Being out and staying sane

Holidays are here, as they are every year around this same time, and that means bomb ass food, holiday parties, cuddle-buddy weather and family! Sounds like good times, right!?

Pffft *eye roll*

Okay so the food is good. Cuddle-buddy weather... ehh, only if u actually have a cuddle buddy worth having. But the FAMILY lawd...the family. Love em to pieces but damn! No one knows how to work a last nerve better than family. Especially when that last nerve is gay and the family is conservativereligiousclosemindedANDstubborn. Let's talk about it.

So I came out to my parents five years ago. They knew I wasn't straight anyway and they knew (and loved) my partner. I felt like i owed them the awkward fireside chat about it. [not exactly how it went but i'll save that for another time] The rest of my family, i kinda feel like I don't owe them anything. lol. Like really. I'm not gonna have that talk with every single member of my family just because we are related. It's unnecessary and it's not happening. They don't march around chanting I'M STRAIGHT AND PROUD so why do i need to wave the rainbow flag at every festive get together?? um..no

But this can make things a little sticky. When I go to above-mentioned holiday get-togethers and I walk in with my partner, those who don't know her just sit there lookin like all damn night. And that gets a bit irritating. Then come the "sneaky" questions. "So is this your best friend?" "Y'all go to school together?" "Have we met her before?" "She looks just like [insert a drunk unce's name here]...is this his daughter??" knowin damn well my girlfriend doesn't look like ANYBODY in our family!! smh. Please stop trying to make us related just because you are uncomfortable with the thought of us NOT bein related, which means we are probably having sex. Yeah. Just stop.

So what do I do about it? If anyone directly asks me, "soooo are yall together?", I'd happily answer YES and probably throw in a hug for their blunt honesty and intelligence it took to put two and two together. But for the other 98% of my family who are just gonna keep fishing all night with that perplexed look on their face, what do I do with them??

*sigh*

Maybe I should hold a townhall meeting for the entire family, make a general announcement:

To all my friends and family by blood or by happenstance, I would just like to take a few seconds to confirm your assumptions and announce my gayness. Yes I am a card-carrying gay agenda having u-haul trucking lesbian who plans on having babies the UNnatural way within the next couple of years and a man wont be within 3 feet of my vajayjay ever again unless he's my gynecologist/obstetrician and even that isn't guaranteed. To all of you who have asked 4887375 times who this is, is this a cousin, is this a classmate, is this a friend from work- SHE is my partner, isnt she sexy? Yeah, I know. Any questions?? No? Okay. Thanks for coming out [no pun intended] and have a lovely day.

Maybe I should. Hmm. Thoughts??

What makes you a lesbian?

Please bare with me here as this topic is quite touchy for me and for many others, therefore, if I stay a little too long on my soap box...get over it. It's my blog. K thanx.

Now. lesbehonest (i had to do it. Shout out to Drake) not everything that glitters is gold. We all know this. The same applies to lesbians. Not everything that eats pussy is gay. Allow me to repeat: NOT EVERYTHING THAT STICKS ITS FACE INSIDE OF A VAGINA OR LETS ANOTHER WOMAN STICK HER FACE INSIDE HER VAGINA IS A LESBIAN.

Of course, we have bisexuals. And I mean honest to God bisexuals. They are mentally and physically attracted to both sexes and can be in long term committed relationships with either/or. That is a bisexual. And if that is YOU, good for you, here's your gold star for the month.

But i'm not even dealing with the bi's today. I'm dealing with the women who slip and fall on another woman's strap on Tuesday and wants to call herself a lesbian by Friday. FUCK outta here.

OR...the "straight" women who "catch feelings" for a random ass female once in a blue moon as if "the gay" can be caught and sprinkled by magic leprechauns. Y'all are the worst. The WORST. It's these women who go gay by accident for a quick fix who give REAL lesbians a horrible rep. And yall dumb ass lesbians who fall for them might as well hand over your gay cards cuz you are being P L A Y E D. Smh & *shrug*

So let me ask, what makes you a lesbian?

