Keep in mind that this blog is devoted to all things GAY. That means any news, advice, entertainment, literature, reviews, jokes,polls, etc will be completely curved. I might give it to you with no chaser but it definitely wont be STRAIGHT!
I was minding my business on Facebook when I came across this comment:
There is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having feelings for them. Me and my girl both find people attractive, but having specific feelings for another person is not okay. The day she develops feelings with someone else is the day we have to end it. I don't share. If she loved me or was "in love" with me she wouldn't have feelings for anyone else.
Of course, this got me thinking about relationships and monogamy. Most of us seem to be striving for that certain type of love. I hesitate to say a "fairytale romance" because I don't know what that means. But y'all get what I'm saying. The kind of romance that makes you wanna speed 85mph, rushing home to milk every golden second that you possibly can with your love. The relationship that makes you say yes way more often than no. Kisses that tease smiles from the corners of your lips and quiet moments of intimacy that seem to go on and on...and on. Most of us want that. But when we find it, how long can we really keep it?
Forever is a long time. I've heard that nothing lasts forever and the only thing that goes on and on for eternity is death. [cue morbid music] So what does that mean for the state of amazing relationships? If the relationship is that amazing, one would want to hold on to that person, and only that person, for dear life....right? I would think so. But then I blink and reality seeps back in. Even amazing, love-song inspired, gone with wind-esque meets Romeo and Juliet [without the suicide] romances are susceptible to human error, lust, need, and greed. As expressed in the comment above, most of us have eyes that work, and we are bound to find people attractive outside of our nucleus relationships. I don't find anything particularly wrong with that. I'm reasonable enough to know that my ass, hips, lips, thighs and other delicious parts aren't the only delicacies in the world. So look and look some more, as long as you don't touch.
But how realistic is it to set those parameters on a relationship that two ppl intend to stay in forever? "Baby, I wanna be with you until you die. Which hopefully wont be for a good 60 yrs. And in those 60 years, i expect you to ONLY have sex with me, myself, and I. Not including masturbation. Carry on."O_o
It's a great thought. Having the kind of love that sustains any and all temptation. But is it a better thought than being in a relationship where either person can choose to pursue a physical connection with someone else every now and then as long as the act is fully disclosed?? And if you do have some type of physical arrangement that works for you, what do you do when emotions come to play? Some people say physical indiscretions are way easier to forgive and brush off than emotional. So if your life partner emotionally cheats...do you walk away? Even if you want that person with everything in you...
Is it possible to be in love with someone even if you are not emotionally committed to them?
I could go on and on with the questions so i'll stop there and give up the floor.
A rather astute FB friend of mine posted a status earlier today that simply said "Companionship is NOT the same thing as a relationship." I wholeheartedly agree. That got me thinking though about how intricate[fucked up] situations can become when the lines between friendship/companionship/relationship are blurred whether it be on purpose or an ooops.
I feel like most ppl know the definition of a friend, a lover, and a companion. But just for the hell of it, here you go.
FRIEND: A person who has regard for another by means of platonic affection and interaction. LOVER: A person who has a sexual and/or romantic relationship with another. COMPANION: A person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another and feels safe doing so.
These categories seem pretty clear cut on the surface. But uh uh. No ma'am. People start mixin & minglin with different expectations/interpretations and before you know it, some type of drama unravels. I feel like this. You can't have a real friendship without sharing a sense of companionship with that person. You CAN have a romantic relationship without having a sense of companionship...but it sucks big time and that relationship will not last. You CAN have a friend...who is also your lover...but we all know how bad sex usually complicates things. [not BAD sex, just sex in general, whether its good or bad. Although sucky sex can royally mess shit up. But I digress] You can also have a friend who makes a great companion and you would be feelin' them in the lover department, but you're too afraid to take it there so y'all are just stuck in that severely awkward phase where everyone around y'all kinda just stare at you like who the hell are YALL tryin to fool O_0 smh.
It's a lot. Especially when emotional attachments are in the picture, or when you're in a relationship with someone and have really close friendships outside of the relationship and jealousy surfaces from the partner OR from the friends. sigh. It makes my head hurt. I'm thinking that it's not that people don't know what friendship or relationships mean. I think it's the P word that throws things off. So...here's what the dictionary says.
PLATONIC: Free from sensual desire. Void of connections both physical and emotional that are parallel to that of a [healthy] romantic relationship.
Yep. Most people get a massive FAIL when it comes to developing and maintaining strictly platonic friendships. There seems to always be SOMEthing that SOMEone can't refrain from doing that adds an extra layer of intimacy to a friendship that muddies the water. [or makes it more beautiful, depending on who you ask] SO what the hell to do!!?? Do you choose to not have close friends? Do you choose to not have a life partner? Do you have both and just deal with the drama as it comes, oh and it WILL come in one form or another. Do you lock yourself away and tell everyone to fuck themselves cuz aint none of yall shit anyway???
I think this is the 1st time i've ever revisited a blog topic. But i've been inspired by a conversation currently happening over on Facebook, so here it goes. Taking space in a relationship remixed.
So one of my FB friends posted the following as her status: "If u love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
It's a well-known quote that we've all probably heard. When i was young (17 and stupid) I thought this was a romantic concept. "Awww, it's kinda like destiny and, Romeo & Juliet and Hope Floats and fairy tales and the things old school love songs are about." I think I even went as far as testing the idea out by randomly breaking up with someone and waiting to see what would happen a few days later. Smh. But now that I am of age (27 and intelligent) I see that taking space isn't much of a laughing matter. It can make or break a relationship and more importantly, make or break a heart. Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around the concept of taking space. What it means, what it feels like, what the advantages and disadvantages are. It's not an easy pill to swallow, espescially if you're truly in love and want to actively be with the person who needs the space. Through introspection, questioning, reading articles, and digging around in other people's experiences, I expanded my thoughts on taking space and figured that it might actually be of some good. Maybe space is necessary sometimes when situations become too emotionally charged to calmly and clearly sort out together. Maybe space isn't so scary and evil afterall.
