Lesbian of color RANT

Ok, so I live in the San Francisco Bay area. Not IN San Fran, but i can hop on Bart (Bay Area Rapid Transportation for those of you not in the know) and be there in less than an hr. I make that trip quite often cuz I love the city.

But, sadly, i'm beginning to feel as if the city doesn't love me back quite as much. When I tell people that there isn't much for a lesbian to do in the bay area they look at me as if my head is spinning on an axis. "You live near San Francisco! Hellooo! It's like gay utopia! How much gayer can you possibly get?!"

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't say there isnt much for lesbians in general to do, because there's always something, I guess. But for lesbians of color...mmm, not so much. It really sucks. I mean we're out here in swarms! Oakland (San Francisco's next door neighbor) is filled with black and hispanic lesbian's but it's as if we don't exist. And I don't mean to sound as if I want a distinct barrier between non-women of color events, and qwoc events. I dont. I love socializing with all races. But it is a little disheartnening to not have any venue where I can be surrounded with strong, fun, intelligent lesbians of color, unless its a night club. And even those have dwindled down to crap! I want neo-soul spoken word poetry slams, divas of color variety shows, HOT club scenes, social groups, political platforms for qwoc, etc. There's so much potential here it's shameful to not take advantage of it ( us ).

I can't blame it all on the bay though. It's up to the community to come together and do something. I've noticed that things tend to start up and everyone will be all hyped about it for a few months and then slowly but surely i'll be like "hey whatever happened to such and such..." Nothing lasts. Everything that even resembles a great space for qwoc falls victim to a lack of publicity, lack of support, or a general loss of interest. Once again, it sucks. I'm gonna try my hardest to come up with the best blueprint for a lesbian women of color scene that I can shop around and see who wants to jump on board. Hopefully it takes off and we start getting some representation, cuz um....i'm sick of this shit!!

;-)

L Word rant- I will kill Jenny myself

This is what I looked like by the end of last nights episode

I dont even know where to begin so i'll just jump right on in and say that if Jenny was anywhere within my reach, my hands would be wrapped around her throat. Those of you who read my other post on the L Word will remember that I didn't too much care for her to begin with. After last night, i'm so through with her it's not even remotely funny and I now fully believe that it will be either Bette, Alice or myself if I can somehow warp myself into the TV, who finally kills her.

I just wanna know two things about last night's show.

1) Why did Bette let Jessie into her house in the first place? and

2) Why can't Jenny mind her own damn business? Seems like she should have a lot to worry about, with everyone hating her and all.

Let me say that I am very VERY proud of Ms. Bette Porter for being on her Ps and Qs and not giving in to Jessie's "I'm just trying to cash in my coupon" ploy. She pretty much told her to shove the coupon where the sun is scared to shine 'cuz the shit EXPIRED years ago and she's now happily in love and faithful to Tina (finally). Kudos Bette because I know it wasn't easy. BUT why oh WHY did u even have to let the scandalous hoe into your house at all??!! This is how it shoulda played out:

Here comes Jessie (Yeah I know her name isn't Jessie in this show but she'll always be frizzy hair Jessie from Saved By The Bell to me) anyway, here comes Jessie drunk as hell, stumbling up to Bette's front door with a bottle of champagne.

Bette: Kelly what are you doing here?

Jessie/Kelly: I'm soooo happy for us tonight! I just wanted to celebrate with you!

Bette: (looks at watch) Oh mm hmm, okay, well it's a little late, and i'm tired, plus Tina might be calling me in a few so let's maybe get together tomorrow or something.

Jessie/Kelly: (pouting) No Bette, tonight is our night! The opening was so great and everyone loved it and blah blah blah blah

Bette: I know. I was there. I'm tired. You're drunk and I got shit to do. Ok? We work together Kelly, so we'll see each other tomorrow. Goodnight.

Bette closes door and proceeds to NOT get herself in any trouble whatsoever. Yayyyy.

