Oh, 2012. You loved me well.

I post these yearly wrap ups around early- mid December every year. This one is coming a bit later than usual and almost didn't come at all. Alas, I'm writing it and flipping through memories of 2012 as I sit at work and struggle with clock watching because I'm ready to GO. (Mind you, I just got here an hr and a half ago. *shrug*)

Anyway, in these wrap up posts, I assign the year a grade. I'll be honest. 2011 and most definitely 2010 didn't fare so well in the grade book. I think '10 may have pulled a solid D -. It hurts to even think about how awful that year was. 2011 stepped up a bit and may have earned a C+ if my memory properly recollects. (It generally doesn't) Needless to say, I was a bit hesitant of 2012.

Hope & hesitance seem to be besties in my life these days so I approached the year with anxious caution. There's a couple of "situations" that have bottomed out and/or exploded on me and I have found myself using the last few years trying to piece things back together in order to form some sort of logical happy picture. It took some angry sleepless nights and migraines to realize shit doesn't work like that. I cannot control what is or what is not destined to happen. These last few years have definitely taught me the lesson that Chanel controls little to nothing besides what color panties I wear every day. (TMI?)  I think this lesson along with doing a lot of introspective work has helped me live in the moment a little bit more and THAT has probably been the game changer for me this year. Things are not perfect and I'm not striving for that anymore. I want progress, not perfection.

2012 has loved me well. I feel more soothed, more stable, and more protected than I have in a long time and my hope is that it can only get better. As long as I keep growing (emotionally & spiritually), keep making good decisions and allow things to happen as they will....I believe 2013 is meant for greatness. Oh, and also I graduate with my MASTER'S on May 18, 2013 so you already know I'm about to be turned all the way up! *dancing*

And look at that. I stopped watching the clock and now it's time for me to get off. Woo hooo. Allow me to take the time to pass out a grade of a B+/A-  to 2012. I'm grateful for all of the blessings and laughter I've had over the last twelve months and I look forward to so much more. Love and light to everyone for a beautifully blessed Two Thousand and Thirteen. 

                                                                       Make it good


   

East Bay Alternative Zine Fest!

JOIN ME & many other creative types in celebration of our amazing homegrown art. I will share a table with my brother in poetry, Jair Trice, and we will be selling our precious goods. I'll have my brand new chapbook available, and Jair will have his book, Touch, for sale. If you are in the area and you love good poetry, come through! 

Sat, Dec. 8th, 2012  10am - 5pm. 

Was that sex??

Don't ask why [because I really don't know] but for some reason I have been a part of a few conversations with friends regarding the number of sex partners we have had. I noticed an interesting pattern rising out of the gutters of these talks. The dialogue goes a little something like this:

"I think I've done hella good. Most people my age have twice the amount of partners I have."
"I think you forgot about a few. How many did you say?"
"Hold up, let me count again. And it's only people I've had sex sex with, right?"
"Sex sex?? The hell is that??"
"I mean, like not just fingering. Real sex."

O________o *crickets*

So, I need to know what constitutes SEX sex between women?  It seems like some people believe that for women, you have to get/give head or give/take the strap for sex to be considered capital letter italicized SEX. My train of thought is if any part of you makes its way inside of me....its SEX sex. Maybe this isn't as popular of a belief because that would make people bigger trollops than what they wanna be?? Hmm.

But then I think about it in terms of hetero sex, and I confuse myself. Because if I were with a dude, and he gave me head, or fingered me, and we stopped there...I don't think I would say/feel that we had sex. I would say/feel that he gave me head and fingered me. Which, I guess, between men & women, is not SEX sex.
But for women, it is. At least for me.

*shrug*

Now I need a drink.

Un-doing love

June 2012 is upon us and we all know that means there are approximately 84573585 pride celebrations happening throughout the country. I, like every other year, went to the Mother of all pride bashes in San Francisco this past weekend and I was highly entertained to say the very least. Saw enough bare penis and stranger titties to last a lifetime. NOTHING new there. lol. But it was festive!

There were about 1,000,000 people crowded into downtown SF this year. 1,000,000 85% naked, sweaty, chemically altered men and women all bunched together in a 2 mile radius.Sounds like a buffet of random hook-ups and sunrise regrets (or not). But I wasn't scoping out the singles at all. I paid more attention to the couples. The women hugged up, holding hands, making out, flirting, proudly displaying their love by wearing matching "I'm With Her...and she LOVES it" shirts. I was more interested in the couples who appeared to be deeply in love. Thanks to a certain someone who shall remain nameless until I decide to implicate her, I've been thinking a lot about love lately.

Wondering how love functions, what are its various definitions, parameters stipulations, boxes...limits? I've come to the conclusion that it's all a hot fucking mess. Real talk. It is. I don't mean to Debbie Down your love parades but JESUS. It's like....Love is Love. I get it. Shouldn't be too complicated. Just LOVE and BREATHE and BE. But when love involves other people (and it usually does)...shit automatically turns complicated.

Take for instance, the differences between being IN love and loving someone deeply. Me being me, I never really pondered much on this. It just is what it is. If you're my partner, and we are in a loving & intimate relationship, then being IN love, and the many acts that fall under the umbrella of being IN love are solely reserved for you. And I'll say things like "Babe, I'm so in love with you." blah blah blah.  If you are one of my close friends and/or family, then I profess deep love for you and try to act on that love in the ways I feel comfortable and secure with.. That seems nice, simple and the way it's supposed to be. 

Then I moved to Berkeley and met hella people who maintain poly relationships, and I began interacting closely with people who hold no barriers and boundaries on love no matter what labels are assigned....and now my mind is sufficiently blown. So...you're telling  me that I can fall in love with my partner AND my friends...and that's okay?? And no one will become jealous?And there wont be any problems between my girl and I? And it wont destroy my friendships?? And being IN love with someone who is not my partner is truly acceptable??  And in many cases, falling IN love with friends is actually the norm??

*sigh*

Where the hell have I been?

Cuz I'm so far outta THAT loop.

I find it all fascinating. If not a bit much for me to take in. I guess I'm more of a traditionalist than what I ever knew and I'm okay with feeling like that's not such a bad thing. Love is love, no matter which way you flip it. And for those who are open to falling in love with their friends, I support you and I want you to be happy!  But I feel the most secure with my traditional parameters of  reserving the act of 'falling in love' solely with someone I would like to build a level of intimacy and connection with that goes beyond the platonic realm of friendship. And I would hope that does not make me a horrible friend/person.

Any thoughts??