I know what makes ME a lesbian. I love ALL things woman. I love pussy. Everything about it. I love estrogen. I love female pheromones. I love hot flashes bitch fests tears psychoanalytical bullshit mental instability emotional roller coasters girl-sex strap ons/strap off EVERYTHING. I want to marry a woman. I want to have babies with a woman. I want to spend the rest of my crazy ass life with a woman. I cannot live thrive or survive without the love of a woman. And men could disappear off the continent tomorrow and I wouldn't cry narry a drop. That sounds pretty damn lesbian to me.

Top that.

Do sex + lesbians = stalker?

Casual sex= Sexual acts between 2 (or more:-) adults with no strings attached. Void of all committments and emotions.

We've all heard the following:
Women are emotional creatures by nature. (Depends)
When women have sex with someone its more of a mental thing than physical. (debatable)
Women get attached to their partners after having sex with them & there's damn near nothing u can do to stop it. (lol)

Okay, if all of the above are perceived to be true, how on earth do lesbians have one night stands? Many many one night stands at that. [sidebar, I myself have actually never had a one nite stand so i've missed out on all the fun. But ALL of my friends are a bunch of skanks sexually expressive women who like to hit it & quit it frequently ]

I do think that overall, women relate to sex differently than men do. Most men have magnets at the tip of their penises and anything with half a vagina attracts them from a mile away & they go for it, no hesitancy. In my experiences, women tend to be a tad more analytical

well if i do this, how will she think of me? Is she gonna call me? Maybe I should wait it out. I wonder if she even really likes me. Blah blah blah.

So can we have casual sex and keep it movin? And I mean REAL casual. Not the kind where you claim you arent feelin someone but the second she starts showin New Girl extra attention u start goin on mental trips, that eventually turn into obsessed stalker behavior (large amounts of unnecessary texts & phone calls, whining & complaining, randomly poppin up at work/home/club/gym) I mean the kind of sex where you get yours, she gets hers and y'all part ways only to hook back up the next time your body is callin for it (only if it was good of course).

When the sex flies out the window....

So we all know how it is in the beginning of new relationships. Everything is lovey dovey and filled with kisses and tickles and giggles and goo goo eyes, topped off with LOTS of mind blowing spine tingling sex. It's all fresh and new and exciting and you just cant get enough so you go at each other like porn stars. Its great :-)

Fastforward a few yrs into the relationship. Lights on, cameras off, the dust has settled and the real world has crept in. SOME couples are good at keeping the sex new and energized. Others...not so much. So what is going on? I never really believed in the whole Lesbian Bed Death concept. The rule that says women in lesbian relationships tend to have less sex than hetero couples because women naturally have lower sex drives and eventually, the sex dies completely. Now I dont know about any of you but i'll never last long in a relationship where the sex is dead. So what do you do to keep it flowin properly?

Many couples attribute a lack of sex to one or more of the following:
-no chemistry
-poor communication
-no attraction
-someone is cheating

None of the above are good for relationships. I see why the sex would die in these conditions. But what if it really is NONE of the above? What happens to that exciting sex life in the begining? Is it nature? Or is it something that can be worked on and revived?

Femmes vs. Studs

Okay so I came up with this idea from a response I got on my last post. That's why I love when my readers comment because it keeps the cycle of ideas flowing.

Anyway, so some lesbians don't buy into the whole label thing. I buy into it all day long. I'm a very visually descriptive person, so by nature I tend to categorize people by physicalities, characteristics, style of dress, mannerisms, persona and consistency. (Trust me. Consistency is important.) So the whole stud, femme, stem, aggressive, dom thing works well for me. But that's not the point of this post.

The point is that when I first began to immerse myself in the lifestyle, I was fairly oblivious to what a stud was. I had heard of it in high school, but I wasn't turned on by the thought of a female dressing like a guy. That's all I assumed it added up to. A woman who wants to be a man. So I kinda shyed away from studs and marked them as territory I didn't necesarily feel comfortable with. (my own igonrance, i know) Then slowly but surely, I began meeting studs after I moved to Atlanta and actually took the time to stop being retarded and got to know a few. I picked up on the stud-swag and had to admit it was kinda cute. Up until then, I really wasn't all that attracted to studs. Give me a sexy feminine woman with thick thighs & hips ANY day and i'd be happy ALL day.





Uh...I don't know what happened.




