Okay soooo let's be 100% blunt here. Women are fuckin nutty buddies. We either cry way too much, or internalize everything beneath a bazillion tons of stone and never cry at all. We rant one moment & wanna cupcake the next. We feel 167% in love on Tuesday and filled with hatred come Saturday. We wanna talk your head off in the morning and give silent treatments in the pm. We can be some straight up fruitcakes. But for those of us women who love/adore/cherish/lust after other women....we can't stay away. Doesn't seem to matter how bright the Out To Lunch sign is, women are addictive. But there are some things we (including myself) have GOT to do better on.
Let's talk about being territorial. *confession moment* I'm goin through a situation where I'm being territorial over someone who isn't mine...for the moment, and I feel authorized to do so because she was mine...for the longest. It sucks ass. I feel like the little kid who attaches himself to his favorite toy inside Toys R Us knowing damn well his mom is cheap as hell and wont be buying it but is STILL emotionally damaged when she yanks the toy out of his hand while he's yelling but its miiiiiiiiiiiineee! *sigh*
Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to just let go and say fine...get the hell on. Holding onto something that isn't yours kinda sounds like a form of robbery. It just sounds so...uggghhh...what's the word I'm looking for here? It feels like a form of cruel and unusual punishment that i'm committing on myself because honestly, if something isn't mine anymore, it takes way more energy to struggle to hold on then it does to wipe your hands clean....
Maybe i'll figure it out one day.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I won an award!! *tear*
I do believe this is the very first award my blog has ever won! My blog award cherry has been obliterated. I's grown nah!!! *dancin* =-)
Thank you to RoByn Latice over at Life, Love, Sex & All That Jazz for gifting me! Now as I hear, the rules of this award are that now i gotta list 7 things that i love and pass the award on to the next hot blogger. Let's see if i can make that happen.
Se7en Things i <3
* Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream- it's almost orgasmic. The choclatey brownies & cookie dough packed in swirls of vanilla and chocolate ice cream....mmmmmmmmmMMMM!
* Blogging/journaling/fiction & poetry writing- Of course. I'm a writer. It's in my blood.
* Getting my nails done- I'm a girly girl. Sue me.
* Atlanta- Lived there for a few yrs in college and absolutely fell in love with the city. Hope to move back one day.
* Music- My 1st love. My Ipod Touch is my best friend in the entire universe.
* Tattoos- I'm so addicted. I have four and i'm planning about four more. The pain & the pleasure of it all is craaazy.
* Purses- Ok so most women have a shoe fetish. I couldn't give two hells less about some damn shoes. But my purses??? Whew chile. Yes lord. My closet over-runneth.
So that's a few of the things I love. Y'all see I purposely left out how much i love my damn self. I could go on and on about that, so i spared u =-) Merry Christmas!!!
Now let's see who to give this award to...I truly enjoy so many blogs it's gonna be a task and a half to single one out. But ummm i'm gonna go ahead and give this one to my blog buddy over at My Affinity. Go check her out. The writing skills are lovely. Thanks again for the award RoByn!
Se7en Things i <3
* Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream- it's almost orgasmic. The choclatey brownies & cookie dough packed in swirls of vanilla and chocolate ice cream....mmmmmmmmmMMMM!
* Blogging/journaling/fiction & poetry writing- Of course. I'm a writer. It's in my blood.
* Getting my nails done- I'm a girly girl. Sue me.
* Atlanta- Lived there for a few yrs in college and absolutely fell in love with the city. Hope to move back one day.
* Music- My 1st love. My Ipod Touch is my best friend in the entire universe.
* Tattoos- I'm so addicted. I have four and i'm planning about four more. The pain & the pleasure of it all is craaazy.
* Purses- Ok so most women have a shoe fetish. I couldn't give two hells less about some damn shoes. But my purses??? Whew chile. Yes lord. My closet over-runneth.
So that's a few of the things I love. Y'all see I purposely left out how much i love my damn self. I could go on and on about that, so i spared u =-) Merry Christmas!!!
Now let's see who to give this award to...I truly enjoy so many blogs it's gonna be a task and a half to single one out. But ummm i'm gonna go ahead and give this one to my blog buddy over at My Affinity. Go check her out. The writing skills are lovely. Thanks again for the award RoByn!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Once a cheater...never a cheater again??
So the topic every time I turn my TV on, check twitter or pull up Yahoo is infidelity. Or adultery if you're married. Cheating. The lack of control over your wayward private parts. OR... the lack of control over your emotional connections.
Of course the latest celeb whoremonger is Tiger Woods. *sigh* Who is surprised? Really? Anyone? I'm never surprised when anyone is busted because umm...reality check= people ain't shit. Now I won't make the sweeping generalization that EVERY ONE will cheat in their lifetime. I'm sure their is a small percent of very sheltered human beings who nobody wants anyway will never cheat in any sort of way. Kudos to them.But most people cheat. It's just life. It sucks. But it's the truth. *confession moment here* I have emotionally cheated on someone and I have been physically and emotionally cheated on multiple times. Once you feel the pain of being cheated on, it usually lays the foundation for you eventually becoming a cheater yourself. You honestly just stop caring because no one else cared enough about you to stay faithful so.....
yeah. *ahem* Anywho, enough about me. I would like to carefully breakdown the two types of cheating and see which one my readers feel would hurt the most.
Behind door # 1 we have Physical Cheating: You would think every one would already know what this is, but ohhh you'd be surprised. If you have a girlfriend and you go out one night and lay a kiss on another chick, you have physically stepped outside the confines of your committed relationship. No if's and's or but's about it, so shut up. The person's lips you were sucking on did not belong to your partners, therefore, it's cheating. Now, the questions is, do you run home and tell your girl that you slobbed on someone else?? Is a kiss really that serious? In a perfect world, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. In a semi-perfect world, you would sit your gf down and tell her the deal. If she's not tripped out on some other shit, she's not gonna break up with you over a kiss. Unless you like kissed her sister or her mom or something. Now, if a kiss led to heavy petting, which led to your face (or any other body parts) being buried in between her legs....ummm, you most definitely have cheated to the nth degree and if you're any type of an ADULT, you'll tell your partner. Consequences are inevitable and you made your decision, so you gotta deal with em. My biggest problem with physically stepping out are the possibilities of catching some type of nasty crotch disease because of hoshit activities. Is it really that serious? If your girl isn't doing it for you sexually, try talking to her and workin it out between the two of you instead of cheating and infecting her with herpes. *gag* OR...maybe it's time to just end the relationship. *shrug*
Behind door # 2 is Emotional Cheating: This is where it gets a little sticky. I admit to not being an expert on all of the signs, symptoms and red flags of what constitutes emo cheating. But I do know more than what most people are comfortable learning about because it will probably make them guilty of it. Of course I'm glad to share the information =-) So i'll try to keep it fairly short and simple. If you are in a committed relationship with one person, and you start having your emotional needs met by someone else outside of that relationship (besides a family member) you might be emotionally cheating. Read carefully. Key word here: might. This is why. Everyone needs more than one person to sustain them mentally. You can not have all of your emotional needs met by one single person, no matter how romantic the shit sounds. It doesn't last forever. Trust me, please. It might feel good at first, and it might seem like a feeling you don't ever want to let go of because being the center of someone's everything kinda feels like heaven. But honestly, it's not healthy. When the dream-bubble bursts and you crash and realize that you don't have any one else to talk to...you'll realize how unhealthy it is. So yeah, everyone in a relationship should have friends to talk/vent to and hang out with. That's a great emotional connection to have, and if those friendships are platonic and if your partner feels comfy with them, that is not emotional cheating in the slightest. Sooo what does emotional cheating look like then, Chanel? Im glad you asked. When you start running to one person to tell your personal business to all the time, when you can't talk to your partner but run your mouth with ease to someone else, when you shut yourself off for your partner but seem to emotionally thrive in the presence of someone else, when you have excessive communication with someone else because you just can't seem not to, when you find yourself making excuses to sneak off to talk to/be around another person, when you just can't get that person off of your mind ...... you are emotionally cheating on your partner. That's what it looks and feels like. It can't be sugar coated. Beneath the sugary fluff, you still have a fucked up situation that is usually hell to get yourself out of.
What to do, what to do!??
The title of this post is "once a cheater, never a cheater again" for a reason. I am one of the few who actually believe that a cheater can be rehabilitated and be able to have long term, meaningful and committed relationships. It is not easy. Actually, it's probably the hardest thing you'll do in life because it requires a change in your mentality AND morality first in order to successfully make change in your social conduct. You can not and will not rise above being a physical or emotional cheater without changing the way you think, feel and react to life. Speaking from personal experience, you gotta have a genuine desire to change first and foremost. It's also great if you can grasp a hold of a good reason to change . Yeah, yeah, the change is ultimately for yourself, bit it does help if you find someone or something that makes sticking to such a task a little bit easier. Once you have the desire, the reason, and the will to do it....anything is quite possible. Like one of my best friends is known to say, "you gotta fake it til you make it." Acting like you have some type of a clue is the best way to eventually end up having that clue. It's not easy to just let go of something you've done for so long. But if you just DO it, force yourself to do it, keep reminding yourself WHY you're doing it, it will become a natural part of yourself. It wont feel natural at first because..well...its not. But once you realize that you are worth having a strong set of morals, and that your partner is truly worth having someone who is committed and 100% there...it starts to feel pretty damn good. Once you see how much control you can exert over what you do and how you do it, it will become the best choice you have ever made in life.
We all have the power to decide how we are going to live our lives. We only have one life to live. Youth is fleeting and we only have so much time to get it right, so if you don't mold yourself into the best possible person you can be before it's too late.... what else are you living for??
Remember if you stay a cheater, you'll leave people feeling like THIS!
Of course the latest celeb whoremonger is Tiger Woods. *sigh* Who is surprised? Really? Anyone? I'm never surprised when anyone is busted because umm...reality check= people ain't shit. Now I won't make the sweeping generalization that EVERY ONE will cheat in their lifetime. I'm sure their is a small percent of very sheltered human beings who
yeah. *ahem* Anywho, enough about me. I would like to carefully breakdown the two types of cheating and see which one my readers feel would hurt the most.
Behind door # 1 we have Physical Cheating: You would think every one would already know what this is, but ohhh you'd be surprised. If you have a girlfriend and you go out one night and lay a kiss on another chick, you have physically stepped outside the confines of your committed relationship. No if's and's or but's about it, so shut up. The person's lips you were sucking on did not belong to your partners, therefore, it's cheating. Now, the questions is, do you run home and tell your girl that you slobbed on someone else?? Is a kiss really that serious? In a perfect world, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. In a semi-perfect world, you would sit your gf down and tell her the deal. If she's not tripped out on some other shit, she's not gonna break up with you over a kiss. Unless you like kissed her sister or her mom or something. Now, if a kiss led to heavy petting, which led to your face (or any other body parts) being buried in between her legs....ummm, you most definitely have cheated to the nth degree and if you're any type of an ADULT, you'll tell your partner. Consequences are inevitable and you made your decision, so you gotta deal with em. My biggest problem with physically stepping out are the possibilities of catching some type of nasty crotch disease because of hoshit activities. Is it really that serious? If your girl isn't doing it for you sexually, try talking to her and workin it out between the two of you instead of cheating and infecting her with herpes. *gag* OR...maybe it's time to just end the relationship. *shrug*
Behind door # 2 is Emotional Cheating: This is where it gets a little sticky. I admit to not being an expert on all of the signs, symptoms and red flags of what constitutes emo cheating. But I do know more than what most people are comfortable learning about because it will probably make them guilty of it. Of course I'm glad to share the information =-) So i'll try to keep it fairly short and simple. If you are in a committed relationship with one person, and you start having your emotional needs met by someone else outside of that relationship (besides a family member) you might be emotionally cheating. Read carefully. Key word here: might. This is why. Everyone needs more than one person to sustain them mentally. You can not have all of your emotional needs met by one single person, no matter how romantic the shit sounds. It doesn't last forever. Trust me, please. It might feel good at first, and it might seem like a feeling you don't ever want to let go of because being the center of someone's everything kinda feels like heaven. But honestly, it's not healthy. When the dream-bubble bursts and you crash and realize that you don't have any one else to talk to...you'll realize how unhealthy it is. So yeah, everyone in a relationship should have friends to talk/vent to and hang out with. That's a great emotional connection to have, and if those friendships are platonic and if your partner feels comfy with them, that is not emotional cheating in the slightest. Sooo what does emotional cheating look like then, Chanel? Im glad you asked. When you start running to one person to tell your personal business to all the time, when you can't talk to your partner but run your mouth with ease to someone else, when you shut yourself off for your partner but seem to emotionally thrive in the presence of someone else, when you have excessive communication with someone else because you just can't seem not to, when you find yourself making excuses to sneak off to talk to/be around another person, when you just can't get that person off of your mind ...... you are emotionally cheating on your partner. That's what it looks and feels like. It can't be sugar coated. Beneath the sugary fluff, you still have a fucked up situation that is usually hell to get yourself out of.