The following is a comment from one of my FB friends regarding the above status:
"I just look at it like this....yes everyone needs space but at the same time when it comes down to the person u see a future with (marriage) u can't walk away from problems and take space...u must sort thru them together...maybe take time before talking but leaving and coming back (several times) isn't healthy. That's not being 'meant to be' its being comfortable with being able to leave the problem and return when the time is good...."
Mmm hmm. And with that one insightful comment I was taken all the way back to my initial feelings on taking space: It's all a crock of shit. *sigh* Why must things be so complicated!? I dont know. But now i'm reminded as to why I was so adamantly against taking space. I agree with the above comment. When you are involved in something serious, and i'm talking long-term, possible life-partner type of thing, what does it say about your relationship if you have to leave one another to work out your problems? I think it says a lot. It says hmm we cant even figure shit out with one another without needing to break up. It says something is missing, It says the ability to problem-solve, communicate and move on is not present. It says RED LIGHT. Which we all know means stop. There is something to be said about a couple who can work through, endure and truly get over problems TOGETHER as a unit. It's admirable. It shows strength and growth. It shows that the time invested has not been a complete waste. That is the thing successful relationships/marriages are made of. Tenacity and perseverance to last through the hard shit and come back stronger to enjoy the upswing. This is how I feel in my heart and what I wish could always happen.
But here I am in my own reality, and I see that sometimes things just don't work out like that. Sometimes the problems cut so deep, and last so long that it feels like it's impossible to even look at one another without getting angry, let alone resolve the issue in a civilized manner. SO there you are at that crossroad. Some may think well if it's that bad, maybe it's time to just let the relationship go. Say goodbye and part ways. But when is it ever that easy? And beneath all of the anger, hurt and confusion, what if you know you still LOVE that person? Do you disregard the love and pack away the relationship entirely? You can. Or you can decide to take space. Time away to calm down, think logically, evaluate yourself and the situation and figure out if there's enough there worth holding on to. And if indeed there is, you come back together ready to approach things sensibly and TOGETHER.
I agree with the statement that repeatedly coming in and out of a relationship is not healthy. That=playing games. If anyone i'm with needs to seriously take space from me more than once, that additional space is gonna be permanent. Take all the space you need for the rest of your life without me. But if the space asked for is a one time thing, and if it's used wisely and NOT abused [click here to see my other post on taking space and how it can be abused]then I still have to agree that sometimes it might be the inevitable last resort worth trying.
So we've all been there done that. Got yourself caught up in drama with your partner because A, you don't know how to hold your liquor B, you don't know how to shut your mouth C, you don't know how to say NO or D, all of the above. I'm not one to throw stones because lord knows my own house is made of glass. BUT i do a little something called "learning from my mistakes" and some things are just not worth the bullshit. Here are a few of those things and phrases to stay far far away from if you are trying to keep a happy home (happy = someone not goin upside your head with a hard object)
"She's just a friend" - Negative. If she was, you wouldn't have any reason to say so. Spare yourself and your partner the waste of time and re-evaluate the friendship. If it's something you can fix, fix it. If not, it's either your friend or your partner. Make your decision, stick to it and move on with life.
Deleting text messages and phone records- Unless you know how to tap into your wireless carrier's online site, you can delete from your phone all you want, the evidence of your late night convos will still be readily available online. Especially if you have T-mobile :-)
Forgetting bdays & anniversaries- Um isnt that one reason why you're around anyway?! Lock it into your phone, set an alarm, circle the calendar, program it into your computer, SOMEthing. Technology is far too advanced to forget things like this. Hell, order the flowers months early if u have to, then u can forget about it with no worries.
Forgetting your manners- Thank you, I appreciate it, No one does it better, Mmmm i've been waiting for this all day...just a few simple words to show that you aren't taking your partner for granted. When you start leaving these sentiments out, it's a sign that a rift is developing. Stop it.
Calling your partner by someone else's name- 0_o Do i really need to explain why this is a no no? And it doesn't matter whether it's during sex or not. I don't care if all we are doin is shopping for garbage bags, if you call me by another woman's name, it means she's on your mind and not me. So how about u go clear your mind and return when you're ready? K, thanx, bye.
Spending too much time with the homies/girls - Friends are good. No, friends are great. They make the world go around. But when your partner feels like you'd rather be with your friends than spending q-time with her, nothing good can come from it. And if u truly feel like that...uh...it might be about that time for a little relationship analysis.
Not spending ANY time with friends- on the flip, spending too much time with your partner can have adverse affects also. What's the saying?? Too much of anything is jus too damn much?! Okay, so that's not the saying, but u get me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is a real one :-) And it's usually the truth. Usually. So take time apart sometimes and give yourself a chance to miss one another.
Drunk texting- lol. I use to have this so bad. smh. Even if you're single, this can be annoying cuz who wants to sit up and text u when all your messages look like : Hiii kjj I jfh miss u! Fukkkd up ritee noow heee heee!! no one. But it's even worse if you're partnered and u lose your inhibitions after a few drinks and start sending suggestive (god forbid x-rated) txts to random people. If u know you're gonna throw a few back, hide your phone from yourself. Give it to a trusted friend. Just try to forget about the phone for the night and enjoy yourself...safely.
"See what had happened was..." - uh uh. That line is so played, I can't even remember the last time anyone intelligent actually fell for it. If you have an excuse for something, first, make it a good one, and second, never EVER begin with see what had happened was. Automatically guilty. Even if you're innocent. *shrug*
"Oh I was sleep" - See above. Just as lame of an excuse. It's also the hardest to prove as a lie so it might seem like its a good one to hide behind. But if it's mid day and your partner is trying to reach you and all u have to say...every single time...is that u were sleep...unless your on meds that make u drowsy, u might wanna prep yourself for some shit cuz that excuse gets old, fast. There's not enough sleep in the world.