It's like studs started doing some wierd jedi mind warp thing on me and I began noticing them like crazy. I dated my first stud in 2004 and haven't looked back since. lol. Now, I still find other femmes to be beautiful and we can be beneficial friends but I don't think I could go back to dating femmes. Ever. There's just something about the stud/femme dynamic in a relationship that just works for me. Don't ask me what it is cuz i don't know how to explain it but some of y'all get me....right? So do u have a preference or does it really matter at all?


Love of my life

Lesbian of color RANT

Ok, so I live in the San Francisco Bay area. Not IN San Fran, but i can hop on Bart (Bay Area Rapid Transportation for those of you not in the know) and be there in less than an hr. I make that trip quite often cuz I love the city.

But, sadly, i'm beginning to feel as if the city doesn't love me back quite as much. When I tell people that there isn't much for a lesbian to do in the bay area they look at me as if my head is spinning on an axis. "You live near San Francisco! Hellooo! It's like gay utopia! How much gayer can you possibly get?!"

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't say there isnt much for lesbians in general to do, because there's always something, I guess. But for lesbians of color...mmm, not so much. It really sucks. I mean we're out here in swarms! Oakland (San Francisco's next door neighbor) is filled with black and hispanic lesbian's but it's as if we don't exist. And I don't mean to sound as if I want a distinct barrier between non-women of color events, and qwoc events. I dont. I love socializing with all races. But it is a little disheartnening to not have any venue where I can be surrounded with strong, fun, intelligent lesbians of color, unless its a night club. And even those have dwindled down to crap! I want neo-soul spoken word poetry slams, divas of color variety shows, HOT club scenes, social groups, political platforms for qwoc, etc. There's so much potential here it's shameful to not take advantage of it ( us ).

I can't blame it all on the bay though. It's up to the community to come together and do something. I've noticed that things tend to start up and everyone will be all hyped about it for a few months and then slowly but surely i'll be like "hey whatever happened to such and such..." Nothing lasts. Everything that even resembles a great space for qwoc falls victim to a lack of publicity, lack of support, or a general loss of interest. Once again, it sucks. I'm gonna try my hardest to come up with the best blueprint for a lesbian women of color scene that I can shop around and see who wants to jump on board. Hopefully it takes off and we start getting some representation, cuz um....i'm sick of this shit!!

;-)

L Word rant- I will kill Jenny myself

This is what I looked like by the end of last nights episode

I dont even know where to begin so i'll just jump right on in and say that if Jenny was anywhere within my reach, my hands would be wrapped around her throat. Those of you who read my other post on the L Word will remember that I didn't too much care for her to begin with. After last night, i'm so through with her it's not even remotely funny and I now fully believe that it will be either Bette, Alice or myself if I can somehow warp myself into the TV, who finally kills her.

I just wanna know two things about last night's show.

1) Why did Bette let Jessie into her house in the first place? and

2) Why can't Jenny mind her own damn business? Seems like she should have a lot to worry about, with everyone hating her and all.

Let me say that I am very VERY proud of Ms. Bette Porter for being on her Ps and Qs and not giving in to Jessie's "I'm just trying to cash in my coupon" ploy. She pretty much told her to shove the coupon where the sun is scared to shine 'cuz the shit EXPIRED years ago and she's now happily in love and faithful to Tina (finally). Kudos Bette because I know it wasn't easy. BUT why oh WHY did u even have to let the scandalous hoe into your house at all??!! This is how it shoulda played out:

Here comes Jessie (Yeah I know her name isn't Jessie in this show but she'll always be frizzy hair Jessie from Saved By The Bell to me) anyway, here comes Jessie drunk as hell, stumbling up to Bette's front door with a bottle of champagne.

Bette: Kelly what are you doing here?

Jessie/Kelly: I'm soooo happy for us tonight! I just wanted to celebrate with you!

Bette: (looks at watch) Oh mm hmm, okay, well it's a little late, and i'm tired, plus Tina might be calling me in a few so let's maybe get together tomorrow or something.

Jessie/Kelly: (pouting) No Bette, tonight is our night! The opening was so great and everyone loved it and blah blah blah blah

Bette: I know. I was there. I'm tired. You're drunk and I got shit to do. Ok? We work together Kelly, so we'll see each other tomorrow. Goodnight.