What to do, what to do!??
The title of this post is "once a cheater, never a cheater again" for a reason. I am one of the few who actually believe that a cheater can be rehabilitated and be able to have long term, meaningful and committed relationships. It is not easy. Actually, it's probably the hardest thing you'll do in life because it requires a change in your mentality AND morality first in order to successfully make change in your social conduct. You can not and will not rise above being a physical or emotional cheater without changing the way you think, feel and react to life. Speaking from personal experience, you gotta have a genuine desire to change first and foremost. It's also great if you can grasp a hold of a good reason to change . Yeah, yeah, the change is ultimately for yourself, bit it does help if you find someone or something that makes sticking to such a task a little bit easier. Once you have the desire, the reason, and the will to do it....anything is quite possible. Like one of my best friends is known to say, "you gotta fake it til you make it." Acting like you have some type of a clue is the best way to eventually end up having that clue. It's not easy to just let go of something you've done for so long. But if you just DO it, force yourself to do it, keep reminding yourself WHY you're doing it, it will become a natural part of yourself. It wont feel natural at first because..well...its not. But once you realize that you are worth having a strong set of morals, and that your partner is truly worth having someone who is committed and 100% there...it starts to feel pretty damn good. Once you see how much control you can exert over what you do and how you do it, it will become the best choice you have ever made in life.
We all have the power to decide how we are going to live our lives. We only have one life to live. Youth is fleeting and we only have so much time to get it right, so if you don't mold yourself into the best possible person you can be before it's too late.... what else are you living for??
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Can we skip Christmas 09??
I typically love holiday season. I don't really do all the decorating and cooking [i leave that to the Betty Crocker's and Martha Stewart's in my life] but i do like taking in all the decorative sights, smelling the holiday food, and just overall enjoying the warm & festive vibes that are so prevalent during this time. This year = no bueno. I'm going through so much emotionally and mentally, I don't have any room left in my spirit and in my mind to allow the happiness of the season to sink in. I feel very empty right now and it sucks so bad. I see people goin around, excited to do their xmas shopping, making plans to be with family and friends and i'm like....*sigh* I don't really have much to look forward to this Christmas. It doesn't feel very good. =(
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Gay & In Denial = FAIL
Allow me to preface this post with a disclaimer: I love feedback. Everyone has opinions and I honestly love hearing them. I believe in the power of controversy to stir up brilliant dialogue on social issues. I fully understand and respect that my views on these issues are not shared by everyone, thus I welcome intelligent debate and discussion. [pay close attention here] But if you reply with even a hint of ignorance or homophobia, I will not publish your comment in my comments section. I will, however, copy and paste your comment into the body of my post, put you on blast, proceed to burst your bubble and carry on with life as planned. If it's worth it to you, please try me. That is all.
************************************************************************************
Now onto the reason why i'm blogging in the AM on a Saturday. Donnie McClurkin.
"How YOU doin?"
McClurkin has given me the absolute unabashed 100% MOST this morning. A few days ago a Youtube "sermon" of his spread like syphilis. Or at least it was highly contagious on MY Twitter timeline. This could possibly be because I follow just about every gay in the Twitter universe *shrug*. But yes, every other tweet was about this video of Donnie going on about how the comunity is failing the kids because they are all being lost to homosexuality, God didn't create us for such perversion, had it not been for the Lord he would still be in the life, etc.
*sigh*
Okay. My first problem with the video was not the content. I'm a born & raised church baby from wayyy back. Im use to the whole homosexuality=sin argument. So over it. My main issue with Donnie is the dramatics of it all. Ohhh McClurkin worked it. Every single minute of that monologue was pulled from the depths of his twinkerbell soul. The 1st 5 mins of the vid are of him sighin and cryin into the mic like a wayward orphan. He laid it on so thick had I been there that Sunday, I woulda had to put up that church finger and excuse myself with a quickness before i started cackling. Donnie's Oscar nomination game is PROPER. He is the Denzel Washington of the gospel world. He pleaded, and begged, and boo hooed and Keith Sweated (whined) with the best of em all while puttin people on blast and shrinking the self-worth of an entire category of society down to nada. In the name of Jesus Christ his Lord and Savior.
*pause*
There have already been dozens of brilliant blog posts on how far gone into denial Donnie McClurkin is about his sexuality. He likes to believe that he's an "ex gay." I don't believe there's a such thing as "ex gay" (especially when u make comments like "I don't eat sugar, but that doesn't mean I don't want sugar."- Donnie. ) So I consider him to be re-closeted. He has chosen to pick back up the burden of shame, guilt and self-hatred that comes along with being a closeted gay. I do not sympathize or empathize with him in the slightest. It's his life, he's a grown man and has to live with his decisions until the day he dies. I just know that living a lie is the most detrimental and painful form of suicide that a person can take part in. Who really needs the prayer here?
So that's that. Onto another member of the gospel community who has gotten press off the subject of homosexuality: Tonex. (The person Donnie calls out during his rousing monologue) I confess to not being able to name a single Tonex song. I've heard of him. I know he's a big deal in the gospel world and i've seen him on the gospel award shows. But I never paid him much attention until i saw his interview with Lexi on YouTube. I didn't even know that he publicly came out of the closet like that in Sepetember of this year. Within nine minutes, I gained more respect for Tonex than I ever had for Donnie McClurkin throughout his entire career. The following paraphrased excerpt is from the interview:
"Yes, I was molested as a young child. My mind was exposed to sexual situations way too early. It could have laid the foundation or planted a seed, but I take full ownership of my sexual exploration... People like to blame molestation for their sexuality. No. Just be honest and say that you're attracted to men. Homosexuality is not a struggle."
*claps & whistles*
You just don't know much it warmed my heart to hear someone separate rape and molestation from being gay. Read this twice: NOT ALL GAY PEOPLE WERE VICTIMIZED AS CHILDREN. Yes, many were. As were many heterosexual people. How do you explain their subsequent straightness? I was never molested as a child. I'm gayer than gay. Therefore, molestation and sexual orientation do not have a cause and effect relationship. Why do people try to force it?
In essence, Tonex was man enough to say- Stop the BS. If you're a man who likes men, be that. If you're a chick who digs chicks, do you. Don't make any excuses to appease those around you or to pacify yourself. Live your life, find a sense of security within yourself, and everything else will fall in line.
Kudos to him for that message. As for Donnie McClurkin, chile boo. Go sit yourself in the corner and re-evaluate your inner being before casting judgment on others. In the classic words of @LuvvieIg (follow her on Twitter, follow me @ChanelSaysSo) - "It's like the pot callin the kettle Ne-Yo"
************************************************************************************
Now onto the reason why i'm blogging in the AM on a Saturday. Donnie McClurkin.
o_O
McClurkin has given me the absolute unabashed 100% MOST this morning. A few days ago a Youtube "sermon" of his spread like syphilis. Or at least it was highly contagious on MY Twitter timeline. This could possibly be because I follow just about every gay in the Twitter universe *shrug*. But yes, every other tweet was about this video of Donnie going on about how the comunity is failing the kids because they are all being lost to homosexuality, God didn't create us for such perversion, had it not been for the Lord he would still be in the life, etc.
*sigh*
Okay. My first problem with the video was not the content. I'm a born & raised church baby from wayyy back. Im use to the whole homosexuality=sin argument. So over it. My main issue with Donnie is the dramatics of it all. Ohhh McClurkin worked it. Every single minute of that monologue was pulled from the depths of his twinkerbell soul. The 1st 5 mins of the vid are of him sighin and cryin into the mic like a wayward orphan. He laid it on so thick had I been there that Sunday, I woulda had to put up that church finger and excuse myself with a quickness before i started cackling. Donnie's Oscar nomination game is PROPER. He is the Denzel Washington of the gospel world. He pleaded, and begged, and boo hooed and Keith Sweated (whined) with the best of em all while puttin people on blast and shrinking the self-worth of an entire category of society down to nada. In the name of Jesus Christ his Lord and Savior.
*pause*
There have already been dozens of brilliant blog posts on how far gone into denial Donnie McClurkin is about his sexuality. He likes to believe that he's an "ex gay." I don't believe there's a such thing as "ex gay" (especially when u make comments like "I don't eat sugar, but that doesn't mean I don't want sugar."- Donnie. ) So I consider him to be re-closeted. He has chosen to pick back up the burden of shame, guilt and self-hatred that comes along with being a closeted gay. I do not sympathize or empathize with him in the slightest. It's his life, he's a grown man and has to live with his decisions until the day he dies. I just know that living a lie is the most detrimental and painful form of suicide that a person can take part in. Who really needs the prayer here?
So that's that. Onto another member of the gospel community who has gotten press off the subject of homosexuality: Tonex. (The person Donnie calls out during his rousing monologue) I confess to not being able to name a single Tonex song. I've heard of him. I know he's a big deal in the gospel world and i've seen him on the gospel award shows. But I never paid him much attention until i saw his interview with Lexi on YouTube. I didn't even know that he publicly came out of the closet like that in Sepetember of this year. Within nine minutes, I gained more respect for Tonex than I ever had for Donnie McClurkin throughout his entire career. The following paraphrased excerpt is from the interview:
"Yes, I was molested as a young child. My mind was exposed to sexual situations way too early. It could have laid the foundation or planted a seed, but I take full ownership of my sexual exploration... People like to blame molestation for their sexuality. No. Just be honest and say that you're attracted to men. Homosexuality is not a struggle."
*claps & whistles*
You just don't know much it warmed my heart to hear someone separate rape and molestation from being gay. Read this twice: NOT ALL GAY PEOPLE WERE VICTIMIZED AS CHILDREN. Yes, many were. As were many heterosexual people. How do you explain their subsequent straightness? I was never molested as a child. I'm gayer than gay. Therefore, molestation and sexual orientation do not have a cause and effect relationship. Why do people try to force it?
In essence, Tonex was man enough to say- Stop the BS. If you're a man who likes men, be that. If you're a chick who digs chicks, do you. Don't make any excuses to appease those around you or to pacify yourself. Live your life, find a sense of security within yourself, and everything else will fall in line.
Kudos to him for that message. As for Donnie McClurkin, chile boo. Go sit yourself in the corner and re-evaluate your inner being before casting judgment on others. In the classic words of @LuvvieIg (follow her on Twitter, follow me @ChanelSaysSo) - "It's like the pot callin the kettle Ne-Yo"
Friday, October 9, 2009
Turn & Breathe
The room is opaque. It’s considerably dark outside, interrupted by stars, streetlights and the occasional headlights of a determined car. But in the confines of this room, it is shoe polish-midnight-pitch black. I could be in a coffin right now and not be shocked. But I know I’m not dead. Yet.