And the list can go on and on but that's all i got for now!! :-)
So as I'm up at some ungodly hour early in the morning thinking about the mess that is my life right now, i'm simultaneously clicking on random Youtube links. I came across a video talkin about past relationships that went sour and how a friendship with the ex didnt work out, for one reason or another. It got me thinkin about what it is that determines whether or not a friendship is possible after a romantic interlude. It has to be some certain component between the two people that's either in full effect, or it's completely non-existent. I think at the least, the formula has to consist of mutual respect, boundaries, understanding and maturity. Beyond that, i havent a clue how to make it work.
Speaking for myself, i'm friends with ONE ex girlfriend and that shit almost didnt happen either. lol. But we worked it out and i love her like a sister now. But everyone else...pssssh. Once the relationship/complicated situation fizzled out, it was a done deal. I'm a firm believer that not everyone is suppose to be in your life forever. A lot of people get caught up in trying to play nice by holding onto exes as friends, but sometimes...it's just not worth the drama. Here are a few reasons why you should just walk away:
1.If you're still in love with her and there's no sign of her feeling the same way- let it go. It's only gonna break your heart on a daily basis to be around this girl that u want but who is obviously over u and probably close to being on to the next one. Take some time to get over her and get ya mind right, and then maybe a friendship will be possible in the future. Until then, you'll just look like a desperate clingy stalker. *shrug*
2. If you hate her with everything dark and evil inside of you- let it go and get some counseling. Nothing good can come out of hating an ex. Any type of friendship you attempt is probably merely a disguise to easily set it up for u to blackmail/sabotage/get some type of revenge on her for crushing your world. No friendship material found here.
3. You have a new love interest but something about your ex keeps pulling you back...either let the ex go, or let the new chick go. It's probably not safe for u to attempt to keep both. Sometimes the sexual chemistry between two people will never ever ever fade, even when the relationship is dead and gone. Lingering thoughts of great sex will make u temporarily forget why yall broke up in the first place and will eventually get u in trouble if u are always around one another.
4. You don't hate her, you arent in love with her, you dont even necessarily wanna hit, but u just feel some kinda way whenever u look at her- let it go at least until u wash away the residue. Thats all it is. All relationships leave remnants of everything that went bad and good between two people and sometimes it takes a while to thoroughly clean house. Forcing a friendship before the time is right will only lead to frustration and bitterness.
So yeah, sometimes it really is okay to have that one last cry/kiss/hug/argument/sexsession and completely close the chapter on that person. If you arent mutually bringing any positivity, growth or happiness into one anothers lives, then what's the point of salvaging a friendship built on a sinking foundation?
So we've all been in fucked up relationships. Most of them start beautifully and end tragically because like the old adage says, all good things come to an end. So-called relationship experts say the best thing to do after a break up is to consolidate your feelings, get closure and start piecing your single life back together bit by bit.
What a crock of shit.
How do you consolidate feelings? I know how to consolidate debt...but feelings/emotions/love/anger/hostility/resentment/hopelessness/etcetera... how the hell do u wrap all of that into a bundle and pay it down until it no longer exists anymore? *shrug*
And what is closure, exactly? Is there really a question that can be answered, an aha moment waiting to happen where all of the atrocicites that happened in the relationship all come together to make perfect sense, leaving you able to walk away from it a better person?? Is that closure? Does anyone really get comfort from figuring out why and how things took that final turn for the worse? Maybe I just don't get it. Then again, I changed my major from Psych to English a long ass time ago because I knew I would make the worst possible relationship therapist ever.
ME as the therapist:Oh you say ya'll havent had sex in 6 months?? Well, if u want my professional opinion, sounds like either one or both of yall is gettin some ass on the side so either confess, knock it off and start banging each other instead, OR get a divorce.
SO yeah...maybe it's just not meant for me to comprehend the rational logistics behind matters of the heart gone bad. When a relationship that means something to me ends, I tend to dissect it to the point of no return and the bare bones that I leave behind never fail to make me completely miserable. Even with consolidated feelings, attempted closure, and stray attempts to move on, it all seems like failure to me because the relationship didnt survive. *sigh*
How do u push past the bullshit, drama and pain? I know its possible to continue living life and eventually find happiness elsewhere...but that can only happen if u figure out your starting point first...
As usual, I have to state that I do realize there are always exceptions to every rule. Not all people will fall under my sweeping account as to why Stud and Fem friendships = a hot ass mess. But MOST do, and YOU are probably one of the most so get over it. Moving on...
As I thought about a couple of situations that have dramatically unfolded for people I know, I came to the realization that under most circumstances, studs and fems cannot just be friends. UNLESS (pay attention here) the stud and fem are both extremely unattracted to one another. By unattracted I mean, there's something about the fem that turns the stud wayyyy off, and there's something about the stud that the fem can't romantically tolerate. Under these conditions, a healthy and non-romantic friendship may be possible because there's no imminent threat of anything else happening. But when you have an attractive stud and an attractive feminine woman trying to embark on a 100% platonic BFF moment.... no maam. This is why.
There's this thing that I call StemChem. [ Stud + Fem + Chemistry] Follow me here. Studs (if they're worth anything) have this natural need to protect fems. Some even go as far as to cater to fems if it comes naturally, example: opening doors, pulling out chairs, making fems walk on the inside instead of close to the street, being really good listeners/shoulders to cry on, etc. All of this doesn't always necessarily mean that the stud wants to jump the fems bones. She could just be very considerate and charming, which is great. But then, you have us fems. Most of us really really like being treated with that sort of attention and care. Many women are not use to it and when they get a taste of the "treatment", its instant addiction. It's quite easy for fems to get caught up in being treated like a lady cuz um...sorry to say it, most of who we date ain't worth shit on two sticks. So introduce a fem to a GOOD stud who knows how to act and its a wrap. Head in the clouds, butterflies in the stomach, and pussy jumpin-jacks. This will happen EVEN IF THEY ARE CLAIMING TO ONLY BE FRIENDS. And of course the stud starts to feel like she's doin something right, her ego will get stroked and this will only make her step it up even more, which only makes the fem drool even more, which only makes the stud start thinkin hmmmmm, which then makes the fem start thinking hmmmmmm, and once the fem thinks hmmmm it's a done deal people. Cuz if the fem is open, TRUST, the stud will be there to fill whichever wide open spaces that need to be plugged. Smh. It's a fragile and dangerous cycle, this StemChem. And it happens 9 times outta 10. I'm just sayin.