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. And now Jenny thinks she caught Bette eating this woman out on the kitchen table when Bette was really just helping her pick up broken glass after the clumsy chick dropped it. Jenny is over there snappin pics from her window like the psycho stalker she really is and yes, the pics look very incriminating but the fact of the matter remains, Bette is INNOCENT, Jessie is a SLUT and Jenny is a NUT. *sigh* Now Tina is gonna come home and the shit is gonna hit the fan.

I hope someone smears it all over Jenny's face. Nosy ass. What Bette needs to do is hopefully not empty her trash can with the broken glass pieces, show this to Tina as evidence after Jenny rats on her, drag Jessie's triflin self to the house and let Tina question her, and then proceed to knock Jenny in her throat.

Bam. End of season.

Learning to live, love and laugh as a lesbian

[I was inspired by another great blogger to post my story. I hope someone can relate to it & find some sense of comfort or encouragement within it.]

It's not easily explained, the feeling that washes over you the first time you're turned on by someone of your same sex.

Let me backtrack a little. Maybe it's not proper to say 'turned on' because in my case, I was in pre-school the first time I kissed a girl and liked it. I doubt I was turned on seeing as how I didn't know what being turned on meant. Or maybe I was and just didn't know how to explain it. Whatever the case was, whenever 'P' (yes I remember her name) and I played house and snuggled up next to each other in her cot, I loved it. She was my best friend, we were protective of each other and it just felt right. I didn't get that same sense of comfort from the little boys attempting to chase me around the play ground or trick me into playing doctor with them. Yes, I snuck into corners with them to look/poke at body parts out of curiosity (dont act like you didn't) but I was more grossed out than intrigued. Call it premonition.

I was born into a heavily religious family. My father, a pastor, was ordained into the ministry when he was 12 years old. He's now a Bishop and has been preaching for over 45 years. My mom was raised in the church and has been at my father's side for 41 years. They are not perfect. But living in a household with two loving parents who do not drink alcohol, smoke, curse, cheat on each other (as far as I know), or any thing else that most "normal" people get caught up in...I had tons of pressure on my shoulders. I was blessed to have such a stable family unit, but damn if it wasn't hard to live up to at times, ya know?

Anyway, so yeah. I was in church 3 nights out of the week, and bright and early on Sunday. I sang in the choir, I attended bible study, I taught sunday school. Church was a huge part of my life. Everywhere I turned, strong, religious heterosexual beliefs surrounded me and I never felt as if I had any other choice but to fall in line. And that I did. Jr. High was fairly easy. I didn't focus much on either sex. I got A's in school and had a bunch of giggly best friends who sat around all day and talked about boys. By then, the yuck-factor of boys was wearing off and I tapped into my attraction for them. I was never boy-crazy, but there were a few who caught my attention. But still, I had this one friend (girl) who I thought about wayyyy more than any of the guys I claimed to be crushing on. There was just something about her. I couldn't explain it. At times I was ashamed of it and hoped she never picked up on my thoughts about her. There's nothing worse then knowing there's something going on in your mind that you can not control because it's natural, but it makes you feel dirty and ashamed because you've been taught that those type of thoughts are bad enough to send you straight to hell.

High school was an interesting journey. I thought about girls every single day. Who was cute, who had a nice body, who I thought could possibly be closeted bi or les. Through sly looks and quick head turns, I definitely paid attention to the female student body. Pun intended. But while I was wondering/pondering/fantasizing about women, I was dating guys. On the outside, I was straight as possible. Talked about men with my clique, hung pictures of Usher and Ginuwine in my locker (Ha), stressed over this guy and that guy, fell in "love/lust", fell out of "love" and then back in "love"...with men. My parents and family saw nothing wrong. I appeared normal to my friends. I wasn't disappointing or hurting anyone. You can say I was content. But that's a far cry away from being HAPPY. There was still that something.

