason to say so. Spare yourself and your partner the waste of time and re-evaluate the friendship. If it's something you can fix, fix it. If not, it's either your friend or your partner. Make your decision, stick to it and move on with life.

Deleting text messages and phone records- Unless you know how to tap into your wireless carrier's online site, you can delete from your phone all you want, the evidence of your late night convos will still be readily available online. Especially if you have T-mobile :-)

Forgetting bdays & anniversaries- Um isnt that one reason why you're around anyway?! Lock it into your phone, set an alarm, circle the calendar, program it into your computer, SOMEthing. Technology is far too advanced to forget things like this. Hell, order the flowers months early if u have to, then u can forget about it with no worries.

Forgetting your manners- Thank you, I appreciate it, No one does it better, Mmmm i've been waiting for this all day...just a few simple words to show that you aren't taking your partner for granted. When you start leaving these sentiments out, it's a sign that a rift is developing. Stop it.

Calling your partner by someone else's name- 0_o Do i really need to explain why this is a no no? And it doesn't matter whether it's during sex or not. I don't care if all we are doin is shopping for garbage bags, if you call me by another woman's name, it means she's on your mind and not me. So how about u go clear your mind and return when you're ready? K, thanx, bye.

Spending too much time with the homies/girls - Friends are good. No, friends are great. They make the world go around. But when your partner feels like you'd rather be with your friends than spending q-time with her, nothing good can come from it. And if u truly feel like that...uh...it might be about that time for a little relationship analysis.

Not spending ANY time with friends- on the flip, spending too much time with your partner can have adverse affects also. What's the saying?? Too much of anything is jus too damn much?! Okay, so that's not the saying, but u get me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is a real one :-) And it's usually the truth. Usually. So take time apart sometimes and give yourself a chance to miss one another.

Drunk texting- lol. I use to have this so bad. smh. Even if you're single, this can be annoying cuz who wants to sit up and text u when all your messages look like : Hiii kjj I jfh miss u! Fukkkd up ritee noow heee heee!! no one. But it's even worse if you're partnered and u lose your inhibitions after a few drinks and start sending suggestive (god forbid x-rated) txts to random people. If u know you're gonna throw a few back, hide your phone from yourself. Give it to a trusted friend. Just try to forget about the phone for the night and enjoy yourself...safely.

"See what had happened was..." - uh uh. That line is so played, I can't even remember the last time anyone intelligent actually fell for it. If you have an excuse for something, first, make it a good one, and second, never EVER begin with see what had happened was. Automatically guilty. Even if you're innocent. *shrug*

"Oh I was sleep" - See above. Just as lame of an excuse. It's also the hardest to prove as a lie so it might seem like its a good one to hide behind. But if it's mid day and your partner is trying to reach you and all u have to say...every single time...is that u were sleep...unless your on meds that make u drowsy, u might wanna prep yourself for some shit cuz that excuse gets old, fast. There's not enough sleep in the world.


And the list can go on and on but that's all i got for now!! :-)