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Friday, June 29, 2012

Un-doing love

June 2012 is upon us and we all know that means there are approximately 84573585 pride celebrations happening throughout the country. I, like every other year, went to the Mother of all pride bashes in San Francisco this past weekend and I was highly entertained to say the very least. Saw enough bare penis and stranger titties to last a lifetime. NOTHING new there. lol. But it was festive!

There were about 1,000,000 people crowded into downtown SF this year. 1,000,000 85% naked, sweaty, chemically altered men and women all bunched together in a 2 mile radius.Sounds like a buffet of random hook-ups and sunrise regrets (or not). But I wasn't scoping out the singles at all. I paid more attention to the couples. The women hugged up, holding hands, making out, flirting, proudly displaying their love by wearing matching "I'm With Her...and she LOVES it" shirts. I was more interested in the couples who appeared to be deeply in love. Thanks to a certain someone who shall remain nameless until I decide to implicate her, I've been thinking a lot about love lately.

Wondering how love functions, what are its various definitions, parameters stipulations, boxes...limits? I've come to the conclusion that it's all a hot fucking mess. Real talk. It is. I don't mean to Debbie Down your love parades but JESUS. It's like....Love is Love. I get it. Shouldn't be too complicated. Just LOVE and BREATHE and BE. But when love involves other people (and it usually does)...shit automatically turns complicated.

Take for instance, the differences between being IN love and loving someone deeply. Me being me, I never really pondered much on this. It just is what it is. If you're my partner, and we are in a loving & intimate relationship, then being IN love, and the many acts that fall under the umbrella of being IN love are solely reserved for you. And I'll say things like "Babe, I'm so in love with you." blah blah blah.  If you are one of my close friends and/or family, then I profess deep love for you and try to act on that love in the ways I feel comfortable and secure with.. That seems nice, simple and the way it's supposed to be. 

Then I moved to Berkeley and met hella people who maintain poly relationships, and I began interacting closely with people who hold no barriers and boundaries on love no matter what labels are assigned....and now my mind is sufficiently blown. So...you're telling  me that I can fall in love with my partner AND my friends...and that's okay?? And no one will become jealous?And there wont be any problems between my girl and I? And it wont destroy my friendships?? And being IN love with someone who is not my partner is truly acceptable??  And in many cases, falling IN love with friends is actually the norm??

*sigh*

Where the hell have I been?

Cuz I'm so far outta THAT loop.

I find it all fascinating. If not a bit much for me to take in. I guess I'm more of a traditionalist than what I ever knew and I'm okay with feeling like that's not such a bad thing. Love is love, no matter which way you flip it. And for those who are open to falling in love with their friends, I support you and I want you to be happy!  But I feel the most secure with my traditional parameters of  reserving the act of 'falling in love' solely with someone I would like to build a level of intimacy and connection with that goes beyond the platonic realm of friendship. And I would hope that does not make me a horrible friend/person.

Any thoughts?? 

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Idk aboout all of that falling in love with friends. That sounds like a cesspool of messy drama to me.

ablackwomanlivinginpain said...

I totally agree with you and I don't think that it makes you a bad friend at all. I really enjoyed reading this piece.

Toni said...

Ahhhhh!!!!! I am so confused! U know I believe in falling "in love" with your children too, and THAT is perhaps the greatest love of all, besides falling "in love" with yourself. So I can't say that falling "in love" with your partner is not as fluid as many Berkeley-ites say it is. But I also can't get with the other stuff they be sayin. Shrug. Idk. Lol. I've never known so many options of love were out there

Indigo said...

Well i think love is only as complicated as the ppl doing the loving. If you are in a relationship and both of you are secure;y in love with one another, and committed to a lasting partnership with open communication, then being enamored with friends shouldnt present itself as a problem. BUT there should most definitely be notable differences between the love you have for your partner, and the love you nurture with your friends. I love my friends VERY VERY much. Couldn't live without them and they know that. But my girl has my heart, she IS my heart and my life with her comes before anything because she's the one i'm living with, planning with, making future with, etc.

Chanel said...

I'm confused too. LOL. Yes, i agree on the falling in love with your kids. That's a definite. It's the falling in love with everyone else that is the problem. lol. sigh. hmm. And Indigo, i agree with pretty much your whole comment.But is there a limit on how "enamored" should be okay?? Is it a free for all?

Chanel said...

Thank u for commenting and reading, Cherlnell!! :)

Indigo said...