I never questioned whether or not I was straight. I felt like hey, I was capable of being in relationships with men, so i'm fine. Right? Just roll with it. Fake it til you make it. Yeah. I can put up a facade all I want and fake it for everyone in the world, but it's a tad bit harder to prank yourself. Especially when you've encountered another girl who shares your same thoughts, feelings, and desires. There's nothing quite like that first time you say the words out loud to someone else. "I think I might like girls." It's like stepping out of a violent rainstorm into a warm beam of sunlight. But it only lasted a minute, because, of course that revealing statement was quickly followed with "But I mean, I haven't done anything with a girl yet. I don't know if I really could. And of course I still like guys way more."

ha.

So I downplayed my inner struggle. I was never suicidal. I didn't cry myself to sleep at night every night. Once in awhile, yes. But not every night. I didn't have this desire to come out to anyone. I didn't even know what I would becoming out about. I mean, I was still dating guys!! I was "NORMAL". And my parents were still happy as clams with their lovely college-bound daughter who dated men. If they were satisfied, who was I to rock the boat? But dammit all to hell if love didn't have other plans for me...

Once you fall in love with someone of the same sex for the first time, I swear there's no going back. No do overs. You can't hit pause and erase the occurance . It's there and you'll feel it. the more you fight not to feel, the harder it hits. And the harder it hits, the easier you bruise, and with each "bruise", it becomes harder and harder to hide.

Here come the lies: "Mom, we're just friends. You know that. What's wrong with you?" "What gay book? It's not mine! I don't know what you're talking about." "Porn!!! With women in it? Eww. [Insert random guy name here] must have brought it over here with him and left it by mistake." "Helll no, I don't swing that way! So don't even play like that." "I was not talking to a girl! Are you deaf?. And why you all up in my phone conversation anyway?" Etc...

And then came the hundreds of lies on top of the first wave of lies. I sacrificed my word, my honesty, my respect, and my personal happiness to keep my life a secret from the people I cared about the most. All in the name of fear and self-loathing. How could I ever even think of hurting my parents like this? They've done everything to give me a great childhood. They taught me right from wrong. They loved me, and they taught me that God's love is mightier than anything and the closer I am to him, the more peace I will have in life.....

And that realization is what allowed me to take baby steps towards my genuine self. When I thought about the things I was scared to death of: my friends disliking me because i'm gay, my parents being disappointed in me because i'm gay, being stared at by random strangers on the street because i'm gay. I finally realized that none of this mattered because the one person who would love me unconditionally for who I am because He made me....He would always be there. I would never be alone, and I would never be left to fight my own battles because my life has already been carefully mapped out and i'm merely going along for the ride. So why not enjoy it being HAPPY.

I'm still on this journey towards being 100% comfortable in my own skin. I still need to allow myself the oportunity and the freedom of walking into my workplace as an openly proud lesbian. It's not an overnight process. And I often wonder if i'm truly obligated to tell everyone my personal business anyway. (thinking hard about that one) But I can say that those people I was once worried about losing,my friends and my parents, know me for me now and they are still here. They still love me and it's no different from how they loved me before. I live my life as a lesbian. (with the best girlfriend ever) I love my life as a lesbian. I laugh at life as a lesbian. I'm beginning to know what true inner peace feels like, and I love it.

Tats & piercings! Love em/Hate em? Couldn't care less?

My favorite piercing

Showing off my labret. i miss it!!!!!!

Ahhhh the art of body modification. The practice has been around for many moons and it's safe to say that even in the midst of this horrible recession, people being laid off left and right, corporations going bankrupt and benefits slashed...tattoo parlors and the skilled artists within them aren't going anywhere. (*maybe i'm in the wrong field*)

I'm a tattoo & piercing feign. 2 holes in each ear (I want a 3rd but out of all my piercings my ear hurt like a b*tch!), 1 eyebrow ring, 1 tongue ring, had my labret pierced but it slipped out and closed :-( , 4 tats and hopefully 2 more on the way. I got my first body piercing when I was 18, first tat when I was 19 and haven't stopped since. I think when they're skillfully done, placed in the right spot and mean something personally to you, they are a beautiful form of self-expression. All four of my tats are pretty well-hidden except for the one on my inner wrist, so my love for body art hasn't hindered my progress in the professional world at all....yet. I'm fully aware that there might come a day where i'll have to retire my beloved eyebrow ring for a 6 figure high power job, but i'm holding out on the dream of writing and selling thousands of copies of my novel first, thus being SELF-employed :-)

So what do you think of tats and piercings in relativity to the work and school place? Are they eye sores or works of art??