Now, what I will also say is that all of this stud/fem chemistry wont always lead to something. Just because the dynamic is there, doesn't mean both people will always be willing to throw caution to the wind and risk a friendship by taking it to a sexual or emotionally inappropriate level. Either the stud or the fem might have a strong dose of common sense and know when and how to back up before it gets too hot. But it is important that both parties can mutually respect the boundaries if any are set in place. If you have a stud sayin no, but the fem is still tossin ass at her every which way....ummm...it's not gonna work out. And vice versa. If the fem is sayin we need to chill out, and the stud continues in full don juan mode, that friendship is bound for disaster.
Simply put (after allll of that) the sensual dynamic between studs and feminine women is obviously strong and very seductive for those of us who love it. It can sneak up on you and catch you off guard. It can be plotted and schemed into happening. It can never happen at all. But the possibility of it is huge. Knowing yourself and having a firm grasp on what you do or don't want to happen is key when attempting a friendship with someone of the opposite umm... label. lol. Knowing and respecting your boundaries, your limits and your areas of temptation can keep you outta some serious shit if you pay attention and LISTEN. We all have weak spots but we don't have to give in to them. It is a choice, whether you like to accept the personal responsibility or not. It's a hard lesson to learn and you will learn it eventually. Trust me. I know. So be smart and be careful.
And now, as usual after writing such posts, I need a drink :)
No one can stay drama free forever. It's virtually impossible unless you live isolated in a igloo somewhere, and even then you'll have drama cuz it's cold as shit and you'll freeze your ass off. But let me tell you this, and i'm gonna try to keep it short and sweet- if you are in a relationship and you don't know how to act, you're cell phone WILL get you in trouble. Let me break down "not knowin how to act":
- if you have a significant other and you feel the need to send 58678394 text messages every day to someone else BESIDES that significant other...you dont know how to act.
-if you have a significant other and you wait for her to leave the house so you can talk to the NEXT chick on the phone...you don't know how to act.
-if you have a significant other and you cant put the damn cell phone down for a day in fear of missing something...you dont know how to act.
- if you have a significant other and you have mini seizures on the inside everytime she touches or even breathes near your phone...you don't know how to act.
-if you have a significant other and your phone is goin off past midnite from females who ARENT family members or who at least arent dying... you don't know how to act.
There are more but i'm tired and this subject has thoroughly frustrated me for the night so im through. Get it together ladies. Most of us are too old for the bullshit and games. Please know that cell phones = drama so if you're triflin, play it safe and do your shit in PERSON. Cuz if u use the cell, you will get caught. Point blank period.
Alrighty now blog-lovelies, so this topic is near and not-so-dear to my heart. I'm sure some of you have wandered upon the dreaded bridge called Taking Space from a relationship. From this bridge of space most couples end up jumping off of it and drowning in the murky waters of hatred and bitterness. But I do know of instances where couples are able to take space and come back reinvigorated, renewed, and ready to give their all to one another again. What defines the difference and how do you know whether or not space is needed between you and yours? Well that's what the hell I wanna know so why r u askin me?? lol. I kid, I kid. Let's figure this out together.
The way I see it, taking space is like coming to a fork in the road where going to the right will eventually lead you to paradise, while turning left will land u in Compton at 2:30 in the morning with $500 in a Louis bag smellin of weed and cheap sex. You get my drift? It all depends on how you and your partner conduct yourselves while on the break. It also depends on communication and RULES. No one likes rules but dammit sometimes they're necessary in order to keep shit in tact. A break is a break. But what does that mean? Is your break one of those breaks where ANYTHING goes? Are both of yall allowed to fuck with other people? Be emotionally involved with other people? Or is it merely time apart to evaluate what the hell is going on and to figure out what u need from each other?
In my honest opinion, I think breaks that end with couples successfully coming back to each other on a positive note start with the rule that engaging in physical or emotional "affairs" with other people is off limits. Obviously the relationship must be important enough to not just 100% end it (hence you're just taking a "break") so why complicate it by getting involved with someone else on the side?? It makes you look like an ass who really just needed space and opportunity to fuck with someone else. In that case, don't call it a break. Be woman enough to call it quits.
I don't know just how well taking space truly works. But I do know that sometimes space is necessary. If you and your sig other argue more than yall have sex....take space. If you can't seem to get over an issue or issues concerning your partner and things have been extra tense for awhile....take space. If you are doubting your feelings for your partner....take space. But please PLEASE know what it means when you opt for taking space over just breaking up entirely. Know that you have left an amount of hope and expectation that the relationship will be picked back up and made a priority once again. Do what you have to do to get yourself in line but remember that one day you will return to that person hoping that they will let you take them off the shelf, dust them off and love them again. No one will wait forever. If you're taking space from someone you don't want to lose forever, you'd be smart if you act like it.
Abusing the space you take looks a lil sumthin like this: -finding a sex buddy to hold u over until u get back with your partner -establishing an emotional connection with someone else that is deeper than 100% friendship -when the space you take can be spoken of in terms of YEARS, you're doing way too much. Just break it off completely. -running the streets like a college student on spring break at Mardi Gras. Is that what the space was for? I think not
Okay soooo let's be 100% blunt here. Women are fuckin nutty buddies. We either cry way too much, or internalize everything beneath a bazillion tons of stone and never cry at all. We rant one moment & wanna cupcake the next. We feel 167% in love on Tuesday and filled with hatred come Saturday. We wanna talk your head off in the morning and give silent treatments in the pm. We can be some straight up fruitcakes. But for those of us women who love/adore/cherish/lust after other women....we can't stay away. Doesn't seem to matter how bright the Out To Lunch sign is, women are addictive. But there are some things we (including myself) have GOT to do better on.