Bette closes door and proceeds to NOT get herself in any trouble whatsoever. Yayyyy.

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. And now Jenny thinks she caught Bette eating this woman out on the kitchen table when Bette was really just helping her pick up broken glass after the clumsy chick dropped it. Jenny is over there snappin pics from her window like the psycho stalker she really is and yes, the pics look very incriminating but the fact of the matter remains, Bette is INNOCENT, Jessie is a SLUT and Jenny is a NUT. *sigh* Now Tina is gonna come home and the shit is gonna hit the fan.

I hope someone smears it all over Jenny's face. Nosy ass. What Bette needs to do is hopefully not empty her trash can with the broken glass pieces, show this to Tina as evidence after Jenny rats on her, drag Jessie's triflin self to the house and let Tina question her, and then proceed to knock Jenny in her throat.

Bam. End of season.

Learning to live, love and laugh as a lesbian

[I was inspired by another great blogger to post my story. I hope someone can relate to it & find some sense of comfort or encouragement within it.]

It's not easily explained, the feeling that washes over you the first time you're turned on by someone of your same sex.

Let me backtrack a little. Maybe it's not proper to say 'turned on' because in my case, I was in pre-school the first time I kissed a girl and liked it. I doubt I was turned on seeing as how I didn't know what being turned on meant. Or maybe I was and just didn't know how to explain it. Whatever the case was, whenever 'P' (yes I remember her name) and I played house and snuggled up next to each other in her cot, I loved it. She was my best friend, we were protective of each other and it just felt right. I didn't get that same sense of comfort from the little boys attempting to chase me around the play ground or trick me into playing doctor with them. Yes, I snuck into corners with them to look/poke at body parts out of curiosity (dont act like you didn't) but I was more grossed out than intrigued. Call it premonition.

I was born into a heavily religious family. My father, a pastor, was ordained into the ministry when he was 12 years old. He's now a Bishop and has been preaching for over 45 years. My mom was raised in the church and has been at my father's side for 41 years. They are not perfect. But living in a household with two loving parents who do not drink alcohol, smoke, curse, cheat on each other (as far as I know), or any thing else that most "normal" people get caught up in...I had tons of pressure on my shoulders. I was blessed to have such a stable family unit, but damn if it wasn't hard to live up to at times, ya know?

Anyway, so yeah. I was in church 3 nights out of the week, and bright and early on Sunday. I sang in the choir, I attended bible study, I taught sunday school. Church was a huge part of my life. Everywhere I turned, strong, religious heterosexual beliefs surrounded me and I never felt as if I had any other choice but to fall in line. And that I did. Jr. High was fairly easy. I didn't focus much on either sex. I got A's in school and had a bunch of giggly best friends who sat around all day and talked about boys. By then, the yuck-factor of boys was wearing off and I tapped into my attraction for them. I was never boy-crazy, but there were a few who caught my attention. But still, I had this one friend (girl) who I thought about wayyyy more than any of the guys I claimed to be crushing on. There was just something about her. I couldn't explain it. At times I was ashamed of it and hoped she never picked up on my thoughts about her. There's nothing worse then knowing there's something going on in your mind that you can not control because it's natural, but it makes you feel dirty and ashamed because you've been taught that those type of thoughts are bad enough to send you straight to hell.

High school was an interesting journey. I thought about girls every single day. Who was cute, who had a nice body, who I thought could possibly be closeted bi or les. Through sly looks and quick head turns, I definitely paid attention to the female student body. Pun intended. But while I was wondering/pondering/fantasizing about women, I was dating guys. On the outside, I was straight as possible. Talked about men with my clique, hung pictures of Usher and Ginuwine in my locker (Ha), stressed over this guy and that guy, fell in "love/lust", fell out of "love" and then back in "love"...with men. My parents and family saw nothing wrong. I appeared normal to my friends. I wasn't disappointing or hurting anyone. You can say I was content. But that's a far cry away from being HAPPY. There was still that something.