Wierd, but it's pretty damn cool.

Foot tats... painful but i love em. I have a pride tat on my left foot.

WOW. Now that's obsession dedication.


Hmmm....

The best tattoo EVER! :-) Yes i'm biased.

The couples guide to FLIRTING. Is it ok...or off limits?

4 simple questions here. I'll throw in my 50 cents, you kindly donate your 2 quarters, and maybe we can come up with a whole dollar somewhere in between. K?


1.What, exactly, is flirting?
2.Are there varying stages of flirting?
3.Is it ok to to flirt when you have a significant other?
4.Is flirting ever truly harmless?

Webster's definitions of flirting are:
To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures towards someone.
To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially with a person or a thing (to flirt with danger)
To move abruptly or jerkily.

I can deal with these definitons. The last one isn't relevant for the purpose of this post so scratch it. The first two cover the bases pretty well. To put it in my own words, to flirt is to 1)interact playfully and suggestive towards someone you are sexually attracted to or 2)to tease/play/joke with someone or with an idea that you aren't necessarily taking seriously.

So that's flirting.

In my little world, there are varying stages of flirting, all depending on your intent behind the act. If i'm flirting with the guy selling me a $95.00 pair of shoes because I think he'll knock off 15 percent for me, I probably won't be laying it on too terribly thick. A lot of smiling, direct eye contact, extra friendly chit chat and maybe leaning towards him (or her:) over the counter and there you have it. Basic stuff. If i'm flirting with a girl I see standing outside the (insert public place here) because I think she's cute and I want her to kick some game, i'll step it up a bit. More suggestive and direct. If i'm at the club and i'm trying to get some ass from a particular person (doesn't happen cuz I typically go to the club WITH the person i'm already gettin some ass from) I'd probably go all out and if she can't tell what my intentions are, she must be special ed.

So yeah, there are varying degrees of flirtiness.

Is it ok to flirt if you're already with someone?? Ok look. Flirting is natural. It's gonna happen. Whether u do it on purpose or if its just a part of who you are, you are going to flirt. Some people tend to mix flirting with being "friendly" and to me, they have nothing to do with one another. The person who says "I'm just friendly!", can usually be translated into "I flirt with every damn body!" I can smile at someone and show myself friendly to random people without smiling and showing myself interested. Granted, it doesn't happen often cuz im just not that nice of a person. lol.

And lastly, to me (and how my girl put it last night), flirting with anyone outside of your relationship is harmless only when it isn't hurting or being disrespectful of your partner. I'll add to that by saying it's also non-harmless only if the object of your flirtation does not take it or you too seriously, and as long as it isnt happening every single time you step outside.

SO there you have it. My .50 deposit. Where's yours?? Agree? Disagree? Could care less?

*This blog is cross posted at my other spot.*

Caution: Random Gay Rant ahead.

So it's been a few days since I posted at the Rainbow Room. I've been highly motivated over at my other space that i'll shamelessly pimp out--->> http://www.remarkablychanel.blogspot.com/ <<-- But I just haven't been struck with anything gay to write about lately. Until now. A few minutes ago I started wandering around other blogs, clicking here and there. Laughing at the hilarity of a few posts. Staring blankly at the screen at others. Then I came across a gem. Now due to the fact that i'm seriously about to shred the post to death, I will leave this woman's identity unknown...for now. (check back later. I might be led to bust her out.) This is the quote from her blog that got my mentals flowin:

I feel like it’s so easy for a gay girl to decide she wants to be straight again. I mean she has the same body parts as I do. I know I see a fine ass man and i'm dripping. What's stopping her from doing the same over MY man? I'm suppose to trust her being best friends with him just because she's gay and she's a stud? Whatever a stud is. I think not. For all I know, lesbianism is something convenient to put on when you're in between men, and easily taken off once you've found a man who is into you.