Let's talk about being territorial. *confession moment* I'm goin through a situation where I'm being territorial over someone who isn't mine...for the moment, and I feel authorized to do so because she was mine...for the longest. It sucks ass. I feel like the little kid who attaches himself to his favorite toy inside Toys R Us knowing damn well his mom is cheap as hell and wont be buying it but is STILL emotionally damaged when she yanks the toy out of his hand while he's yelling but its miiiiiiiiiiiineee! *sigh*
Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to just let go and say fine...get the hell on. Holding onto something that isn't yours kinda sounds like a form of robbery. It just sounds so...uggghhh...what's the word I'm looking for here? It feels like a form of cruel and unusual punishment that i'm committing on myself because honestly, if something isn't mine anymore, it takes way more energy to struggle to hold on then it does to wipe your hands clean....
So the topic every time I turn my TV on, check twitter or pull up Yahoo is infidelity. Or adultery if you're married. Cheating. The lack of control over your wayward private parts. OR... the lack of control over your emotional connections.
Of course the latest celeb whoremonger is Tiger Woods. *sigh* Who is surprised? Really? Anyone? I'm never surprised when anyone is busted because umm...reality check= people ain't shit. Now I won't make the sweeping generalization that EVERY ONE will cheat in their lifetime. I'm sure their is a small percent of very sheltered human beings who nobody wants anyway will never cheat in any sort of way. Kudos to them.But most people cheat. It's just life. It sucks. But it's the truth. *confession moment here* I have emotionally cheated on someone and I have been physically and emotionally cheated on multiple times. Once you feel the pain of being cheated on, it usually lays the foundation for you eventually becoming a cheater yourself. You honestly just stop caring because no one else cared enough about you to stay faithful so.....
yeah. *ahem* Anywho, enough about me. I would like to carefully breakdown the two types of cheating and see which one my readers feel would hurt the most.
Behind door # 1 we have Physical Cheating: You would think every one would already know what this is, but ohhh you'd be surprised. If you have a girlfriend and you go out one night and lay a kiss on another chick, you have physically stepped outside the confines of your committed relationship. No if's and's or but's about it, so shut up. The person's lips you were sucking on did not belong to your partners, therefore, it's cheating. Now, the questions is, do you run home and tell your girl that you slobbed on someone else?? Is a kiss really that serious? In a perfect world, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. In a semi-perfect world, you would sit your gf down and tell her the deal. If she's not tripped out on some other shit, she's not gonna break up with you over a kiss. Unless you like kissed her sister or her mom or something. Now, if a kiss led to heavy petting, which led to your face (or any other body parts) being buried in between her legs....ummm, you most definitely have cheated to the nth degree and if you're any type of an ADULT, you'll tell your partner. Consequences are inevitable and you made your decision, so you gotta deal with em. My biggest problem with physically stepping out are the possibilities of catching some type of nasty crotch disease because of hoshit activities. Is it really that serious? If your girl isn't doing it for you sexually, try talking to her and workin it out between the two of you instead of cheating and infecting her with herpes. *gag* OR...maybe it's time to just end the relationship. *shrug*
Behind door # 2 is Emotional Cheating: This is where it gets a little sticky. I admit to not being an expert on all of the signs, symptoms and red flags of what constitutes emo cheating. But I do know more than what most people are comfortable learning about because it will probably make them guilty of it. Of course I'm glad to share the information =-) So i'll try to keep it fairly short and simple. If you are in a committed relationship with one person, and you start having your emotional needs met by someone else outside of that relationship (besides a family member) you might be emotionally cheating. Read carefully. Key word here: might. This is why. Everyone needs more than one person to sustain them mentally. You can not have all of your emotional needs met by one single person, no matter how romantic the shit sounds. It doesn't last forever. Trust me, please. It might feel good at first, and it might seem like a feeling you don't ever want to let go of because being the center of someone's everything kinda feels like heaven. But honestly, it's not healthy. When the dream-bubble bursts and you crash and realize that you don't have any one else to talk to...you'll realize how unhealthy it is. So yeah, everyone in a relationship should have friends to talk/vent to and hang out with. That's a great emotional connection to have, and if those friendships are platonic and if your partner feels comfy with them, that is not emotional cheating in the slightest. Sooo what does emotional cheating look like then, Chanel? Im glad you asked. When you start running to one person to tell your personal business to all the time, when you can't talk to your partner but run your mouth with ease to someone else, when you shut yourself off for your partner but seem to emotionally thrive in the presence of someone else, when you have excessive communication with someone else because you just can't seem not to, when you find yourself making excuses to sneak off to talk to/be around another person, when you just can't get that person off of your mind ...... you are emotionally cheating on your partner. That's what it looks and feels like. It can't be sugar coated. Beneath the sugary fluff, you still have a fucked up situation that is usually hell to get yourself out of.
What to do, whattodo!??
The title of this post is "once a cheater, never a cheater again" for a reason. I am one of the few who actually believe that a cheater can be rehabilitated and be able to have long term, meaningful and committed relationships. It is not easy. Actually, it's probably the hardest thing you'll do in life because it requires a change in your mentality AND morality first in order to successfully make change in your social conduct. You can not and will not rise above being a physical or emotional cheater without changing the way you think, feel and react to life. Speaking from personal experience, you gotta have a genuine desire to change first and foremost. It's also great if you can grasp a hold of a good reason to change . Yeah, yeah, the change is ultimately for yourself, bit it does help if you find someone or something that makes sticking to such a task a little bit easier. Once you have the desire, the reason, and the will to do it....anything is quite possible. Like one of my best friends is known to say, "you gotta fake it til you make it." Acting like you have some type of a clue is the best way to eventually end up having that clue. It's not easy to just let go of something you've done for so long. But if you just DO it, force yourself to do it, keep reminding yourself WHY you're doing it, it will become a natural part of yourself. It wont feel natural at first because..well...its not. But once you realize that you are worth having a strong set of morals, and that your partner is truly worth having someone who is committed and 100% there...it starts to feel pretty damn good. Once you see how much control you can exert over what you do and how you do it, it will become the best choice you have ever made in life.