The only submission the darkness gives to light comes from a cell phone propped on top of the nightstand. Every five seconds a tiny beam of electric blue light pulsates from the corner of the device, signaling that someone somewhere is thinking about the owner of that phone and wants to make sure it’s known. At 1:29 in the morning.
I wish the battery of that phone a very succinct and tragic life.
Somewhere way on the other side of the cave someone else moves and makes a confused, mildly sexual noise in their sleep. It probably wasn’t really sexual at all. I don’t know. I’m hearing everything wrong these days.
I close my eyes and find more light behind my thin lids than in the room. I try to find comfort there also, within my own skin. Hoping for a healthy dose of peace and reassurance. Or the good ability to fall asleep would be nice to locate too.
No such luck.
I twirl my eyeballs around in their sockets; eyelids still serving as protective barriers between myself, and whatever it is taking up space in this cocoon with me. Can I even still say with me? Who knows? Maybe I shouldn’t.
My right eye opens, completely against my will, trying to process something in the midst of all the black. Shadows curl along every angle that my eye takes in. Thick swirls of obsidian fill every crack beneath doors, and barricades the small window that seems miles away from where I lay beneath cold black sheets. Yeah, I’m in total darkness. Except for that damn blinkety blink cell phone.
The other person moves again and my eye snaps shut. I clench my right hand, enjoying the feeling of my nails digging into my fleshy palm. My left hand strokes a small corner of the sheet, twisting it into a tight strand of angry Egyptian cotton. My left foot lightly bounces against the mattress. I think about peering under the covers to watch it go, but it’s too dark. My other foot is the one I want to hack off. Preferably before it painfully betrays me. Which means I need to do it like now. That damn foot! It’s as if something on the other end of the tunnel possesses a magnetic quality, and of course my foot is made of lead.
I feel it slowly creep over towards the dark side. Inching across the span of space between us that seems to double with every passing night. I squeeze my eyes shut so tight I feel tiny hairs pop from their follicles along my temples. A part of me yearns for that warmth on the other side. Here in my slice of the pie, it’s drafty. Icy. Anemic. Uncomfortable. Over there…where I once ran for comfort, I always found warmth. But lately it feels like the cold has seeped in everywhere. Even over there. Maybe that’s what my wayward foot calls itself doing. Testing the temperature over there to see if conditions have changed. I could’ve given it the answer. But then again, I don’t seem to be right about much these days.
My skin feels like someone is hovering over me, having lots of fun pricking me with a fire-singed needle. I’m stinging all over, from head to toe. Except for this right foot, dammit. It feels nothing but a slight change in climate as it nears its destination. My breath and an obscenely large lump are caught in my throat and I want to swallow around it, but bitterness never did taste very good.
Bitterness. Anger. Hurt. Pain. Betrayal. Resentment. Lies. Hopeless. Helpless. Scream. Please. Screw me. Over. Help me. Hold me. Leave me. Alone. Forget me. You already have…
Darkness.
My right foot stumbles on its journey. I feel it freeze over and retract, rejoining the whole of its part. The stinging decreases, leaving numbness in its wake. My heart rate slows. I unclench my hands and redirect the tension to my lips, pursing them tightly. I still can’t swallow. My eyes open and I stare up at what would be the ceiling if I could see it. That irksome throb is creeping up behind my eyeballs and I blink rapidly. I’m semi-successful at stopping the flow of recycled and irrelevant tears. Three particularly strong-willed drops escape from my eyes and slide down my temples, disappearing into my unruly hair.
She stirs next to me, disturbing the panicked silence I have created for myself. Maybe I woke her with my unfortunate effort at line crossing. But she shows no further signs of life. I shake my head and close my eyes again. Protective barriers set firmly in place.
If I had it my way, I would fall asleep now, just like that. No questions asked, no life choices pondered. But of course, I haven’t been getting my way lately.
So, I just turn over, swallow that lump, and remember to breathe.Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Allow me to make this proclamation
Being in love with someone of the same sex is in no shape or form easier than being in love with someone of the opposite sex. I make this claim for a few reasons, one being that my opinion was asked on what I think of the nature of female drama. Is it always like this? I believe was the question. And to that I yelled an emphatic YESSSSSSSSSSS. Drama is as drama does and drama does not get any nicer or sugary sweet simply because of the anatomy between the legs of your partner. In reality, drama tends to be sharpened to that of an ice pick when it comes to women. It's nothing pretty.
But of course, as not to scare away any newbies in the atmosphere, I must back this caution up by saying that although the drama is indeed a particularly sour taste upon the lesbian palate, the good times, the smiles, laughter and pleasure to be experienced when love is in the air between two women...is a thing unparalleled.
And that's all I have to say about the upside of things seeing as how my love life is fantastically shitty these days.
I'm done.
But of course, as not to scare away any newbies in the atmosphere, I must back this caution up by saying that although the drama is indeed a particularly sour taste upon the lesbian palate, the good times, the smiles, laughter and pleasure to be experienced when love is in the air between two women...is a thing unparalleled.
And that's all I have to say about the upside of things seeing as how my love life is fantastically shitty these days.
I'm done.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
HAVE YOU SEEN MITRICE RICHARDSON?
UPDATE (8/15/2010): The remains of Mitrice were found in Malibu over the weekend. This makes me so sad and incredibly upset. I dont even know what to say about this right now :-(
I hate for my first entry in 84757 years to be about something so unbelievably sad but I feel like I have to post about this. Maybe some of you have heard about the case, and it might be new news for others. Either way, we all need to pray and send out positive vibes for this woman and her family. This has been on my mind all day and I can't shake it. I just came from Monie's blog and she has a great post about it. We all need to do our part to broadcast this and hope for her safe return. Quite often when black women go missing, the world shrugs and turns its back. With this woman being young, black, and from the looks of it, a lesbian (or bi) she has a lot of things working against her as far of gaining the media attention and support from the police. It makes me angry and very sad. I just hope she's okay....
The following is from CBS.com. Feel free to re-post.
MALIBU, Calif. (CBS) A woman who was arrested at a Malibu, Calif. restaurant went missing after she was released hours later from a sheriff's station, the Los Angeles Times reported.
Mitrice Richardson, 24, was reportedly intoxicated and unable to pay her $89 bill at Geoffrey's restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu about 10 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 17, the newspaper reported.
Deputies arrested Richardson at the Malibu-Lost Hills station, where they booked her on suspicion of not paying for the meal and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Los Angeles Times.
She was released about 1:25 a.m. the next day, he said.
"She exhibited no signs of mental illness or intoxication," said Whitmore, explaining why she was released. "She was fine. She's an adult."
According to her mother, Latice Sutton, a manager she spoke to at Geoffrey's said Richardson appeared to be in "no condition to drive."
Sutton told the newspaper that she called the Malibu-Lost Hills station to ask about posting bail and picking up her daughter, but deputies told her they had released her because they did not have room to keep her in jail.
The sheriff's station is unfamiliar to the woman, her family said. It is not served by buses at night, and family members said they have not seen or heard from Richardson since Wednesday.
"They allowed her to walk out of that facility and down that road in the pitch black night," Richardson's father, Michael, told the Times. "That's not right. Now, I just want to find my child."
The woman's mother said deputies told her nearby residents had called to say a woman was sleeping on porches, indicating to her that Richardson was stumbling around a nearby residential neighborhood early Friday, the Times reported.
Responding to criticism from Richardson's family, the Sheriff's Department defended her release in a statement made by Whitmore. He said the department has a series of checks that are done before anybody is released and that those checks were done, again noting she was neither intoxicated nor mentally impaired.
Whitmore also said Richardson was made an offer to stay in the jail but she refused.
Richardson is a graduate of Cal State Fullerton and recently moved to Los Angeles to live with her grandmother near the area where she planned on teaching.
She last made contact with her family at her home in the Southeast area of Los Angeles on Wednesday, police said.
Richardson is African-American, 5-foot-5-inches and approximately 135 pounds. She has brown, curly hair and hazel eyes, and was last seen wearing a dark shirt and blue jeans, police said. According to a flyer made by her family, Richardson has tattoos on her lower abdomen and behind her neck.
Police asked anyone with information on her whereabouts to call the LAPD's Missing Persons Unit at (213) 485-5381, or 1-877-LAPD-24-7 after business hours or on weekends.
I hate for my first entry in 84757 years to be about something so unbelievably sad but I feel like I have to post about this. Maybe some of you have heard about the case, and it might be new news for others. Either way, we all need to pray and send out positive vibes for this woman and her family. This has been on my mind all day and I can't shake it. I just came from Monie's blog and she has a great post about it. We all need to do our part to broadcast this and hope for her safe return. Quite often when black women go missing, the world shrugs and turns its back. With this woman being young, black, and from the looks of it, a lesbian (or bi) she has a lot of things working against her as far of gaining the media attention and support from the police. It makes me angry and very sad. I just hope she's okay....
The following is from CBS.com. Feel free to re-post.
MALIBU, Calif. (CBS) A woman who was arrested at a Malibu, Calif. restaurant went missing after she was released hours later from a sheriff's station, the Los Angeles Times reported.
Mitrice Richardson, 24, was reportedly intoxicated and unable to pay her $89 bill at Geoffrey's restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu about 10 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 17, the newspaper reported.
Deputies arrested Richardson at the Malibu-Lost Hills station, where they booked her on suspicion of not paying for the meal and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Los Angeles Times.
She was released about 1:25 a.m. the next day, he said.
"She exhibited no signs of mental illness or intoxication," said Whitmore, explaining why she was released. "She was fine. She's an adult."
According to her mother, Latice Sutton, a manager she spoke to at Geoffrey's said Richardson appeared to be in "no condition to drive."
Sutton told the newspaper that she called the Malibu-Lost Hills station to ask about posting bail and picking up her daughter, but deputies told her they had released her because they did not have room to keep her in jail.
The sheriff's station is unfamiliar to the woman, her family said. It is not served by buses at night, and family members said they have not seen or heard from Richardson since Wednesday.
"They allowed her to walk out of that facility and down that road in the pitch black night," Richardson's father, Michael, told the Times. "That's not right. Now, I just want to find my child."
The woman's mother said deputies told her nearby residents had called to say a woman was sleeping on porches, indicating to her that Richardson was stumbling around a nearby residential neighborhood early Friday, the Times reported.
Responding to criticism from Richardson's family, the Sheriff's Department defended her release in a statement made by Whitmore. He said the department has a series of checks that are done before anybody is released and that those checks were done, again noting she was neither intoxicated nor mentally impaired.
Whitmore also said Richardson was made an offer to stay in the jail but she refused.
Richardson is a graduate of Cal State Fullerton and recently moved to Los Angeles to live with her grandmother near the area where she planned on teaching.
She last made contact with her family at her home in the Southeast area of Los Angeles on Wednesday, police said.
Richardson is African-American, 5-foot-5-inches and approximately 135 pounds. She has brown, curly hair and hazel eyes, and was last seen wearing a dark shirt and blue jeans, police said. According to a flyer made by her family, Richardson has tattoos on her lower abdomen and behind her neck.
Police asked anyone with information on her whereabouts to call the LAPD's Missing Persons Unit at (213) 485-5381, or 1-877-LAPD-24-7 after business hours or on weekends.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Newly outed gay celebrity in DEEP denial
Okay so y'all know Tyler Perry and all of the Madea plays/movies right? Only about the funniest ish on dvd nowadays. My girl and I have every single play and we watch them & cackle as if it's our first (or 50th) time seeing the trickery unfold. Well two of my favorite Tyler Perry plays are Madea's Family Reunion and Meet The Browns. All of the cast members seem to have amazing vocal talent, but one guy always stood out to me in these 2 plays:
Terrell Carter
He just always had that extra ummph in his voice. His vocal runs are ridiculous and i love the heavy sultriness of it. And it doesn't hurt that he has a really nice body and cleans up rather well. So yeah. There's a lil bit of chocolate goodness goin on there & plenty of straight & iffy women were on that. Today their dreams will be shattered & bubbles will be stomped on as I came across these pics.
