Taking space in a relationship PT. 2

I think this is the 1st time i've ever revisited a blog topic. But i've been inspired by a conversation currently happening over on Facebook, so here it goes. Taking space in a relationship remixed.

So one of my FB friends posted the following as her status: "If u love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

It's a well-known quote that we've all probably heard. When i was young (17 and stupid) I thought this was a romantic concept. "Awww, it's kinda like destiny and, Romeo & Juliet and Hope Floats and fairy tales and the things old school love songs are about." I think I even went as far as testing the idea out by randomly breaking up with someone and waiting to see what would happen a few days later. Smh. But now that I am of age (27 and intelligent) I see that taking space isn't much of a laughing matter. It can make or break a relationship and more importantly, make or break a heart. Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around the concept of taking space. What it means, what it feels like, what the advantages and disadvantages are. It's not an easy pill to swallow, espescially if you're truly in love and want to actively be with the person who needs the space. Through introspection, questioning, reading articles, and digging around in other people's experiences, I expanded my thoughts on taking space and figured that it might actually be of some good. Maybe space is necessary sometimes when situations become too emotionally charged to calmly and clearly sort out together. Maybe space isn't so scary and evil afterall.

The following is a comment from one of my FB friends regarding the above status:

"I just look at it like this....yes everyone needs space but at the same time when it comes down to the person u see a future with (marriage) u can't walk away from problems and take space...u must sort thru them together...maybe take time before talking but leaving and coming back (several times) isn't healthy. That's not being 'meant to be' its being comfortable with being able to leave the problem and return when the time is good...."

Mmm hmm. And with that one insightful comment I was taken all the way back to my initial feelings on taking space: It's all a crock of shit. *sigh* Why must things be so complicated!? I dont know. But now i'm reminded as to why I was so adamantly against taking space. I agree with the above comment. When you are involved in something serious, and i'm talking long-term, possible life-partner type of thing, what does it say about your relationship if you have to leave one another to work out your problems? I think it says a lot. It says hmm we cant even figure shit out with one another without needing to break up. It says something is missing, It says the ability to problem-solve, communicate and move on is not present. It says RED LIGHT. Which we all know means stop. There is something to be said about a couple who can work through, endure and truly get over problems TOGETHER as a unit. It's admirable. It shows strength and growth. It shows that the time invested has not been a complete waste. That is the thing successful relationships/marriages are made of. Tenacity and perseverance to last through the hard shit and come back stronger to enjoy the upswing. This is how I feel in my heart and what I wish could always happen.

But here I am in my own reality, and I see that sometimes things just don't work out like that. Sometimes the problems cut so deep, and last so long that it feels like it's impossible to even look at one another without getting angry, let alone resolve the issue in a civilized manner. SO there you are at that crossroad. Some may think well if it's that bad, maybe it's time to just let the relationship go. Say goodbye and part ways. But when is it ever that easy? And beneath all of the anger, hurt and confusion, what if you know you still LOVE that person? Do you disregard the love and pack away the relationship entirely? You can. Or you can decide to take space. Time away to calm down, think logically, evaluate yourself and the situation and figure out if there's enough there worth holding on to. And if indeed there is, you come back together ready to approach things sensibly and TOGETHER.

I agree with the statement that repeatedly coming in and out of a relationship is not healthy. That=playing games. If anyone i'm with needs to seriously take space from me more than once, that additional space is gonna be permanent. Take all the space you need for the rest of your life without me. But if the space asked for is a one time thing, and if it's used wisely and NOT abused [click here to see my other post on taking space and how it can be abused] then I still have to agree that sometimes it might be the inevitable last resort worth trying.

Thoughts??

Taking space in a relationship: worth it or bullsh it ?

Alrighty now blog-lovelies, so this topic is near and not-so-dear to my heart. I'm sure some of you have wandered upon the dreaded bridge called Taking Space from a relationship. From this bridge of space most couples end up jumping off of it and drowning in the murky waters of hatred and bitterness. But I do know of instances where couples are able to take space and come back reinvigorated, renewed, and ready to give their all to one another again. What defines the difference and how do you know whether or not space is needed between you and yours? Well that's what the hell I wanna know so why r u askin me?? lol. I kid, I kid. Let's figure this out together.

The way I see it, taking space is like coming to a fork in the road where going to the right will eventually lead you to paradise, while turning left will land u in Compton at 2:30 in the morning with $500 in a Louis bag smellin of weed and cheap sex. You get my drift? It all depends on how you and your partner conduct yourselves while on the break. It also depends on communication and RULES. No one likes rules but dammit sometimes they're necessary in order to keep shit in tact. A break is a break. But what does that mean? Is your break one of those breaks where ANYTHING goes? Are both of yall allowed to fuck with other people? Be emotionally involved with other people? Or is it merely time apart to evaluate what the hell is going on and to figure out what u need from each other?

In my honest opinion, I think breaks that end with couples successfully coming back to each other on a positive note start with the rule that engaging in physical or emotional "affairs" with other people is off limits. Obviously the relationship must be important enough to not just 100% end it (hence you're just taking a "break") so why complicate it by getting involved with someone else on the side?? It makes you look like an ass who really just needed space and opportunity to fuck with someone else. In that case, don't call it a break. Be woman enough to call it quits.

I don't know just how well taking space truly works. But I do know that sometimes space is necessary. If you and your sig other argue more than yall have sex....take space. If you can't seem to get over an issue or issues concerning your partner and things have been extra tense for awhile....take space. If you are doubting your feelings for your partner....take space. But please PLEASE know what it means when you opt for taking space over just breaking up entirely. Know that you have left an amount of hope and expectation that the relationship will be picked back up and made a priority once again. Do what you have to do to get yourself in line but remember that one day you will return to that person hoping that they will let you take them off the shelf, dust them off and love them again. No one will wait forever. If you're taking space from someone you don't want to lose forever, you'd be smart if you act like it.

Abusing the space you take looks a lil sumthin like this:
-finding a sex buddy to hold u over until u get back with your partner
-establishing an emotional connection with someone else that is deeper than 100% friendship
-when the space you take can be spoken of in terms of YEARS, you're doing way too much. Just break it off completely.
-running the streets like a college student on spring break at Mardi Gras. Is that what the space was for? I think not