We all have the power to decide how we are going to live our lives. We only have one life to live. Youth is fleeting and we only have so much time to get it right, so if you don't mold yourself into the best possible person you can be before it's too late.... what else are you living for??
Remember if you stay a cheater, you'll leave people feeling like THIS!
Being in love with someone of the same sex is in no shape or form easier than being in love with someone of the opposite sex. I make this claim for a few reasons, one being that my opinion was asked on what I think of the nature of female drama. Is it always like this? I believe was the question. And to that I yelled an emphatic YESSSSSSSSSSS. Drama is as drama does and drama does not get any nicer or sugary sweet simply because of the anatomy between the legs of your partner. In reality, drama tends to be sharpened to that of an ice pick when it comes to women. It's nothing pretty.
But of course, as not to scare away any newbies in the atmosphere, I must back this caution up by saying that although the drama is indeed a particularly sour taste upon the lesbian palate, the good times, the smiles, laughter and pleasure to be experienced when love is in the air between two women...is a thing unparalleled.
And that's all I have to say about the upside of things seeing as how my love life is fantastically shitty these days.
"Love is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it. Those who do will cherish it,be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it." -Curtis Judalet
Being in love is a beautiful, unparalleled circumstance. I believe love truly does make the world go around. Without it, we would all be cold-hearted, bitter, resentful, selfish people with nothing to gain and everything to lose. Falling in love is the easy part that us writers drop line after line about. But maintaining a healthy, balanced and delicate relationship is the part that makes many of us wanna jump off bridges. [not really, but im jus sayin]
I think one of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to solidly unite with your partner while also staying unique and true to one's self. Alot of people struggle with falling into their partners shadow, for one reason or another. I've never personally had that problem and with my personality, I don't even think it's possible. But I've definitely been witness to how painful and difficult it is to overcome. Speaking from experience, i've never intentionally tried to shove someone I was with under the bus so i could thrive, sparkle & shine all by my lonesome. lol. That's just rude. I would rather the both of us have the ability to stand out and be the best at whatever it is we individually (or jointly) do. But sometimes, it doesn't happen and someone ends up losing themselves in the relationship.
What happens then?
I think it's important for individuals to have a firm grasp on who they are, what they believe in, and what they love about themselves before getting involved with someone. It's absolutely necessary. Without that firm anchor, you're liable to drown. When you're in a relationship, it's easy to get wrapped up in eachother's everything. I mean, you spend hour after hour with that person, you do everything together, you wanna make that person happy, you don't like being alone, etc. But after awhile, it's also easy for a part of you to become mal-nourished. Your self-identity.
I'm not really sure how to keep this from happening, or how to make things better once it has already happened. But I know it's a problem that can lead to unhappiness, unbalance and discord. Anyone have any insight on it?
Abrowngirl and Kiwi's posts on similar topics inspired today's entry. So thank them & go show em some attention :)
The Homewrecker- A 3rd party who moves in on someone else when they damn well know that person is already taken. [not a websters definition but it works] This can be done intentionally (90% of the time) or unintentionally (10%). [not scientific data but it also works] Either way, you're still a homewrecker.
The Triflin- The person in the relationship who "slips" and falls on another woman's strap, finger or face. Oh & lest we not forget that cheating does not have to be physcial. So the Triflin can also be someone who falls in love/lust or any other inappropriate feelings for someone else outside of their relationship.
The Idiot- The one getting played. I hate to be so harsh because the blame should never be entirely on this person but in these situations, if you look back once its all said and done, there were usually always signs of what was going on. If you choose to overlook the signs or if you allow yourself to be blinded by love time & time again, you're an idiot. Plain and simple. Sorry.
I feel as if I can bluntly speak on all of the above because at various points in my not so long of a life, I have played all 3 roles.[hangs head in shame. lol] On my journey of becoming a stronger woman & a better girlfriend, i've been lost in thought about why people do the things we do and how to become an overall better decision maker. Since my relationship has been the catalyst for my change, I figure relationship issues are a good place to start analyzing and finding solutions to the myriad of problems. So let's tackle this cheater/cheatee thing, using myself as an example. Fun times ahead.
Why would someone settle for being a homewrecker? When i signed up for the job as the other woman, I did so because 1) I liked the drama & adrenaline rush (see:young & stupid), 2) I was fresh out of a dysfunctional situation that was not my fault and thought hey what the hell. Might as well cause some dysfunction of my own, 3)I was flattered someone would be willing to risk ruining their security for lil ole me. and 4) I had nothing else productive to do. So I went along for the ride filled with back seat trysts, secret texts & phonecalls, illicit meetings and an abundance of lies. I ate it up. I even went as far as meeting the girlfriend, smiling all up & in her face with a halo over my head and a knife behind my back... Then came the day where I had the lightbulb moment: i'm better than this! So did I remove myself from the situation all together? Nope. I shoved my head even further up my ass and completed the ultimate no-no, I "stole" the girl away from her current relationship and ejected her into my life, expecting her to get a dose of act right overnite. (see: young and even more stupid) Think she took that dose? Hell to the no. She turned around and did the same shady shit to me that she did to her ex. Big surprise there. I cried the blues & cursed the world, promising to never ever get played for a fool again. It may have been a personal setback but I learned a lot from that situation that will indeed keep me from going thru it ever again, trust.