Yeah so i guess my gaydar has been shot and buried cuz i didnt see this one coming at all. When i saw these pics i *gasped* and refreshed the page about 3 times just to make sure I was seeing correctly. Mr. Carter is gay as apple pie. Okay no biggie. So am I. Everyone should move on and let the man get on with his career, nice & comfie in his own skin...right? Wrong. I don't know if it was because of how he was outed (a vindictive ex-boyfriend released the above photos) or because he has publicly denied the rumors time & time again, but Terrell is still callin bullshit on the gay issue. I have one thing to say - BULL SHIT. Come on now Mistah Carter. I know it feels like your world is crashing down because your latin jumpoff released the tell-all pix as you were in the middle of touring in your gospel play that tackles such "sinful" issues, but really? You're still denying that you are gay? Really? lmao. Just stop it. We know. I guess some people have been knowing. Hell maybe I was the only slowbie who didn't know jack doo doo squat, but the cat's outta the bag now! Unless you r telling me you were kidnapped and forced to look so seductively comfortable in the arms of papi up there and sportin those "Spectacular-esque" red panties on the beach.... you are GAY & should feel like a weight has been lifted off of your muscular shoulders.
I'm sure Tyler will still use him in a play erry now & then. And he'll fit in just fine with all of the other gays in Hollywood, in or out the closet. Yes, the black community still has strong reservations about the lgbt community claiming to be religious/spiritual, but they need to wake the hell up too because if any one thinks that more than a handful of churches would still be in existence without the talented gays directing choirs, playin the organ, beatin the drums, AND preaching the Word....chile please. Church wold be about as dry as Diddy's bottom lip. I'm jus sayin.
I do not condone randomly outing people. It's rude, vindictive and this situation reeks of a broken hearted guy gone psycho lookin for some payback. I do believe he has found it. Ohhh but karma is a the B I T C H of all bitches...
Now, for a little bit of Terrell's vocal skill AND hear his proclamation of how he never would have made it through this turbulent gay outing had it not been for GOD....
He just always had that extra ummph in his voice. His vocal runs are ridiculous and i love the heavy sultriness of it. And it doesn't hurt that he has a really nice body and cleans up rather well. So yeah. There's a lil bit of chocolate goodness goin on there & plenty of straight & iffy women were on that. Today their dreams will be shattered & bubbles will be stomped on as I came across these pics.
Yeah so i guess my gaydar has been shot and buried cuz i didnt see this one coming at all. When i saw these pics i *gasped* and refreshed the page about 3 times just to make sure I was seeing correctly. Mr. Carter is gay as apple pie. Okay no biggie. So am I. Everyone should move on and let the man get on with his career, nice & comfie in his own skin...right? Wrong. I don't know if it was because of how he was outed (a vindictive ex-boyfriend released the above photos) or because he has publicly denied the rumors time & time again, but Terrell is still callin bullshit on the gay issue. I have one thing to say - BULL SHIT. Come on now Mistah Carter. I know it feels like your world is crashing down because your latin jumpoff released the tell-all pix as you were in the middle of touring in your gospel play that tackles such "sinful" issues, but really? You're still denying that you are gay? Really? lmao. Just stop it. We know. I guess some people have been knowing. Hell maybe I was the only slowbie who didn't know jack doo doo squat, but the cat's outta the bag now! Unless you r telling me you were kidnapped and forced to look so seductively comfortable in the arms of papi up there and sportin those "Spectacular-esque" red panties on the beach.... you are GAY & should feel like a weight has been lifted off of your muscular shoulders.
I'm sure Tyler will still use him in a play erry now & then. And he'll fit in just fine with all of the other gays in Hollywood, in or out the closet. Yes, the black community still has strong reservations about the lgbt community claiming to be religious/spiritual, but they need to wake the hell up too because if any one thinks that more than a handful of churches would still be in existence without the talented gays directing choirs, playin the organ, beatin the drums, AND preaching the Word....chile please. Church wold be about as dry as Diddy's bottom lip. I'm jus sayin.
I do not condone randomly outing people. It's rude, vindictive and this situation reeks of a broken hearted guy gone psycho lookin for some payback. I do believe he has found it. Ohhh but karma is a the B I T C H of all bitches...
Now, for a little bit of Terrell's vocal skill AND hear his proclamation of how he never would have made it through this turbulent gay outing had it not been for GOD....
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
There is an I in WE.
"Love is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it. Those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it." -Curtis Judalet
Being in love is a beautiful, unparalleled circumstance. I believe love truly does make the world go around. Without it, we would all be cold-hearted, bitter, resentful, selfish people with nothing to gain and everything to lose. Falling in love is the easy part that us writers drop line after line about. But maintaining a healthy, balanced and delicate relationship is the part that makes many of us wanna jump off bridges. [not really, but im jus sayin]
I think one of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to solidly unite with your partner while also staying unique and true to one's self. Alot of people struggle with falling into their partners shadow, for one reason or another. I've never personally had that problem and with my personality, I don't even think it's possible. But I've definitely been witness to how painful and difficult it is to overcome. Speaking from experience, i've never intentionally tried to shove someone I was with under the bus so i could thrive, sparkle & shine all by my lonesome. lol. That's just rude. I would rather the both of us have the ability to stand out and be the best at whatever it is we individually (or jointly) do. But sometimes, it doesn't happen and someone ends up losing themselves in the relationship.
What happens then?
I think it's important for individuals to have a firm grasp on who they are, what they believe in, and what they love about themselves before getting involved with someone. It's absolutely necessary. Without that firm anchor, you're liable to drown. When you're in a relationship, it's easy to get wrapped up in eachother's everything. I mean, you spend hour after hour with that person, you do everything together, you wanna make that person happy, you don't like being alone, etc. But after awhile, it's also easy for a part of you to become mal-nourished. Your self-identity.
I'm not really sure how to keep this from happening, or how to make things better once it has already happened. But I know it's a problem that can lead to unhappiness, unbalance and discord. Anyone have any insight on it?
Being in love is a beautiful, unparalleled circumstance. I believe love truly does make the world go around. Without it, we would all be cold-hearted, bitter, resentful, selfish people with nothing to gain and everything to lose. Falling in love is the easy part that us writers drop line after line about. But maintaining a healthy, balanced and delicate relationship is the part that makes many of us wanna jump off bridges. [not really, but im jus sayin]
I think one of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to solidly unite with your partner while also staying unique and true to one's self. Alot of people struggle with falling into their partners shadow, for one reason or another. I've never personally had that problem and with my personality, I don't even think it's possible. But I've definitely been witness to how painful and difficult it is to overcome. Speaking from experience, i've never intentionally tried to shove someone I was with under the bus so i could thrive, sparkle & shine all by my lonesome. lol. That's just rude. I would rather the both of us have the ability to stand out and be the best at whatever it is we individually (or jointly) do. But sometimes, it doesn't happen and someone ends up losing themselves in the relationship.
What happens then?
I think it's important for individuals to have a firm grasp on who they are, what they believe in, and what they love about themselves before getting involved with someone. It's absolutely necessary. Without that firm anchor, you're liable to drown. When you're in a relationship, it's easy to get wrapped up in eachother's everything. I mean, you spend hour after hour with that person, you do everything together, you wanna make that person happy, you don't like being alone, etc. But after awhile, it's also easy for a part of you to become mal-nourished. Your self-identity.
I'm not really sure how to keep this from happening, or how to make things better once it has already happened. But I know it's a problem that can lead to unhappiness, unbalance and discord. Anyone have any insight on it?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Unveiling my new online magazine for women writers!!
Everybody do the happy dance with me! 
What are we dancing about you ask?? Hmmph. Well if you were FOLLOWING me on twitter, u would already know! lol. I unveiled my latest (of 299834) projects today & im very excited about it. So if you're 1) a woman and 2) a writer, then you would most definitely want to go check out
Sepia Magazine- an online mag for Women of Color writers, poets & artists of all forms!
And please don't hesitate to comment, subscribe and pass the word around!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Oh how I admire Rachel Maddow
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
She basically told Pat Buchanan to get off of his racist bullshit.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I'm baaaack!
Happy Monday my lovelies!! I've been MIA for my b-day weekend which was beautiful thanks to tloml (the love of my lyfe for yall who arent in the know). I re-capped the entire wkend over at my other spot if u wanna check it out.
Now onto some gay stuff. I have been slacking/procrastinating the past week or two about posting regularly here due to a bit of an uprising of school work, work work, & personal stuff. But I think im a little more sane now so I can remove myself from time out.
I've been pondering over how to approach the topic of my relationship and how it has lasted so long (it was a suggested topic). I dnt wanna bore my readers with a drawn out story of how we met and so forth, so i think I found a way to break it all down into mini posts & still be relevant. Hopefully y'all will enjoy it! Check back soon for the 1st post.
Now onto some gay stuff. I have been slacking/procrastinating the past week or two about posting regularly here due to a bit of an uprising of school work, work work, & personal stuff. But I think im a little more sane now so I can remove myself from time out.
I've been pondering over how to approach the topic of my relationship and how it has lasted so long (it was a suggested topic). I dnt wanna bore my readers with a drawn out story of how we met and so forth, so i think I found a way to break it all down into mini posts & still be relevant. Hopefully y'all will enjoy it! Check back soon for the 1st post.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Guess what today is??!
MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!!! Wooooooooooooooo!!!
I've now been alive 26 years and can't believe it. Where the hell has time run off to? *sigh* Oh well. My gf told me to say i'm twenty-sexy =-) Me likes that. Anywho, i'll be outta commission here until monday cuz she has plans for me all wkend long...me likes that too ;-) Enjoy your weekend everyone!
I've now been alive 26 years and can't believe it. Where the hell has time run off to? *sigh* Oh well. My gf told me to say i'm twenty-sexy =-) Me likes that. Anywho, i'll be outta commission here until monday cuz she has plans for me all wkend long...me likes that too ;-) Enjoy your weekend everyone!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sex & stuff
Happy Monday! I dont say that often so enjoy it!! I've been awfully quiet lately, had way too much stuff on my mind and couldnt quite steady myself enough to post. But, i'm back and i'd like to talk about sex. Big shock there.
I just read a post that left me a little confused. A guy wrote about a sexual encounter he had with a young lady that left him utterly disgusted yet unbelievably turned on at the same time. *blank stare* I don't quite understand that. Maybe it's just me but if i'm disgusted by someone or something, I don't think I can have sex at that moment. He went on to discuss how she wasnt necessarily a disgusting person, but the things she was doing to him made him loathe her and look at her like a nasty trollop...but he couldn't stop. *another blank stare* Is this normal? lol. Like how on one hand are you thinking "This nasty dirty bitch! Look at her takin it in like a whore, she makes me sick!" But you keep goin at it??? Um. No.
I jus found this to be a little wierd. Maybe its just me...
I just read a post that left me a little confused. A guy wrote about a sexual encounter he had with a young lady that left him utterly disgusted yet unbelievably turned on at the same time. *blank stare* I don't quite understand that. Maybe it's just me but if i'm disgusted by someone or something, I don't think I can have sex at that moment. He went on to discuss how she wasnt necessarily a disgusting person, but the things she was doing to him made him loathe her and look at her like a nasty trollop...but he couldn't stop. *another blank stare* Is this normal? lol. Like how on one hand are you thinking "This nasty dirty bitch! Look at her takin it in like a whore, she makes me sick!" But you keep goin at it??? Um. No.
I jus found this to be a little wierd. Maybe its just me...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Presenting San Francisco Gay Pride 2009!!
Ahh...San Francisco. lol. I saw more balls and ass hair yesterday than I have in my entire life. Ew. 
Solange rocked it out at the main stage. There were soooo many freakin people out there and if one more person tried to squeeze past me in that tight little space, I woulda caught a case. 