Uh huh. Where shall I begin? 1st, allow me to further explain that this post was about her not having trust for her guy friend of 10 months, and she wants help on how to gain some. So I have all kinds of problems with this.

First off, if the trust problem is with the boyfriend, why hate on the gay best friend? I'm thinkin there's a little jealousy and insecurity goin on there that she may wanna dig deep into her own closet to sort out. It's unhealthy.

Secondly, WTF is the problem? Okay now I understand that some straight women find it hard to comprehend how a woman can desire another sexy woman, and not give but three shits about an attractive man. I get it. You're not a lesbian. You're not bi. You're not even curious. (yea ok) So you wouldn't understand the biased attraction. But to believe that my sexuality is something I can discard like a wet jacket and hang up to dry until winter season comes back around is 1)insulting, 2)RUDE and 3)wrong. Yes, there are some flip floppy sometimey fickle any way the wind blow lesbians running around accidentally slippin and falling on top of penises, who give real lesbians bad reps, but come on now. Don't get it twisted. Just because she "drips" everytime she sees a cute man doesn't mean every other woman will. ESPECIALLY IF THE WOMAN IS GAY! And she might wanna get that leakage problem checked out cuz there might be something abnormal about that.

It is a wide misconception common amongst heterosexual men AND (as seen here) women that lesbians are merely confused. You know the line, "All you need is one hit of this d*ck right here and you won't be gay no mo".

*sigh*

It's beyond irritating to know that there are men out there who truly believe that their sex is great god almighty enough to "cure my gayness." It sucks. It really does. I hate to break it to 'em but um...helllooo I once was straight. And I once had sex exclusively with men. (many many moons ago) And im now 152% lesbian and want nothing to do with them. What the hell does that tell you? Magic stick it ain't. And to little Ms. every woman wants my man so i cant let him have a lesbian friend.... get over yourself, and do it fast. If she's gay, she don't want your dusty crusty man. (she might be checkin for you though) And if she's not gay...well hey. Maybe it's meant for you to lose him to her cuz obviously the relationship isnt that great to begin with.

I swear, the ignorance of people kills me.

Lesbian relationships really aren't that much different...

So in my little world, I have observed that it's not too much more difficult being a lesbian involved in a long term relationship than being a straight woman involved in a long term relationship. I've been on both sides of the fence and both situations can make for good times. Both can also work your last damn nerve. A relationship is a relationship, whether it's two women, a man and a woman, etc., and some things just aren't that much different no matter which team you're batting for. For instance:

* Every couple argues. I don't care if you're in a relationship with Yoda. You two are gonna argue. The difference is how we argue. When two women argue, both parties are usually able to conjure up fairly decent evidence/excuses/explanations on why their side is the best side. When and a man and a woman argue, the man is usually left sounding like a idiot. "Well uh..uh...I-I-I, well she...and then you, I mean it wasn't even..., we didn't-..see what had happened was..."

* Every couple goes through the apology phase. Lesbian couples dig themselves deep into some serious shit and have to do the same shoveling that heterosexual couples do once they've landed themselves knee deep in the pile. The difference is how we shovel. Two women will usually come together (after not speaking to each other for a day or so) and have 3 hour long sessions on what went wrong, why it went wrong, where it started going wrong, who went wrong first, why didn't the other person stop it from going any further, how can we prevent it from happening again, and then come up with some sort of "treatment" to try out for the next few months to make sure everything is really okay. Men involved in hetero relationships will talk things through but it wont be as deep of a conversation and it for damn sure won't last three hours. 45 minutes at best and that's only if he thinks he's getting some ass after. He might buy flowers. He might take her out to dinner and give her a massage. And bam. His problems are over and he expects hers to be too.