How could someone be so Triflin? This one is just as simple to answer as any other question if you're ready to be honest with yourself. I just found that honest place within myself over the past few months & i'm ready to share. Yayyy :-) Being the cheater is not a good look. You might think it is while you're caught up in some sideline ass, but trust me, it's not very attractive and the ugliness shows as bright as day. You think you're bein slick and smooth with yours, but someone can & will see it. I've never physically cheated on anyone and i think I may have been too chicken shit in the past to do so. Currently I have no desire to do so because my head is finally on straight. [figuratively speaking] But emotional cheating can be just as painful & it's easy to fall into, even if it wasnt your original plan to do so. People are people and we will do what we are wired to do, mix & mingle and mesh with others who appease our appetites. If we meet someone who piques our interests mentally, how easy & harmless is it to strike up convo and keep it flowing? Very. Talking and befriending is not the problem. Trouble doesn't occur until talking leads to flirting which leads to mixed signals which leads to overstepping boundaries which leads to falling hard for the lure of the grass on the other side. It happens because we let it happen. Cheating is not nature playing its course. Its our decision-making skills at their ass-backward worse. I became emotionally attched to people I shouldnt have because I did not know how to properly section off my boundaries and keep a certain part of myself solely for my partner. I needed the attention from EVERYone in whichever form it came in. I did it because my head was all fucked up, I felt like I could get away with it and because my past was filled with people doing me dirty so why not join em? It caused shitloads of unecessary drama that I'll always regret and if I made smarter choices, I never would've had to endure it. Key point is: It's not hard to make the right decision when you know what your values are & it's in that moment of decision-making that your destiny is shaped.
When am I officially an idiot? It is tricky at times to distinguish between unwarranted paranoia & genuine intuition. I get em mixed up all the time. lol. But there a few things you know you gotta pause for.
If you keep having that nagging feeling in the crevices of your soul that sumthin just aint right, and you choose to ignore it. You're an idiot.
If your significant other can't keep someone elses name out of their mouth that you have never met and you don't push the issue of making that meet up happen sooner than later, you're an idiot. If she's important enough for all this extra attention, then she's important enough to be introduced to you as well.
If you can't hold on to your significant other's cell phone for ten minutes without them sweating bullets & asking questions & you dont say shit about it, you're an idiot.
If your partner has to take phone calls "privately" [privacy is anywhere YOU aren't], and you don't find out what the business is, you're an idiot.
If you've caught & confronted your partner about cheating and ain't shit changing about the situation and you're still there when they get home tonight, you're an idiot.
If you never open your mouth to express your feelings about whatever it is that's bothering you out of fear of what the other person might do to you, you're an idiot & you're in an abusive relationship.
If you are OKAY with sharing your partner with the next chick AND you're getting yours on the side too AND everyone involved is happy....you're an idiot
Okay so that's all for Sex & Relationships 101 today. Agree? Disagree? Couldnt care less cuz u didn't have the patience to read it all?
Happy Tuesday everyone! Im tryin to be all excited about it & give off positive vibes, but anyone who knows me knows that I truly can not get excited over any day of the week besides the love of my life a.k.a FRIDAY. But still. Happy Tuesday.
So let's talk about friends. I've been making them my entire life. Never really had a problem making and keeping friends when I was younger because I was very friendly, a social butterfly of sorts and kept myself out there like that. Plus everyone just likes me :-) But i'm noticing that as I get older (i'm talkin like 25 is next to death) my readiness to open up and befriend people has dwindled down to very meager levels. I believe there are quite a few reasons for this, including the fact that i'm busy as hell and really have no free time to galavant the streets how I use to. Thats just something I can't help right now. But something I should be able to control but really dont have much of a clue where to start is how to initiate and maintain close friendships while in a serious relationship without letting the green-eyed jealousy bandit rear its head on either side.
I'm a little a lot envious of people who are able to balance friendships and relationships with perfect precision. I've never been good at it. Someone always ends up mad at me. My friends cuz i spend too much time under my gf, or my gf cuz she feels neglected , or worse threatened, by my closeness with my friends. Its just too much. So that led me to kinda drop the friendship ball & I didnt feel too bad about it because my current gf has become one of my best friends anyway! Which is a good thing. The problem arises though when 1 or both people in the relationship start to feel the pressure of always being together, never hanging out with other people, thus experiencing overkill. NOT a good thing. But what do you do now that you're use to having all of someone's attention, and you're use to only having to cater to one person? It's hard to just break habits and jump back into having a social life. lol. It's also close to impossible to be willing and ready to let go of a chunk of your gf's time, space, and opportunity. Yes, i've become a selfish greedy girlfriend hog and I don't know how to stop it :-(
I dont know why, when, where or how this happened. Kinda blind-sided me because i've never been a clingy person. Ever. I never liked being up under any of my significant others 24/7. I use to need my own space to breathe and just do me. I use to really not care about whoever I was with having friends and hanging out without me because I could just go do the same thing. And if I wasn't hanging out with other people, I'd be perfectly fine being by my damn self at home! That Chanel is no longer among us. But someone needs to find her and bring her ass back quick fast and in a hurry cuz this new Chanel is NOT the bizness. I repeat : idontlikeher
Blah.
I just wanna enjoy my relationship, enjoy my girl friend, enjoy other people appropriately, and honestly trust that she can and will do the same without any bull shit and drama on either side from any one. Why is this so hard?
I haven't blogged since Tragic Tuesday cuz I haven't been feelin it at all. But, since I will be M.I.A for the next 3 days, I decided to post a lil sumthin. Let's talk about selfishness. After the prop 8 fiasco, and my post on monogamy, I think selfishness is a fitting topic. Y'all know I love starting with definitions.
Selfishness- To be devoted to or care only for oneself, concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits and and well-being.
We were all taught that being selfish is not a good look. You don't make or keep friends by solely looking out for yourself. It's better to put others first and to take joy in giving rather than receiving. And I agree with all of the above. But what some aren't taught is that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to get you through. Being completely selflLESS (opposite of selfish in case u didnt know, lol) can get you in a lot of trouble depending on the company you keep. You will be taken advantage of, mistaken as a push over, milked and drained dry. So there does come a time where you need to say back the fuck up and let me do me for a minute. You don't necessarily have to be so rude, that's just me ;-)
Now I have a question: Under what circumstance is being selfish an okay thing to do when you're in a relationship?
When you're wifed up (even if it's not legal grrr), its common thought to share and share alike under all circumstances. Money, food, belongings, time, etc. It's all thrown into one big free for all pool where both of u can excessively have at it. Is this the best way to do things? Or is it best to ration certain things out to your own discretion? Those of you in relationships, how do you and your partner handle things? Is it to each her own or do you share across the board?