Solange rocked it out at the main stage. There were soooo many freakin people out there and if one more person tried to squeeze past me in that tight little space, I woulda caught a case. 
More Solo in her gay-friendly rainbow cat suit. Loved it. She was dancin in the crowd and the excited girl behind her is my friends daughter. She was shell-shocked like "she touched me she touched me!!".
Floats & such. I told my gf I wanna march in the parade next yr. I think she thought I was playin. lol. I'm not.
Flag flyin high. But rainbow flags on lightposts aren't uncommon in SF. That's why i love the city.
Friends, fun and pride. Good combo! I was hungover like crazy. Not a good look at all.
My beautiful girlfriend. I LOVE this picture! She jus got leid ;-)
Although my club experience on sat nite sucked (I got way too drunk and my face wound up in the toilet. Yes they took a pic and no i wont be sharing it), Sunday was pretty good. It was a beautiful day! How was everyone else's pride??
Floats & such. I told my gf I wanna march in the parade next yr. I think she thought I was playin. lol. I'm not.
Flag flyin high. But rainbow flags on lightposts aren't uncommon in SF. That's why i love the city.
Friends, fun and pride. Good combo! I was hungover like crazy. Not a good look at all.My beautiful girlfriend. I LOVE this picture! She jus got leid ;-)Although my club experience on sat nite sucked (I got way too drunk and my face wound up in the toilet. Yes they took a pic and no i wont be sharing it), Sunday was pretty good. It was a beautiful day! How was everyone else's pride??
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Let me introduce you to the Cheater...
Okay so I'm really not sure what the hell i'm doing this for because I'm already potentially in a shitload of trouble. Nothing has hit the fan yet, but after this, who knows? But I found it a little too hard to turn down this request made by such a pretty little thing...obviously. That's how I continue to get myself caught up.
So anyway, let me explain myself. I have a girl friend. We've been together for a long ass time. The longest relationship i've ever been in. I love her. And I'm in love with her. No matter what any of you think about me and my situation, no one can tell me that i'm not in love with her because you don't know me. So spare me your judgment. Like I said, I have a girl friend whom I love very much.
And then there's my sideline attraction.
Yeah I have a jump off and no i'm not ashamed. I'm not in love with her at all. I'm more so infatuated with certain parts of her. lol. Y'all get wut i'm sayin. No, my girl doesn't know about her. Fuck no. She would kill me, leave my ass high & dry and never look back. She dont play that shit. A part of me wants to tell her because I would like to explain it how I see it. I really dont want her to find out on her own cuz it'll just be all bad, trust me. So I kinda wish I could sit her down and tell her that this chick is not a threat to her. I fuck her. I deal with her only when I need to get some bullshit off my chest that I dont want to bring home to wifey because I dont wanna put the stress on her. I cant help the physical attraction. I mean shit, I still have eyes. Even though I'm wifed up, my pussy isn't prejudice. It's partial to anything fine as hell with ass and titties. Im human, sue me. But my HEART belongs to one woman and that is my girl friend. I wish she would understand that. But due to her and everyone else bein hung up on all things sexual, i know she wont understand at all...
Sometimes I think im a fucked up individual for it. Because i know my girl thinks im faithful, and I know she's faithful to me. Thinking about how much this would hurt her fucks me all up and I feel like shit. But I gotta be real with myself. I dont know how to stop. Hell I dont even know if its nautral for someone to only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Shit dont sound right to me. But u know what, if I had to make a choice between my girl and some random pussy, i'd choose my girl all day and all night. Maybe thats why I havent said anything to her yet. Cuz it scares me. Its like bein stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my girl and I know shes the last relationship I ever want to be in. But I need sex from someone else occasionally. I cant have my cake and eat it too?? I mean, damn I have friends who are literally carryin on two and three RELATIONSHIPS with other women! All tornup inside and what not. Now thats some shit. Im not even tryin to get all deep like that though. This is strictly physical. That is a little bit better. Right?
I dont know. One day I promise i'll stop the games and just do what I gotta do. But until then...my phone is ringing and I got business to take care of.
This is the final piece of my 3 pt Harsh Reality series. This is not a letter from myself or my girl friend. It's fiction people! lol. Meant to make us think a little harder about our actions and the situations we get ourselves involved in. Take a glimpse into the minds of the The Cheater, The Girlfriend and The Other Woman.
So anyway, let me explain myself. I have a girl friend. We've been together for a long ass time. The longest relationship i've ever been in. I love her. And I'm in love with her. No matter what any of you think about me and my situation, no one can tell me that i'm not in love with her because you don't know me. So spare me your judgment. Like I said, I have a girl friend whom I love very much.
And then there's my sideline attraction.
Yeah I have a jump off and no i'm not ashamed. I'm not in love with her at all. I'm more so infatuated with certain parts of her. lol. Y'all get wut i'm sayin. No, my girl doesn't know about her. Fuck no. She would kill me, leave my ass high & dry and never look back. She dont play that shit. A part of me wants to tell her because I would like to explain it how I see it. I really dont want her to find out on her own cuz it'll just be all bad, trust me. So I kinda wish I could sit her down and tell her that this chick is not a threat to her. I fuck her. I deal with her only when I need to get some bullshit off my chest that I dont want to bring home to wifey because I dont wanna put the stress on her. I cant help the physical attraction. I mean shit, I still have eyes. Even though I'm wifed up, my pussy isn't prejudice. It's partial to anything fine as hell with ass and titties. Im human, sue me. But my HEART belongs to one woman and that is my girl friend. I wish she would understand that. But due to her and everyone else bein hung up on all things sexual, i know she wont understand at all...
Sometimes I think im a fucked up individual for it. Because i know my girl thinks im faithful, and I know she's faithful to me. Thinking about how much this would hurt her fucks me all up and I feel like shit. But I gotta be real with myself. I dont know how to stop. Hell I dont even know if its nautral for someone to only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Shit dont sound right to me. But u know what, if I had to make a choice between my girl and some random pussy, i'd choose my girl all day and all night. Maybe thats why I havent said anything to her yet. Cuz it scares me. Its like bein stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my girl and I know shes the last relationship I ever want to be in. But I need sex from someone else occasionally. I cant have my cake and eat it too?? I mean, damn I have friends who are literally carryin on two and three RELATIONSHIPS with other women! All tornup inside and what not. Now thats some shit. Im not even tryin to get all deep like that though. This is strictly physical. That is a little bit better. Right?
I dont know. One day I promise i'll stop the games and just do what I gotta do. But until then...my phone is ringing and I got business to take care of.
This is the final piece of my 3 pt Harsh Reality series. This is not a letter from myself or my girl friend. It's fiction people! lol. Meant to make us think a little harder about our actions and the situations we get ourselves involved in. Take a glimpse into the minds of the The Cheater, The Girlfriend and The Other Woman.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Let me introduce you to The Girl Friend
My name is _______ and i'm wifey. My girl and I have been together for a little over three years now and I love her to death. At first when I was asked to participate in this I wasn't too sure how well it would go over because she's a private person and would prefer for our home life to stay between us, but what the hell. There's nothing wrong with expressing and discussing our love for each other, right?
Like I said, we've been together for a good little minute. So far things are cool. I mean it's been like any other relationship. Ups and downs, times where i'm floatin on cloud 9 and moments where I wanna strangle her. lol. u know, typical stuff. I feel like i've lucked out on a good one though. I've been there done that with other females who were seriously on that bullshit and I told my girl from jump that i'm done with the unnecessary drama. Don't have any time for games any more. She said she was on the same vibe. We've done a fairly good job at bypassing all the craziness, I must say. But lately I have had a few reasons to pause. Haven't said anything to her about it yet because knowing me, it could just be nothin...I dont know. I just kinda feel strange. Like maybe she's pulling away from me. We've gone thru this before, where she or I have something on our minds and we kinda shut down for a day or so. It was nothing to worry about really. But this just feels different. You know when there's just something lingering in the air, like a cross between unspoken tension and extreme awkwardness. Even the silence has been wierd. I feel like she's going through something, or like something is heavily on her mind, but she hasn't come to me about it. I'm not use to that. Im always here for her and she has always been able to come talk to me. So this silent treatment is trippin me out. I just can't really put my finger on it but something is wrong with her.
If there's one thing I hate, she knows I can't stand playing guessing games. Trying to figure out what I could've possibly done wrong or trying to pull info out of her. I'm not her mother and she's not a child. I'm not gonna sit here and force her to talk to me, i'm just sayin. It would be nice if she would. Because I really don't like this feeling. Yeah yeah I know I worry about shit at the drop of a dime even if it's not that big of a deal. But you know. I just wanna make sure nothin is wrong with my baby. Is that a bad thing? I was just talkin to one of my girls and she doesn't think I have anything to trip off of because we're so solid. It's not like she's cheating on me or anything. lol. I agree with her. I really don't wanna make this out to be about anything bigger than what it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn't even say anything....
This is part 2 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 3- The Cheater. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....
If you haven't done so already, click here to check out Pt 1 The Other Woman
Like I said, we've been together for a good little minute. So far things are cool. I mean it's been like any other relationship. Ups and downs, times where i'm floatin on cloud 9 and moments where I wanna strangle her. lol. u know, typical stuff. I feel like i've lucked out on a good one though. I've been there done that with other females who were seriously on that bullshit and I told my girl from jump that i'm done with the unnecessary drama. Don't have any time for games any more. She said she was on the same vibe. We've done a fairly good job at bypassing all the craziness, I must say. But lately I have had a few reasons to pause. Haven't said anything to her about it yet because knowing me, it could just be nothin...I dont know. I just kinda feel strange. Like maybe she's pulling away from me. We've gone thru this before, where she or I have something on our minds and we kinda shut down for a day or so. It was nothing to worry about really. But this just feels different. You know when there's just something lingering in the air, like a cross between unspoken tension and extreme awkwardness. Even the silence has been wierd. I feel like she's going through something, or like something is heavily on her mind, but she hasn't come to me about it. I'm not use to that. Im always here for her and she has always been able to come talk to me. So this silent treatment is trippin me out. I just can't really put my finger on it but something is wrong with her.
If there's one thing I hate, she knows I can't stand playing guessing games. Trying to figure out what I could've possibly done wrong or trying to pull info out of her. I'm not her mother and she's not a child. I'm not gonna sit here and force her to talk to me, i'm just sayin. It would be nice if she would. Because I really don't like this feeling. Yeah yeah I know I worry about shit at the drop of a dime even if it's not that big of a deal. But you know. I just wanna make sure nothin is wrong with my baby. Is that a bad thing? I was just talkin to one of my girls and she doesn't think I have anything to trip off of because we're so solid. It's not like she's cheating on me or anything. lol. I agree with her. I really don't wanna make this out to be about anything bigger than what it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn't even say anything....
This is part 2 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 3- The Cheater. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....
If you haven't done so already, click here to check out Pt 1 The Other Woman
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Let me introduce you to the Other Woman
My name is ______ but for today's purposes you can call me the Other Woman. Don't try to call me out in public though because trust, i'll flash on you. You don't know me like that, so don't try me. Anyway, I've been asked to give you a run down of what i'm all about. It's an odd request, but hey. No one knows me or my situation like I do so I think I got this.
My first point I need to make is that as the Other Woman, I've mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I don't care about what anyone else has to say, feel or think about what I do. When you're in the position i'm in, you really dont have any room for sensitivity, or even much sensibility if you think about it. I saw what I wanted, and I went for it. Didn't matter what the situation was on her end. I knew I wanted her on my team. So I recruited her. She obliged, so obviously things weren't so great on her end anyway...
We as women have been trained to take no for an answer and to stay in our lane and do as we're told. I say bullshit on that. Despite someone appearing to be off limits, if I think she'll look better on my arm and in between my sheets, i'm going for it. Why not? I can smell unhappiness a mile away. Why would someone wanna stay in an unhappy situation? My thing is I know how to put a smile on someone's face in more ways than one. I do for a woman what their girlfriend at home won't or can't do. And I do it well. If wifey was up on her game, maybe there wouldn't be any room for me. Or maybe their would...