No, no, not a free for all. I think enamored is just...enamored. As in you care immensely for your friends. You like spending time with them, and sometimes you just need to go and be with them. Why else would they be your friends if you're not somewhat enamored? I think the problems occur when people start blurring the lines btween friendship and more than friendship. An ex of mine had a bestfriend who she was extremely close with. They wld sleep in the same bed together, go on friend dates, and were just really close. I didnt care at all because i never ever got a bad feeling abt them. Her friend knew and respected me and my ex never did too much with her. As women, we know. We know when "enamored" crosses boundaries into something else that we need to be concerned about. And when those boundaries are crossed, THAT'S when the drama and complications start.

Kandice M said...

Why would I want to be with anyone who says they're in love with me AND their friends?! Nope. Then u need to go be with your friends. lol. That makes no sense to me. That's why ppl have relationships. To set you apart from others in your life. Why even get into a relationship if you're just gonna be fallin in love with mulitple ppl?? I'm cool on that and I wish my girl WOULD come to me wit some baby i'm kinda in love with my friend. Okay. Then go fuck ya friend, have your friend cook for you, have the babies for you, take care of home for you, commit to you, wash ya clothes, and all of the above.

Anonymous said...

sigh. Shouldnt have read this. Now i wanna curl up wit a bottle of vodka and a bag of weed. My girl just dumped me over this exact issue. sigh.

SwagSella said...

The whole falling in love with friends is so new age but also completely misunderstood, I think. It doesn't mean you shape your friendships into partnerships. Your partner is your partner and should be treated as such. Friends are friends, which for ME, are my family, and should be treated as such. I love my fam, chosen or not, with all my heart and wld do anything for them. But i dont wanna have sex with my chosen fam. I dnt involve myself in any inapropriate way with my chosen fam. My closest female friends know exactly where I draw the line because i do not play when it comes to ANYthing that could potentially threaten my girl. Home is my priority. On the flip, my girl understands that my friends are my family which means she trusts me with them because I prove to her that i am to be trusted with them. Danielle can call either of my two closest friends right now and get the utmost respect and treatment frm them. No secrets, no jealousy. And when you r in love with your girl and when you have REAL friends who respect you and your situation...then THATis how things should be.

Brandi said...

AMEN! Swag Sella is preachin truth. Ppl who dnt know how to balance friends and relationships should just stay single. Cuz home is always where priority should be. Too many ppl concerned with whats goin on OUTSIDE the home...and u dnt even have your home life in order. My wife and i are going on 9 yrs. Been thru some shit. But i know i need that woman so i plan on keeping my sanity and my relationship first and foremost. I dnt have time to be in love with more than one person. To me, that is for people who truly want their cake and eat it too. Unsatisfied with wht they have at home, so end up latching on to other women, so called friends. Im not about that life at all.

Anonymous said...

THIS is why im single. lol. I guess im not ready for a real relationship. Im connected to so many ppl. I am n love with my bestfriends. I need them for everything. They take care of me, i take care of them. I cant ever seem to find a girlfriend mature and ready enough to build a home life with. They all leave me, or i leave them. Maybe im doing something wrong. Maybe cuz im in love wit my friends! lol.

Terisa said...

Well what abt what Toni said? Being in love with your kids? I think thats a very valid feeling. I think it's a different IN LOVE than what u feel for a girlfriend. Its truly unconditional, u know? I dnt think anything compares to that.

Now ive never fell in love with my frends. That seems strange to me. Like. WHat does that look like? When i'm in love, i want to be a certain way with that person. I wanna be cupcaked with them, cuddled up, i wanna kiss on them, write loveletters to them, go on dates with them, have them hold me to sleep. I like being caressed by them and I need to make love to the person im in love with in every way, mentally and physically. I dont feel that way about my friends. So...i dnt think being super close with friends is being in love. Not for me.

Anonymous said...

Girrrrrl this is a mess. You are right!! a MESS. smh

I was with my gf for almost 7 yrs and we just recently broke up over something like ths. Her and her friend have this relationship that makes me so uncomfrtable and i tried to push that feeling away. Because i loved my girl. Still love her. But that friendship was way too much for me. Being close to your friend is one thing. But when that friendship looks and feels more like an intimate relationship, girl...no.

Chanel said...

All of these comments are so so good, and interesting. Hmm. I'm thinkng abt all of it. So much to take in.

Unknown said...

OK so I started typing this thing about how awesome it is to be poly and maybe responding to a couple of things people have said, but then I realized they'd never see it so I'm just going to respond to you. :)

Chanel, I don't think you're a bad friend because monogamy works out best for you. If that were the case, most of the world would be a bad friend. The idea of polyamory is a HUGE paradigm shift, and it really isn't for everyone. Stay true to yourself. :)