But i've been known to ruffle a few feathers. Why stop now?
Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.
I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:
No need to sneak behind someone's back to cheat.
Open communication about needs and wants
Bypass the whole "feeling trapped" syndrome because u get to have sex with someone else from time to time and not get your ass kicked for it. I don't care what anyone says, everyone has or will feel trapped at one point, even if the relationship is peaches & cream.
Variety is the spice of life
So my question is how awful would it be to try this method? If you've reached a point in your relationship where you know you want to be with someone else forever, you know you plan on making a life with someone.... but every now and then you can't help having a strong physical attraction to someone else..... wouldn't it relieve pressure to implement the revolving open door policy? Imean if it's oh so natural for eyes to wander from time to time & if "itches" are inevitable, why not make it easier to deal with?
OR would it just cause that much more drama ? Would this work for you? Anyone ever tried it?
I've been fairly addicted to my Ipod over the past few weeks. Not too shocking seeing as how much I love music. So I've been rediscovering Chrisette Michele, Goapele, Corinne Bailey Rae & Adele lately and they're really taking me there. My girlfriend is also into Chrisette and she fell in love with her song Blame It On Me. The premise of the song is basically she's beyond done with her relationship & she's telling her significant other that it doesnt matter what he thinks of her, he can blame the entire fucked up situation on her, put all the weight on her shoulders, call her every name in the book...as long as the last thing he says to her is GOOD BYE. Cuz he gots ta go.
So it got me wondering about how long it takes and how hard it is to get to that point for many of us. It's like we have to go through the pits of hell, the eye of every storm, through the lions den and across the Sahara Dessert before we throw in the towel. My question is, is it suppose to be like that?
My train of thought is that the more serious a relationship, the stronger the commitment. The more you're committed to a person, the more you're willing to work through hard times instead of bailing out at first signs of trouble. And this is a good thing. Marriages such as my parents who have been together for 43 yrs (yes I said 43) would never happen if every time someone fucks up, you end the relationship. But the key to a lasting relationship has to go beyond being willing to put up with all the drama. Not everyone's bullshit is worth the blood sweat and tears it takes to push past it. I guess it takes large doses of common sense, a clear & open mind and sound advice to figure out who is worth fighting for and who we should let go....
I've learned through lots of trials and even more errors that if the foundation of something isn't sturdy, whatever you try to build on top of it will eventually crumble. It may not happen tomorrow, or next month, but time will chip away at the weak ground beneath it and the structure will fall. So one important key to a strong relationship is making sure you start out on the right foot. Begin with honesty, straightforwardness, and respect and the road ahead will most definitely be a lil smoother. Now for those of US who learned this lesson late [raising my own hand] what do we do if we started on shaky ground and are already well past the first few building stages?
Demolish that shit and start over.
Real talk. I have someone now that I know in my mind, body and soul is beyond worth everything we've ever gone through. Especially seeing as how it was ME who brought alot of the crap to the table. And now im making up for lost time and stupid mistakes by starting over piece by piece. Once things are in order and how they should have been in the beginning, I can only imagine the powerful & beautiful nature of our relatonship. I still have to learn how to LET GO. But in this case, i'm letting go of certain negative aspects of myself that is hindering our growth. It's a very necessary process. It's also scary as all hell. But hey, like I said, when you find someone worth it, you gotta do what u gotta do.
4 simple questions here. I'll throw in my 50 cents, you kindly donate your 2 quarters, and maybe we can come up with a whole dollar somewhere in between. K?
1.What, exactly, is flirting? 2.Are there varying stages of flirting? 3.Is it ok to to flirt when you have a significant other? 4.Is flirting ever truly harmless?
Webster's definitions of flirting are: To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures towards someone. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially with a person or a thing (to flirt with danger) To move abruptly or jerkily.
I can deal with these definitons. The last one isn't relevant for the purpose of this post so scratch it. The first two cover the bases pretty well. To put it in my own words, to flirt is to 1)interact playfully and suggestive towards someone you are sexually attracted to or 2)to tease/play/joke with someone or with an idea that you aren't necessarily taking seriously.
So that's flirting.
In my little world, there are varying stages of flirting, all depending on your intent behind the act. If i'm flirting with the guy selling me a $95.00 pair of shoes because I think he'll knock off 15 percent for me, I probably won't be laying it on too terribly thick. A lot of smiling, direct eye contact, extra friendly chit chat and maybe leaning towards him (or her:) over the counter and there you have it. Basic stuff. If i'm flirting with a girl I see standing outside the (insert public place here) because I think she's cute and I want her to kick some game, i'll step it up a bit. More suggestive and direct. If i'm at the club and i'm trying to get some ass from a particular person (doesn't happen cuz I typically go to the club WITH the person i'm already gettin some ass from) I'd probably go all out and if she can't tell what my intentions are, she must be special ed.
So yeah, there are varying degrees of flirtiness.
Is it ok to flirt if you're already with someone?? Ok look. Flirting is natural. It's gonna happen. Whether u do it on purpose or if its just a part of who you are, you are going to flirt. Some people tend to mix flirting with being "friendly" and to me, they have nothing to do with one another. The person who says "I'm just friendly!", can usually be translated into "I flirt with every damn body!" I can smile at someone and show myself friendly to random people without smiling and showing myself interested. Granted, it doesn't happen often cuz im just not that nice of a person. lol.
And lastly, to me (and how my girl put it last night), flirting with anyone outside of your relationship is harmless only when it isn't hurting or being disrespectful of your partner. I'll add to that by saying it's also non-harmless only if the object of your flirtation does not take it or you too seriously, and as long as it isnt happening every single time you step outside.
SO there you have it. My .50 deposit. Where's yours?? Agree? Disagree? Could care less?
A lovely cocktail blend of sass, class, intellect and passion. In love with all things CREATIVE and offbeat. I rarely hold my tongue and Ive been known to talk shit fluently. Care to translate?