*Every couple has sex. Well, at least every couple who is capable of having sex should be having sex. Lesbian couples....hmmm. How can I put this without turning this blog into something I have to make an 18 or older post? Let's just say that we tend to get the job alllllll the way done, and then some. Most of our sessions are just that. Sessions. Rounds. Levels. Stages. It kinda unfolds like a movie. Or better yet, a book. Cuz books are more thorough and usually way better than the movie :-) Don't get me wrong though, we know how to have mini-episodes too. But trust that those mini's are still cause for a standing ovation. Heterosexual couples can have really great sex too. It's just that I hear more complaints coming from that side than the other. "Ten minutes girl. Ten damn minutes. What can he do in ten minutes that I can't do to my self?" "Four inches girl. Four damn inches!!! What can I do wit anything that's four inches long besides light it and smoke it?" "I mean yeah he went down there but it's like he thought it would bite him or sumthin. Maybe he's just shy." You get my point. Now fellas don't get mad at me, and ladies who are with men who know how to put it down, GOOD JOB & i'm happy for you. Im jus sayin though....

*Every couple eventually moves in together once it has reached that phase. The difference is how we act after the cohabitation begins. Most women know how to clean and cook. I say most cuz some of y'all barely know how to boil water without burning a pot. But typically, if you have two women living together, meals will be cooked as scheduled, laundry will get done by both parties, toilets will get cleaned before they become a breathing hazard and any mysterious foul odors will be stressed about until they're febreezed/lysol'd/incensed/poutporried out. In a hetero couple, the women are usually left to the matters of keeping a clean house. This means when his boxers and sweaty onion smelling tshirts pile up in the corner every two weeks funky enough to make your throat close up every time you walk by, guess who will usually break down and toss a load in the wash first? When the refrigerator and the cabinets are empty as hell and he is lookin at you like babe what's for dinner but haven't even thought of swinging by Safeway to pick something up and maybe cook it for once...who is gonna have to twinkle her nose and turn into Betty Crocker? Mmm hmm. Now i'm not sayin that all men are filthy nasty dirt bombs. Some men are really good at keeping things clean, and some men actually like to cook!!!! But if you have one who doesn't do any of the above...you're in for some serious slave labor my friend and it won't be pretty.

So see. Like I said in the beginning. No matter what type of relationship you're in, you can pretty much expect the same stuff either way. Lesbian relationships don't exist on this alter-level of alien interaction or anything. It's just a relationship. We fight,love,cry,scream,lie,laugh,clean,cook,and fuck just like everyone else....we just do it all better ; -)

Ru Pauls Drag Race & the famous Donor List

Okay so I don't usually two-prong it but i'm choc-full of material today. First, allow me to begin with this...

Ru Paul is seriously the baddest wannabe-bitch on this side of heaven...probably on the other side too. The hair is fly (courtesy of lace fronts), the make up is banging (courtesy of MAC) and Ru's personality is unbeatable. With that said, I hope she doesn't expect to find anyone even CLOSE to filling her shoes on her new reality show, Ru Paul's Drag Race.

The show premiered last night (along with Ray Js new reality show. Check my other blog for that one.) and it will be my new must see tv. The contestants are a hot mess for the most part (excluding Akashia, Rebecca Glasscock and Shannel) and it's just gonna be pure entertainment watching them battle it out tooth and acrylic nail for the title. I, personally, already have my favorite (goooo Shannel!)...but Ru might have other things in mind.

**Scroll back up and look at that first picture...now think of some of the video hoes *ahem* I mean video artistic contribtuors running around thinkin they're the flyest things in a g-string. Now compare em side to side. Who's badder? Damn shame aint it? lol.**

Okay, moving on to less flashy news. The Prop 8 donor list is slowly but surely being revealed. Google it. Then print it, get out your highlighters and start word searching cuz I for damn sure will stop any and all interaction with any businesses that I see on there who feel as if I do not deserve to marry my girlfriend. See how much they'll be kissin my gay ass when the lgbt community goes on strike!