Because you see, all too often people like to put the blame on the one being wronged. Oh she must not have been satisfying her girl. She must have been a bitch to be around. The relationship was already over anyway. Etcetera. But that's not always the case and don't let anyone trick you into believing that the only time you can get your woman snatched away from you is if y'all are fallin apart at the seams. No ma'am. Sometimes the grass just looks greener over here in my part of town. Doesn't mean you're necessarily doing everything wrong. It just means i'm doing at least one thing in particular very right.
Another important piece of information you might need to know is that as the Other Woman, it is not my job to feel bad for the girl friend. So please, ladies, don't come to me crying and begging for your girl friend back, cursing me out and asking me how could I possibly do this to another woman. lol. Maybe because it's been done to me. Because I don't know you from a can of dusty ass paint and even if I do,like I said before i've trained myself to not give a fuck. Your tears mean nothing to me as long as your girl is happy with me and is keeping me how I need to be kept. So spare me.
My last insightful tidbit into my world is that as the Other Woman, i'm virtually free of any obligations. This is helpful for the woman i'm cheating with and for the girl friend at home. If i'm rubbed the wrong way, I can and will make life worse than living hell for everyone involved. I know the range of my power and i'm not afraid of it. Which leads me to ask this question. Knowing just how much trouble I can and will cause if i'm pushed to that limit & not given all that I require, am i really that worth it??? Hmm.
I must be cuz y'all mufuckas keep fallin for me time & time again...
This is part 1 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 2- The Girl Friend. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....
My first point I need to make is that as the Other Woman, I've mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I don't care about what anyone else has to say, feel or think about what I do. When you're in the position i'm in, you really dont have any room for sensitivity, or even much sensibility if you think about it. I saw what I wanted, and I went for it. Didn't matter what the situation was on her end. I knew I wanted her on my team. So I recruited her. She obliged, so obviously things weren't so great on her end anyway...
We as women have been trained to take no for an answer and to stay in our lane and do as we're told. I say bullshit on that. Despite someone appearing to be off limits, if I think she'll look better on my arm and in between my sheets, i'm going for it. Why not? I can smell unhappiness a mile away. Why would someone wanna stay in an unhappy situation? My thing is I know how to put a smile on someone's face in more ways than one. I do for a woman what their girlfriend at home won't or can't do. And I do it well. If wifey was up on her game, maybe there wouldn't be any room for me. Or maybe their would...
Because you see, all too often people like to put the blame on the one being wronged. Oh she must not have been satisfying her girl. She must have been a bitch to be around. The relationship was already over anyway. Etcetera. But that's not always the case and don't let anyone trick you into believing that the only time you can get your woman snatched away from you is if y'all are fallin apart at the seams. No ma'am. Sometimes the grass just looks greener over here in my part of town. Doesn't mean you're necessarily doing everything wrong. It just means i'm doing at least one thing in particular very right.
Another important piece of information you might need to know is that as the Other Woman, it is not my job to feel bad for the girl friend. So please, ladies, don't come to me crying and begging for your girl friend back, cursing me out and asking me how could I possibly do this to another woman. lol. Maybe because it's been done to me. Because I don't know you from a can of dusty ass paint and even if I do,like I said before i've trained myself to not give a fuck. Your tears mean nothing to me as long as your girl is happy with me and is keeping me how I need to be kept. So spare me.
My last insightful tidbit into my world is that as the Other Woman, i'm virtually free of any obligations. This is helpful for the woman i'm cheating with and for the girl friend at home. If i'm rubbed the wrong way, I can and will make life worse than living hell for everyone involved. I know the range of my power and i'm not afraid of it. Which leads me to ask this question. Knowing just how much trouble I can and will cause if i'm pushed to that limit & not given all that I require, am i really that worth it??? Hmm.
I must be cuz y'all mufuckas keep fallin for me time & time again...
This is part 1 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 2- The Girl Friend. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....
"Being gay is a gift from God"
That's what the good reverend Ed Bacon said yesterday on Oprah's show, Spirituality 101. Oprah and I were both in awe like whaaaaaat? Did a clergymember really just say being gay is a gift from God? Is this a joke? Is it opposite day or sumthin? Like we were really stuck for a second. [O and I :-) ] He didn't really flesh that statement out much besides saying that being born who you are is never a mistake, but he was adamant when he said it and everyone else on the panel agreed with him. Of course my mind began to unpack that bold statement to see what kind of back up he could have possibly used to support his liberating view.
Being gay is a gift from God because:
Being gay is a gift from God because:
- It's a natural form of population control. Two women and two men can not reproduce without any outside help. (duh) Surrogacy or surgical procedures can allow same-sex couples to experience parenthood, but for those who may not have the finances to do so, adoption is usally a go-to method. Adopting children does not add to the already ridiculous population rate, it allows a child the chance to be raised in a stable, loving environment with parents who love them. Sounds like a miracle to me.
- It gives everyone the chance to figure out what truly makes them happy as a person. Everything is not for everyone. Just because Sally likes Dick doesn't mean Emily will like him too. Maybe Emily is more enticed, refreshed and loved by Steffany. Whatever works for you to make your life the best it can possibly be.
- God doesn't make mistakes. He made each and every one of us and i'm a firm believer that we are born ASEXUAL with no tendencies towards either sex because we're compeletely innocent & void of sexuality. But when we get a little older (for some its as young as 5, for others its as old as 65.) and start experiencing the world and seeing what we like and dislike, I think our sexual orientation is a natural disposition that God instills in us and sits back to wait for us to find it, figure it out & grow comfortable with it.
- Gay people are fabulous. We really are some of the most creative, talented, inventive, off the cusp, quirky, detail-oriented, skilled, opinionated, passionate people on earth. I love us.
So yeah. I can see how being gay is most definitely a gift from God. Hearing this made my day yesterday & I hope others jump on this bandwagon because its definitely long overdue.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Getting back to a happy place
I haven't really been inspired to post this week for various reasons. I'm not going thru writers block at all. Quite the opposite. I have lots on my mind that I could write about, but it all feels too personal to me. I know this is my blog and I can steer it any way I see fit, but I didn't necessarily want this spot to turn into my private lesbian soap box, you know? So I think i've come up with a safe post for the day that can incorporate some relevancy for me and possibly something my readers can relate to.
Happy places
I believe our lives are filled with many different facets of function that need attention, TLC & support. Typical categories are career/school goals, intimate relationships, friends & family relationships, and extracurricular activities/hobbies. Sometimes, I am blessed to have a happy balance between all aspects of my life. I live & breathe for those moments. Its a beatiful thing to have a stable job I enjoy, ace all of my classes, have great conections with friends & fam, enjoy abundant writing sessions, all while floating on cloud 69 with my gf.
And then I wake up.
Unfortunately that type of harmony doesn't last very long, at least not in Chanel's world. Most times I can manage a little healthy discord. Give me a B on an assignment and I use it as motivation to bust my ass a little harder. If I have a bad case of writer's block, it usually means I'm overthinking stuff and just need to give myself a break. If my gf & I get into it about something retarded, sometimes it means we just feel like picking on each other, or it's a sign of something deeper we need to fix. Thats all fine & dandy occasionally. But when it starts feeling like the air I breathe is filled with negativity, doubt, hesitancy, frustration, anger, disregard & paranoia...it's time to take a serious timeout.
No one is happy all of the time. It's impossible unless you're on some type of illegal pyschadelic mushroom. So i'm not expecting that. But I do expect to be able to stay on track towards a safe happy place more often than not.
So what to do what to do?? Can you force yourself into a happy place? Or do I have to just sit and wait for it?
Happy places
I believe our lives are filled with many different facets of function that need attention, TLC & support. Typical categories are career/school goals, intimate relationships, friends & family relationships, and extracurricular activities/hobbies. Sometimes, I am blessed to have a happy balance between all aspects of my life. I live & breathe for those moments. Its a beatiful thing to have a stable job I enjoy, ace all of my classes, have great conections with friends & fam, enjoy abundant writing sessions, all while floating on cloud 69 with my gf.
And then I wake up.
Unfortunately that type of harmony doesn't last very long, at least not in Chanel's world. Most times I can manage a little healthy discord. Give me a B on an assignment and I use it as motivation to bust my ass a little harder. If I have a bad case of writer's block, it usually means I'm overthinking stuff and just need to give myself a break. If my gf & I get into it about something retarded, sometimes it means we just feel like picking on each other, or it's a sign of something deeper we need to fix. Thats all fine & dandy occasionally. But when it starts feeling like the air I breathe is filled with negativity, doubt, hesitancy, frustration, anger, disregard & paranoia...it's time to take a serious timeout.
No one is happy all of the time. It's impossible unless you're on some type of illegal pyschadelic mushroom. So i'm not expecting that. But I do expect to be able to stay on track towards a safe happy place more often than not.
So what to do what to do?? Can you force yourself into a happy place? Or do I have to just sit and wait for it?
Monday, June 8, 2009
Bigger & Better
Good morning & happy Monday! Inspite of it being Monday, it is a beyoutiful day out here in Cali and i'm in a refreshingly good mood. If I can make this last thruout the week i'll be good to go!
So I've been thinking about this blog, and my writing interests and where I wanna go from here. The Rainbow Room has truly turned into something I thoroughly enjoy keeping up and I love the fact that I learn so much by expressing my thoughts and soaking in all of the responses. I brought it up to my gf that since I already own a domain name (blurbsandverbs.com) but haven't done anything with it yet, maybe i'll port this blog over there and throw in a few extra things to make it a more interactive lesbian-geared site. My mind is overflowing with ideas so we'll see what comes of it. I'll keep you updated.
Pride is in the air!
I always get excited around this time of yr because it's all about US and we know how to do big things when the spotlight is turned our way. Despite the ass-backwardness that is Prop 8, I think San Francisco will be on fire this pride season. Not many places top the electricity that runs through the city during pride. Although i'm partial to Atlanta pride (the clubs are HOT), I will say it's still not as vibrant & happy/carefree as SF. I need a dose of vibrance & carefreeness (is that a word?) in my life right now, so i'm excited about doing pride at home this year. I plan on hitting up the parade, the castro, the after-parties and i'll pretty much be drunk the entire weekend. Good times for all! What will u be doing and which pride celebration are you attending?
So I've been thinking about this blog, and my writing interests and where I wanna go from here. The Rainbow Room has truly turned into something I thoroughly enjoy keeping up and I love the fact that I learn so much by expressing my thoughts and soaking in all of the responses. I brought it up to my gf that since I already own a domain name (blurbsandverbs.com) but haven't done anything with it yet, maybe i'll port this blog over there and throw in a few extra things to make it a more interactive lesbian-geared site. My mind is overflowing with ideas so we'll see what comes of it. I'll keep you updated.
Pride is in the air!
I always get excited around this time of yr because it's all about US and we know how to do big things when the spotlight is turned our way. Despite the ass-backwardness that is Prop 8, I think San Francisco will be on fire this pride season. Not many places top the electricity that runs through the city during pride. Although i'm partial to Atlanta pride (the clubs are HOT), I will say it's still not as vibrant & happy/carefree as SF. I need a dose of vibrance & carefreeness (is that a word?) in my life right now, so i'm excited about doing pride at home this year. I plan on hitting up the parade, the castro, the after-parties and i'll pretty much be drunk the entire weekend. Good times for all! What will u be doing and which pride celebration are you attending?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Triflin,The HOEmewreckers & the Idiots that let em move in
Abrowngirl and Kiwi's posts on similar topics inspired today's entry. So thank them & go show em some attention :)
The Homewrecker- A 3rd party who moves in on someone else when they damn well know that person is already taken. [not a websters definition but it works] This can be done intentionally (90% of the time) or unintentionally (10%). [not scientific data but it also works] Either way, you're still a homewrecker.
