Not exactly lesbianish, but still...it's a post.

I, and it seems like the majority of people around me, are doing a lot of self-reflection these days. It's a popular thing to do at this time of the year. Trying to figure out what went wrong over the last twelve months and promise not to make the same mistakes in the new year. The whole new years resolution thing is a bunch of crap to me because they are very rarely stuck to, but ehhh *shrug*, if it's your thing, go for it!!!

As for myself, I want to take some time to think about one of the main things that has helped me make it through 2010 and what I will most definitely carry with me into 2011 and beyond: SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-love, self-esteem, self-security, etc. Different name, same advantages.

Life is a hot sticky unrelenting mess. People are going to bullshit you up and down a wall. You're gonna get your heart smashed into pieces more than once. So-called friends will stab u in the back with rusty knives. Family will take advantage of their positions and will drag you through the gutter. Some days will be long and hectic, some nights will be cold and lonely. Your feelings will get disregarded. Your emotions will be schizo. Your tears will fall and often, no one will be there to help wipe them away. Sleep will sometimes happen, other times, insomnia will be your best friend. Stress is guaranteed. People will come in and out of your life as if you are nothing but a revolving door for their personal abuse. Yeah. Process that. Then realize this:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL HAVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT...IS YOURSELF. I am not saying that you wont have a handful of people in your life who will stick by you through it all. If you're blessed, you will have at least one person. But tomorrow is not promised, and if something happens to that person, you are still left with who???...yourself. If you do not love yourself, why should you expect anyone else to?

We invest so much time in other people. Those who we love and want to have relationships/friendships with. We pour time, effort, hugs & kisses, conversations, gifts, love letters, vacations, tears and laughter into others in order to show how much we care and cherish them. But we treat ourselves like filth by lying to ourselves, depriving ourselves of happiness, staying in horrible situations, punishing ourselves for things we should have BEEN let go of, hanging on to people who mean us nothing but harm, degrading ourselves through actions AND thoughts, subscribing to self-doubt, and carrying the blame for things that will always be outside of our control. We treat ourselves like shit...yet we get angry when other people don't love us how we claim we want to be loved....hmmm

Something is wrong with this picture.

I know that I am not God's gift to the world. But dammit, I have to believe that I'm worth it at least to MYSELF because I gotta live with MYSELF for the rest of my life, and I refuse to be miserable with myself. REPEAT: I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I am not perfect. I have flaws the size of Texas and an attitude problem the length of the Nile. I have hurt people that I care about and will regret it for the rest of my life. I have been hurt by people I loved and will probably always have residue left behind from it. I can be difficult to deal with and I have a long way to go to truly learn the value of selfless and patient love. I know that anyone who decides that I am worth loving, deserves some type of special recognition [oscar nomination, lifetime achievement award, sumthin] BUT I know that I am worth it. I have things to offer that should be appreciated and embraced. I know how to love and I should be loved back. I am the only ME walking this earth and I only have one shot at it so why make the mistake of trying to love everyone else while depriving myself??

The quickest way to fail at every single thing you are trying to succeed at is to attempt it while doubting/hating/discounting yourself.

So, I'm asking you to step outside of your fear and take baby steps down the path of self-love and self-preservation. It will be the single most important journey of your life and it's never too late to start.

Please have a beautifully blessed Christmas and a fun and SAFE New year :-)

Thank you for reading my blog. You don't know how much I appreciate it...