I never questioned whether or not I was straight. I felt like hey, I was capable of being in relationships with men, so i'm fine. Right? Just roll with it. Fake it til you make it. Yeah. I can put up a facade all I want and fake it for everyone in the world, but it's a tad bit harder to prank yourself. Especially when you've encountered another girl who shares your same thoughts, feelings, and desires. There's nothing quite like that first time you say the words out loud to someone else. "I think I might like girls." It's like stepping out of a violent rainstorm into a warm beam of sunlight. But it only lasted a minute, because, of course that revealing statement was quickly followed with "But I mean, I haven't done anything with a girl yet. I don't know if I really could. And of course I still like guys way more."

ha.

So I downplayed my inner struggle. I was never suicidal. I didn't cry myself to sleep at night every night. Once in awhile, yes. But not every night. I didn't have this desire to come out to anyone. I didn't even know what I would becoming out about. I mean, I was still dating guys!! I was "NORMAL". And my parents were still happy as clams with their lovely college-bound daughter who dated men. If they were satisfied, who was I to rock the boat? But dammit all to hell if love didn't have other plans for me...

Once you fall in love with someone of the same sex for the first time, I swear there's no going back. No do overs. You can't hit pause and erase the occurance . It's there and you'll feel it. the more you fight not to feel, the harder it hits. And the harder it hits, the easier you bruise, and with each "bruise", it becomes harder and harder to hide.

Here come the lies: "Mom, we're just friends. You know that. What's wrong with you?" "What gay book? It's not mine! I don't know what you're talking about." "Porn!!! With women in it? Eww. [Insert random guy name here] must have brought it over here with him and left it by mistake." "Helll no, I don't swing that way! So don't even play like that." "I was not talking to a girl! Are you deaf?. And why you all up in my phone conversation anyway?" Etc...

And then came the hundreds of lies on top of the first wave of lies. I sacrificed my word, my honesty, my respect, and my personal happiness to keep my life a secret from the people I cared about the most. All in the name of fear and self-loathing. How could I ever even think of hurting my parents like this? They've done everything to give me a great childhood. They taught me right from wrong. They loved me, and they taught me that God's love is mightier than anything and the closer I am to him, the more peace I will have in life.....

And that realization is what allowed me to take baby steps towards my genuine self. When I thought about the things I was scared to death of: my friends disliking me because i'm gay, my parents being disappointed in me because i'm gay, being stared at by random strangers on the street because i'm gay. I finally realized that none of this mattered because the one person who would love me unconditionally for who I am because He made me....He would always be there. I would never be alone, and I would never be left to fight my own battles because my life has already been carefully mapped out and i'm merely going along for the ride. So why not enjoy it being HAPPY.

I'm still on this journey towards being 100% comfortable in my own skin. I still need to allow myself the oportunity and the freedom of walking into my workplace as an openly proud lesbian. It's not an overnight process. And I often wonder if i'm truly obligated to tell everyone my personal business anyway. (thinking hard about that one) But I can say that those people I was once worried about losing,my friends and my parents, know me for me now and they are still here. They still love me and it's no different from how they loved me before. I live my life as a lesbian. (with the best girlfriend ever) I love my life as a lesbian. I laugh at life as a lesbian. I'm beginning to know what true inner peace feels like, and I love it.

Labels are for cans

I've touched on this topic before on another site and I thought I would revisit the issue here to see how my rainbow roomies feel about it. As of today, there are approximately 398,487,577,74 labels for the LGBT community. 398,587,577,70 of those seem to be reserved for lesbians in particular. Allow me to name a few:

Fem, stud, fem aggressive, dom, lipstick fem, soft stud, hard stud, butch, pillow princess, sub fem, stem, tomboi, high fem, etc...

To some, all of these labels are an unecessary confinement used to box people in. Thus they choose to define themselves as labeless. I can understand this view point to a certain extent because I certainly don't want anyone to tell me what I am and what i'm not. But I do believe in and see nothing wrong in defining myself. And correct me if i'm wrong, but if you go around calling yourself labeless...doesn't that then become a label???

One word can never fully describe who I am. But a label or two can provide a generalized sense of my physical make up and help give a basic understanding of some of my characteristics. I see myself, and am pretty sure that most other people would see me as a fem. I dress feminine, get my nails & hair done, wear make up, pinky finger extended when i hold a glass, blah blah blah. So i'm comfortable identifying as a feminine lesbian. Now this doesn't mean someone should mistake my feminine qualities as a weakness because i'll still knock someone in the throat if I have to, french manicured tips and all. LOL. But seriously though...