The Triflin- The person in the relationship who "slips" and falls on another woman's strap, finger or face. Oh & lest we not forget that cheating does not have to be physcial. So the Triflin can also be someone who falls in love/lust or any other inappropriate feelings for someone else outside of their relationship.
The Idiot- The one getting played. I hate to be so harsh because the blame should never be entirely on this person but in these situations, if you look back once its all said and done, there were usually always signs of what was going on. If you choose to overlook the signs or if you allow yourself to be blinded by love time & time again, you're an idiot. Plain and simple. Sorry.
I feel as if I can bluntly speak on all of the above because at various points in my not so long of a life, I have played all 3 roles. [hangs head in shame. lol] On my journey of becoming a stronger woman & a better girlfriend, i've been lost in thought about why people do the things we do and how to become an overall better decision maker. Since my relationship has been the catalyst for my change, I figure relationship issues are a good place to start analyzing and finding solutions to the myriad of problems. So let's tackle this cheater/cheatee thing, using myself as an example. Fun times ahead.
Why would someone settle for being a homewrecker?
When i signed up for the job as the other woman, I did so because 1) I liked the drama & adrenaline rush (see:young & stupid), 2) I was fresh out of a dysfunctional situation that was not my fault and thought hey what the hell. Might as well cause some dysfunction of my own, 3)I was flattered someone would be willing to risk ruining their security for lil ole me. and 4) I had nothing else productive to do.
So I went along for the ride filled with back seat trysts, secret texts & phonecalls, illicit meetings and an abundance of lies. I ate it up. I even went as far as meeting the girlfriend, smiling all up & in her face with a halo over my head and a knife behind my back...
Then came the day where I had the lightbulb moment: i'm better than this! So did I remove myself from the situation all together? Nope. I shoved my head even further up my ass and completed the ultimate no-no, I "stole" the girl away from her current relationship and ejected her into my life, expecting her to get a dose of act right overnite. (see: young and even more stupid) Think she took that dose? Hell to the no. She turned around and did the same shady shit to me that she did to her ex. Big surprise there. I cried the blues & cursed the world, promising to never ever get played for a fool again. It may have been a personal setback but I learned a lot from that situation that will indeed keep me from going thru it ever again, trust.
How could someone be so Triflin?
This one is just as simple to answer as any other question if you're ready to be honest with yourself. I just found that honest place within myself over the past few months & i'm ready to share. Yayyy :-) Being the cheater is not a good look. You might think it is while you're caught up in some sideline ass, but trust me, it's not very attractive and the ugliness shows as bright as day. You think you're bein slick and smooth with yours, but someone can & will see it. I've never physically cheated on anyone and i think I may have been too chicken shit in the past to do so. Currently I have no desire to do so because my head is finally on straight. [figuratively speaking] But emotional cheating can be just as painful & it's easy to fall into, even if it wasnt your original plan to do so. People are people and we will do what we are wired to do, mix & mingle and mesh with others who appease our appetites. If we meet someone who piques our interests mentally, how easy & harmless is it to strike up convo and keep it flowing? Very. Talking and befriending is not the problem. Trouble doesn't occur until talking leads to flirting which leads to mixed signals which leads to overstepping boundaries which leads to falling hard for the lure of the grass on the other side. It happens because we let it happen. Cheating is not nature playing its course. Its our decision-making skills at their ass-backward worse. I became emotionally attched to people I shouldnt have because I did not know how to properly section off my boundaries and keep a certain part of myself solely for my partner. I needed the attention from EVERYone in whichever form it came in. I did it because my head was all fucked up, I felt like I could get away with it and because my past was filled with people doing me dirty so why not join em? It caused shitloads of unecessary drama that I'll always regret and if I made smarter choices, I never would've had to endure it. Key point is: It's not hard to make the right decision when you know what your values are & it's in that moment of decision-making that your destiny is shaped.
When am I officially an idiot?
It is tricky at times to distinguish between unwarranted paranoia & genuine intuition. I get em mixed up all the time. lol. But there a few things you know you gotta pause for.
The Homewrecker- A 3rd party who moves in on someone else when they damn well know that person is already taken. [not a websters definition but it works] This can be done intentionally (90% of the time) or unintentionally (10%). [not scientific data but it also works] Either way, you're still a homewrecker.
The Triflin- The person in the relationship who "slips" and falls on another woman's strap, finger or face. Oh & lest we not forget that cheating does not have to be physcial. So the Triflin can also be someone who falls in love/lust or any other inappropriate feelings for someone else outside of their relationship.
The Idiot- The one getting played. I hate to be so harsh because the blame should never be entirely on this person but in these situations, if you look back once its all said and done, there were usually always signs of what was going on. If you choose to overlook the signs or if you allow yourself to be blinded by love time & time again, you're an idiot. Plain and simple. Sorry.
I feel as if I can bluntly speak on all of the above because at various points in my not so long of a life, I have played all 3 roles. [hangs head in shame. lol] On my journey of becoming a stronger woman & a better girlfriend, i've been lost in thought about why people do the things we do and how to become an overall better decision maker. Since my relationship has been the catalyst for my change, I figure relationship issues are a good place to start analyzing and finding solutions to the myriad of problems. So let's tackle this cheater/cheatee thing, using myself as an example. Fun times ahead.
Why would someone settle for being a homewrecker?
When i signed up for the job as the other woman, I did so because 1) I liked the drama & adrenaline rush (see:young & stupid), 2) I was fresh out of a dysfunctional situation that was not my fault and thought hey what the hell. Might as well cause some dysfunction of my own, 3)I was flattered someone would be willing to risk ruining their security for lil ole me. and 4) I had nothing else productive to do.
So I went along for the ride filled with back seat trysts, secret texts & phonecalls, illicit meetings and an abundance of lies. I ate it up. I even went as far as meeting the girlfriend, smiling all up & in her face with a halo over my head and a knife behind my back...
Then came the day where I had the lightbulb moment: i'm better than this! So did I remove myself from the situation all together? Nope. I shoved my head even further up my ass and completed the ultimate no-no, I "stole" the girl away from her current relationship and ejected her into my life, expecting her to get a dose of act right overnite. (see: young and even more stupid) Think she took that dose? Hell to the no. She turned around and did the same shady shit to me that she did to her ex. Big surprise there. I cried the blues & cursed the world, promising to never ever get played for a fool again. It may have been a personal setback but I learned a lot from that situation that will indeed keep me from going thru it ever again, trust.
How could someone be so Triflin?
This one is just as simple to answer as any other question if you're ready to be honest with yourself. I just found that honest place within myself over the past few months & i'm ready to share. Yayyy :-) Being the cheater is not a good look. You might think it is while you're caught up in some sideline ass, but trust me, it's not very attractive and the ugliness shows as bright as day. You think you're bein slick and smooth with yours, but someone can & will see it. I've never physically cheated on anyone and i think I may have been too chicken shit in the past to do so. Currently I have no desire to do so because my head is finally on straight. [figuratively speaking] But emotional cheating can be just as painful & it's easy to fall into, even if it wasnt your original plan to do so. People are people and we will do what we are wired to do, mix & mingle and mesh with others who appease our appetites. If we meet someone who piques our interests mentally, how easy & harmless is it to strike up convo and keep it flowing? Very. Talking and befriending is not the problem. Trouble doesn't occur until talking leads to flirting which leads to mixed signals which leads to overstepping boundaries which leads to falling hard for the lure of the grass on the other side. It happens because we let it happen. Cheating is not nature playing its course. Its our decision-making skills at their ass-backward worse. I became emotionally attched to people I shouldnt have because I did not know how to properly section off my boundaries and keep a certain part of myself solely for my partner. I needed the attention from EVERYone in whichever form it came in. I did it because my head was all fucked up, I felt like I could get away with it and because my past was filled with people doing me dirty so why not join em? It caused shitloads of unecessary drama that I'll always regret and if I made smarter choices, I never would've had to endure it. Key point is: It's not hard to make the right decision when you know what your values are & it's in that moment of decision-making that your destiny is shaped.
When am I officially an idiot?
It is tricky at times to distinguish between unwarranted paranoia & genuine intuition. I get em mixed up all the time. lol. But there a few things you know you gotta pause for.
- If you keep having that nagging feeling in the crevices of your soul that sumthin just aint right, and you choose to ignore it. You're an idiot.
- If your significant other can't keep someone elses name out of their mouth that you have never met and you don't push the issue of making that meet up happen sooner than later, you're an idiot. If she's important enough for all this extra attention, then she's important enough to be introduced to you as well.
- If you can't hold on to your significant other's cell phone for ten minutes without them sweating bullets & asking questions & you dont say shit about it, you're an idiot.
- If your partner has to take phone calls "privately" [privacy is anywhere YOU aren't], and you don't find out what the business is, you're an idiot.
- If you've caught & confronted your partner about cheating and ain't shit changing about the situation and you're still there when they get home tonight, you're an idiot.
- If you never open your mouth to express your feelings about whatever it is that's bothering you out of fear of what the other person might do to you, you're an idiot & you're in an abusive relationship.
- If you are OKAY with sharing your partner with the next chick AND you're getting yours on the side too AND everyone involved is happy....
you're an idiot
Okay so that's all for Sex & Relationships 101 today. Agree? Disagree? Couldnt care less cuz u didn't have the patience to read it all?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
So you say she's just a friend...
Happy Tuesday everyone! Im tryin to be all excited about it & give off positive vibes, but anyone who knows me knows that I truly can not get excited over any day of the week besides the love of my life a.k.a FRIDAY. But still. Happy Tuesday.
So let's talk about friends. I've been making them my entire life. Never really had a problem making and keeping friends when I was younger because I was very friendly, a social butterfly of sorts and kept myself out there like that. Plus everyone just likes me :-) But i'm noticing that as I get older (i'm talkin like 25 is next to death) my readiness to open up and befriend people has dwindled down to very meager levels. I believe there are quite a few reasons for this, including the fact that i'm busy as hell and really have no free time to galavant the streets how I use to. Thats just something I can't help right now. But something I should be able to control but really dont have much of a clue where to start is how to initiate and maintain close friendships while in a serious relationship without letting the green-eyed jealousy bandit rear its head on either side.
I'm alittle a lot envious of people who are able to balance friendships and relationships with perfect precision. I've never been good at it. Someone always ends up mad at me. My friends cuz i spend too much time under my gf, or my gf cuz she feels neglected , or worse threatened, by my closeness with my friends. Its just too much. So that led me to kinda drop the friendship ball & I didnt feel too bad about it because my current gf has become one of my best friends anyway! Which is a good thing. The problem arises though when 1 or both people in the relationship start to feel the pressure of always being together, never hanging out with other people, thus experiencing overkill. NOT a good thing. But what do you do now that you're use to having all of someone's attention, and you're use to only having to cater to one person? It's hard to just break habits and jump back into having a social life. lol. It's also close to impossible to be willing and ready to let go of a chunk of your gf's time, space, and opportunity. Yes, i've become a selfish greedy girlfriend hog and I don't know how to stop it :-(
I dont know why, when, where or how this happened. Kinda blind-sided me because i've never been a clingy person. Ever. I never liked being up under any of my significant others 24/7. I use to need my own space to breathe and just do me. I use to really not care about whoever I was with having friends and hanging out without me because I could just go do the same thing. And if I wasn't hanging out with other people, I'd be perfectly fine being by my damn self at home! That Chanel is no longer among us. But someone needs to find her and bring her ass back quick fast and in a hurry cuz this new Chanel is NOT the bizness. I repeat : idontlikeher
Blah.
I just wanna enjoy my relationship, enjoy my girl friend, enjoy other people appropriately, and honestly trust that she can and will do the same without any bull shit and drama on either side from any one. Why is this so hard?
So let's talk about friends. I've been making them my entire life. Never really had a problem making and keeping friends when I was younger because I was very friendly, a social butterfly of sorts and kept myself out there like that. Plus everyone just likes me :-) But i'm noticing that as I get older (i'm talkin like 25 is next to death) my readiness to open up and befriend people has dwindled down to very meager levels. I believe there are quite a few reasons for this, including the fact that i'm busy as hell and really have no free time to galavant the streets how I use to. Thats just something I can't help right now. But something I should be able to control but really dont have much of a clue where to start is how to initiate and maintain close friendships while in a serious relationship without letting the green-eyed jealousy bandit rear its head on either side.
I'm a
I dont know why, when, where or how this happened. Kinda blind-sided me because i've never been a clingy person. Ever. I never liked being up under any of my significant others 24/7. I use to need my own space to breathe and just do me. I use to really not care about whoever I was with having friends and hanging out without me because I could just go do the same thing. And if I wasn't hanging out with other people, I'd be perfectly fine being by my damn self at home! That Chanel is no longer among us. But someone needs to find her and bring her ass back quick fast and in a hurry cuz this new Chanel is NOT the bizness. I repeat : idontlikeher
Blah.
I just wanna enjoy my relationship, enjoy my girl friend, enjoy other people appropriately, and honestly trust that she can and will do the same without any bull shit and drama on either side from any one. Why is this so hard?
Friday, May 29, 2009
The saddest breakup
I cant watch this without crying...yeah yeah i know im a big baby. What can I say?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
What's yours is mine and what's mine is...well, mine.
I haven't blogged since Tragic Tuesday cuz I haven't been feelin it at all. But, since I will be M.I.A for the next 3 days, I decided to post a lil sumthin. Let's talk about selfishness. After the prop 8 fiasco, and my post on monogamy, I think selfishness is a fitting topic. Y'all know I love starting with definitions.
Selfishness- To be devoted to or care only for oneself, concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits and and well-being.
We were all taught that being selfish is not a good look. You don't make or keep friends by solely looking out for yourself. It's better to put others first and to take joy in giving rather than receiving. And I agree with all of the above. But what some aren't taught is that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to get you through. Being completely selflLESS (opposite of selfish in case u didnt know, lol) can get you in a lot of trouble depending on the company you keep. You will be taken advantage of, mistaken as a push over, milked and drained dry. So there does come a time where you need to say back the fuck up and let me do me for a minute. You don't necessarily have to be so rude, that's just me ;-)
Now I have a question: Under what circumstance is being selfish an okay thing to do when you're in a relationship?
When you're wifed up (even if it's not legal grrr), its common thought to share and share alike under all circumstances. Money, food, belongings, time, etc. It's all thrown into one big free for all pool where both of u can excessively have at it. Is this the best way to do things? Or is it best to ration certain things out to your own discretion? Those of you in relationships, how do you and your partner handle things? Is it to each her own or do you share across the board?
Selfishness- To be devoted to or care only for oneself, concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits and and well-being.
We were all taught that being selfish is not a good look. You don't make or keep friends by solely looking out for yourself. It's better to put others first and to take joy in giving rather than receiving. And I agree with all of the above. But what some aren't taught is that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to get you through. Being completely selflLESS (opposite of selfish in case u didnt know, lol) can get you in a lot of trouble depending on the company you keep. You will be taken advantage of, mistaken as a push over, milked and drained dry. So there does come a time where you need to say back the fuck up and let me do me for a minute. You don't necessarily have to be so rude, that's just me ;-)
Now I have a question: Under what circumstance is being selfish an okay thing to do when you're in a relationship?
When you're wifed up (even if it's not legal grrr), its common thought to share and share alike under all circumstances. Money, food, belongings, time, etc. It's all thrown into one big free for all pool where both of u can excessively have at it. Is this the best way to do things? Or is it best to ration certain things out to your own discretion? Those of you in relationships, how do you and your partner handle things? Is it to each her own or do you share across the board?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Taking bets on prop 8! [updated]
So i'm sitting here at work on this bright California Tuesday morning. Had quite an um...interesting weekend to put it mildly. Week actually. No, make that an interesting month. But I think this weekend kinda capped it all off. I hope. Maybe I can move along and be done with the drama. Spring semester is DONE woooo hoo! So I dont have school to stress over, at least for the next 3 weeks. Life can only get better from here.
Oh but there is that little Prop 8 thing. Most of u should know that the CA court will be giving its decision today around 10am regarding the ban- does it stay or does it go? Im hoping for an American Idolesque upset. Like I want the judges to come trotting out waving rainbow flags while telling the prop 8 supporters to shove their ban up their ignorant asses.
A gay girl can dream BUT I know I can't have it all so i'll just settle for a vote to overturn the ban and let us marry!
My fingers are crossed. Im trying not to get my hopes too high up there because...well just because i know how this shit goes. But im a tad bit hopeful. I mean it really is ridiculous to think that California even has to go through all this. For a state that supposedly leads the country towards all things progressive, we sure as hell are slacking on this one. I mean Vermont and Iowa beat us to it!? Come on now.
So here's to hoping that my Tuesday will be an amazing one and that California will finally take a step away from the darkside cuz if not, i'm seriously considering moving to Canada.
Stay tuned as i update....
10:12 am as reported on CNN, CA courts rule to keep ban in place but the couples who have already married prior to the ban will remain legally bound.
In other words, congrats to those who rushed to city hall before Nov. 4 2008 and a big giant FUCK YOU YOU DONT MATTER EVEN THO YOU PAY TAXES LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE to the rest of us gay people who didnt get married then but would most definitely like to one day before I'm dead and gone. I cant do this today. They just pissed me off. Any hope that I did have has been dashed and buried now...
Oh but there is that little Prop 8 thing. Most of u should know that the CA court will be giving its decision today around 10am regarding the ban- does it stay or does it go? Im hoping for an American Idolesque upset. Like I want the judges to come trotting out waving rainbow flags while telling the prop 8 supporters to shove their ban up their ignorant asses.
A gay girl can dream BUT I know I can't have it all so i'll just settle for a vote to overturn the ban and let us marry!
My fingers are crossed. Im trying not to get my hopes too high up there because...well just because i know how this shit goes. But im a tad bit hopeful. I mean it really is ridiculous to think that California even has to go through all this. For a state that supposedly leads the country towards all things progressive, we sure as hell are slacking on this one. I mean Vermont and Iowa beat us to it!? Come on now.
So here's to hoping that my Tuesday will be an amazing one and that California will finally take a step away from the darkside cuz if not, i'm seriously considering moving to Canada.
Stay tuned as i update....
10:12 am as reported on CNN, CA courts rule to keep ban in place but the couples who have already married prior to the ban will remain legally bound.
In other words, congrats to those who rushed to city hall before Nov. 4 2008 and a big giant FUCK YOU YOU DONT MATTER EVEN THO YOU PAY TAXES LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE to the rest of us gay people who didnt get married then but would most definitely like to one day before I'm dead and gone. I cant do this today. They just pissed me off. Any hope that I did have has been dashed and buried now...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday blues
The song asks should I just keep chasing pavements
If I only had the option
its like pavements are chasing me
crushing my leverage
stifling my air
brick walls and falling bridges at every turn
I'm desperately seeking help
not a hand, but a heart
something to let me know that its okay to get comfortable with the fact that it may never be okay....
Such a tragic inevitability
karma
is a bitch and so was I
Nice to meet you
I extend my hand, not to greet you but to snatch my soul back from your lethal grasp
Stop time and rewind it back to the day before mistakes were made
Made like the bed i'm now forced to lie in
because i failed to rise above the bullshit and drama
But its a new day! I sang
I smiled and promised to never turn back towards the past
Let it simmer behind me, a constant heat
Serving as a reminder that when you play with fire....
If I only had the option
its like pavements are chasing me
crushing my leverage
stifling my air
brick walls and falling bridges at every turn
I'm desperately seeking help
not a hand, but a heart
something to let me know that its okay to get comfortable with the fact that it may never be okay....
Such a tragic inevitability
karma
is a bitch and so was I
Nice to meet you
I extend my hand, not to greet you but to snatch my soul back from your lethal grasp
Stop time and rewind it back to the day before mistakes were made
Made like the bed i'm now forced to lie in
because i failed to rise above the bullshit and drama
But its a new day! I sang
I smiled and promised to never turn back towards the past
Let it simmer behind me, a constant heat
Serving as a reminder that when you play with fire....
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Hurt me
Hurt me
because u want to
because it feels good...even though the truth behind it all hurts even worse
Hurt me
for your sanity
for your bruises
for your boulevard of broken dreams
Hurt me
how u know you need to
how u feel u should have long before it became the only thing you remember how to do
Hurt me
for some get back
for some attention
for a release
for a purpose that will escape you years from now
when all that will be left is a shield of infected scars
and remnants of a battle that produced two casualties of an ill-fought war
Hurt me
to numb your own pain
to boost your own ego
to strengthen your own bond with this new side of yourself that smells blood
throws salt
claws the ground
and suffers silently
Hurt me
because it will never be enough
Not peace
solidarity
unity
forgiveness
redemption
honesty
not even love
all pales in comparison to the potency of pain
hurt me so the story can come to an end
That's what im use to you know
Whichever form it comes in
i hurt you u hurt me
u hurt me first i hurt u last u hurt me again...
i hurt myself best
so hurt me
at least i'll be among familiar company
i'll cry familiar tears
feel familiar guilt
pity
shame
loss
anger
resentment stopping short of hate...or maybe not
doesnt matter as long as you reach your goal
so hurt me
and make it count
make it sting
burn
fester
boil over
and spill in abundance
seep into the purest of my spiritual soil
reaping more of what drove you to hurt me in the first place...
-Chanel
because u want to
because it feels good...even though the truth behind it all hurts even worse
Hurt me
for your sanity
for your bruises
for your boulevard of broken dreams
Hurt me
how u know you need to
how u feel u should have long before it became the only thing you remember how to do
Hurt me
for some get back
for some attention
for a release
for a purpose that will escape you years from now
when all that will be left is a shield of infected scars
and remnants of a battle that produced two casualties of an ill-fought war
Hurt me
to numb your own pain
to boost your own ego
to strengthen your own bond with this new side of yourself that smells blood
throws salt
claws the ground
and suffers silently
Hurt me
because it will never be enough
Not peace
solidarity
unity
forgiveness
redemption
honesty
not even love
all pales in comparison to the potency of pain
hurt me so the story can come to an end
That's what im use to you know
Whichever form it comes in
i hurt you u hurt me
u hurt me first i hurt u last u hurt me again...
i hurt myself best
so hurt me
at least i'll be among familiar company
i'll cry familiar tears
feel familiar guilt
pity
shame
loss
anger
resentment stopping short of hate...or maybe not
doesnt matter as long as you reach your goal
so hurt me
and make it count
make it sting
burn
fester
boil over
and spill in abundance
seep into the purest of my spiritual soil
reaping more of what drove you to hurt me in the first place...
-Chanel
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Im gonna make some people mad @ me....
But i've been known to ruffle a few feathers. Why stop now?
Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.
I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:
Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.
I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:
- No need to sneak behind someone's back to cheat.
- Open communication about needs and wants
- Bypass the whole "feeling trapped" syndrome because u get to have sex with someone else from time to time and not get your ass kicked for it. I don't care what anyone says, everyone has or will feel trapped at one point, even if the relationship is peaches & cream.
- Variety is the spice of life
So my question is how awful would it be to try this method? If you've reached a point in your relationship where you know you want to be with someone else forever, you know you plan on making a life with someone.... but every now and then you can't help having a strong physical attraction to someone else..... wouldn't it relieve pressure to implement the revolving open door policy? Imean if it's oh so natural for eyes to wander from time to time & if "itches" are inevitable, why not make it easier to deal with?
OR would it just cause that much more drama ? Would this work for you? Anyone ever tried it?
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