I don't think there's any harm in using labels to help paint a picture of your persona. As long as you make the labels instead of letting the labels make you...what's the harm in it?

Who are you calling a dyke?

D Y K E

I can not say it enough times. I DO NOT LIKE THIS WORD. I hate it. It's an ugly, harsh, degrading, offensive word that is the sound equivalent of getting punched in the throat. Did i mention that I hate it? So it is to my horror that so many lesbians havve adopted this term and use it on a daily basis to describe themselves.

"Yea i'm a dyke."

"We're all dykes here!"

"How many of us dykes are goin out tonight?"

Oh my god, no. The person who goes out on that limb and refers to ME as a dyke hopefully took a noose with them because that is a fighting word. I have heard it explained by a few women who like the term, claiming that it gives them a sense of empowerment when they use it. They say they have stripped it of its degrading meaning and given it a newfound definition of strength. I just can't seem to see the light. To me, calling me a dyke is like calling me a bitch, or a nigger and claiming it to be a term of endearment. There's nothing endearing or cute about it! It's just rude.

Thoughts?

You mean all blacks aren't homophobes??! Get out!!!

So this morning while sleepily sifting through news articles online, I came across this piece which speaks on the notion that the huge outrage from gays towards blacks, accusing them all of supporting the Prop 8 ban on gay marriage was a drastic exaggeration. Well no shit, Sherlock.

The article claims that the exit polls taken on Nov. 4 reflected that over 70% of black voters supported the ban. I knew that was a crock as soon as I heard it. Now i'm not claiming to be an expert on blacks or gays (forget the fact that I happen to be BLACK and GAY), but something about that percent seemed heavily skewed to me. The latest analysis of the exit polls taken in the CA counties with the largest black population show that the number is closer to 58%, and that age, socio-economic status and religious levels played a larger role in deciding prop 8 support than race.

58% is still rather high, and the black gay community has a LOT of reaching out to do, but it does show that not ALL blacks wish to toss all of the gays back into the closet for life. Yes, many blacks are heavy churchgoers and buy into the whole "if you're gay you're gonna burn in hell" rant, but many blacks also know the importance of tolerance, acceptance, love and the appreciation of diversity. We (speaking from my black perspective now, not my lesbian view) have faced more persecution and degradation in our history than any other culture and it's easy for others to use that as the argument for why the entire black race must be hipocrites for supporting prop 8. But it runs so much deeper than that. When we were in shackles, being beaten and sold for pennies, it was God who brought us through. It was our strong religious foundation that gave us the strength and the faith to see another day. That faith is deep rooted and no single proposition will completely shatter hundreds of years of belief, and when you have pastors across the nation using their pulpits as vessels of hatred and misinformation, it's hard to see through the BS and find your own truth. BUT, movement has begun. The black community has large numbers of LGBT family who are willing and ready to reach out and lend some understanding and knowledge on our issues. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than one ballot measure to open eyes and labeling an entire race as hipocrites wont get the job done either. We have to find a better way. Until we stop yelling, blaming and accusing, we will forever be on two sides of the same disenfranchised fence and we will never rise and get our just due.

First Post...where's the liquor???!!!

Okay so here's the deal, i'm a little lazy today and I don't necessarily want to post my intro in long paragraphs so i'm opting for bullet format. Read and remember what you want, skip and forget all else. Love :-)

* Who (am I): Chanel. Not # 5, not Cocoa. Just Chanel. Yes, it's on my birth certificate.

* What (am I): A lover, a daughter, a friend, a writer, a poet, a student, and slightly warped in a sexy kinda way.

* Where (am I): Guess i'll be around here for awhile. I can also be found at www.remarkablychanel.blogspot.com, or www.blurbsandverbs.blogspot.com OH! and at www.ibleedpoetry.blogspot.com. Yeah yeah i'm hogging up all the blogger space.

*When (do I post): I'll try to post here and on my other blogs daily. Sue me if I don't.

*Why (am I): writing this blog? Because there seems to be a lack of color around here and i'm painting the place in shades of the rainbow. Care to join me?